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Jillian The Bachelorette ep 4

Updated on June 10, 2009
 

It has finally happened; the recession has hit The Bachelorette! I'm convinced they moved the show to Vancouver because it's cheaper to film there, and everyone in Hollywood does it. Why else would they trade sunny LA with a scantily-clad cast for sweaters and multiple dates involving ice skates? Unless, of course, the move was brought on by being served an eviction notice by the owner of the mansion-I heard a rumor it's on the market. Either way, they still haven't cut helicopter rides from the budget. There's got to be a quota written into the contract each season, kind of like cops and speeding tickets.

The battle lines have been drawn: nice guys (Jake, Kiptyn, Reid) vs. the wannabe bad boys (Dave, Wes). It would have been much more dramatic to pick one from each team to go on the two-on-one date. Or the best would have been Juan vs. Dave. I'm glad they both went home, but that would have made for (say it with me, Chris Harrison) the most dramatic two-on-one date in Bachelorette history!

The guys really shouldn't read into the fact that she signed the date card "Jill." She had nothing to do with it. I'm sure some production assistant is really excited that his/her diction was discussed on national TV.

Did anyone else see Jillian pick Kiptyn's nose at the beginning of their date in the park? Awkward! It was pretty frickin' adorable that he didn't have to put forth any effort to totally kick her butt in the kayak race, but that he didn't show off about it. However, what kind of jackholes feed pigeons and seagulls? I was hoping they'd get pooped on for that. On a positive note, that was probably the best date that this show has ever done. It was normal, instead of creating fantasy situations that are so over-the-top romantic you would fall in love with your own cousin. Jillian and Kiptyn were making out more than Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano in the boiler room! (If you get that reference, we should be best friends.) She did a little celebration dance after he left-always a good sign.

This is definitely a bizarre group of guys this season. Why did they start dancing and singing James Brown when they announced who was going on the group date? Obviously, we're all on the outside of an inside joke.

Does ABC have the television rights to the 2010 Winter Olympics? They sure did a lot of in-program advertising.

Mark and Mike were random choices for the two-on-one. They built it up to seem like Mike had it in the bag, but it wouldn't have been dramatic enough if he had gotten the rose. Mark kind of looked like he was high before the date, and he doesn't wear clothes well. However, the speech Mike made at dinner started out nice and appropriate, then it got a little awkward when he started talking about how attracted he is to her. He came on really strong, in general. I get that it's good that Mike is trying to find the one person to be with forever or whatever, but he seems like he would settle down with the first girl to say yes.

Mike talked more about the future and Mark talked about his past. While Mike was getting caught up in the experience, Mark was being more realistic about it. I think those are two reasons she probably chose Mark. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit. At least Mike got to go home in a gondola instead of a city bus! They barely showed Mark, which I mentioned last week could mean that he's an undercover frontrunner. Michael thinks the wrong guy went home. Just wait, brotha, you're next!

You know what's a great idea for a date? Get a bunch of Americans together and make them curl. That's a recipe for comedy. I did not understand what the crap was going on during that competition, and I wonder how much footage they have of people busting their hineys. Reid looked so cute in his glasses. I just wanna squeeze his face. Michael's incessant babbling about how beautiful she looked in her spandex was not having a positive effect on my gag reflex. That kid is such a freak. Michael is considered "the athlete" back home? Yikes, what level wizards is he hanging out with? Jesse was a badass at curling; he looked a lot manlier in this episode. Is he crazy tall or what? He was towering over her. Now I love Jesse, but why was he wearing my grandfather's golfing hat?

Nonsensical quote of the week: "Loserish blue blog of blobberness." Thanks, Michael.

Jake showed he's not as flawless as everyone thinks; he wigged out about being called "too perfect." Wow, how annoying his life must be that people say that to him all the time! He took a huge step toward imperfection by asking Dave-the-motard for his opinion on the topic. That was just sad.

Dave thinks he's a bad boy, but really he's just an idiot. He was talking about her booty-cakes like they were at a frat party during Greek Week. How wasted was he, seriously? He was so embarrassed her rejecting his advances; it reminded me of an afterschool special. I wanted to yell, "Get outta there Jillian before he slips something in your drink!" I'm glad she finally saw what a slime ball he is. He even snuck in an inappropriate "shirt" grab. I can spot a sad attempt at a cheap feel a million miles away. He showed just how truly delusional he is by thinking she was testing him. Hello, she's just not that into you! Dave's dumb behavior made Jake's "too perfect" persona seem way amazing. At least she's getting better about weeding out the idiots.

Tanner loves to talk smack about Wes. Of course Wes would be the one with the lady back home, allegedly. This was revealed in the same episode that he claimed he's never cheated-coincidence? He laid the BS on thick with his talking about having kids and stuff. What a smooth criminal.

I kind of side with Tanner about not revealing the name of the cheating turd sniffer. If it's true, then Wes should be the one to ‘fess up. It was fun to watch the guys get all worked up over it, while Wes remained calm in the back and periodically declared his innocence. Even gay Michael was offended at the thought someone had a girlfriend (I'm sure he thought it was icky!). I'm glad she got mad and not sad. Don't cry, just punch! That's my motto.

I wonder how long they stood there waiting for someone to come forward before Jake gave his come-to-Jesus speech. How could anyone not have known it was Tanner that snitched? He freaked out every time Juan looked in his general hemisphere. If that's not a sign of a guilty conscience, what is? Dave, of course, took it as another violation of man-code that someone warned Jillian that there's a snake in the grass. Tanner could have manned-up and let everyone know that he was the one to tell her without revealing the name of the culprit. He would have gotten hazed that night, but at least he would have been a man about it. I think Jillian kept him around so she could grill him again later.

It was interesting that she sent Dave and Juan in the same week. Juan was gracious about it, but he is such a pansy. Dave couldn't let it go. She didn't tell him why she eliminated him because she didn't have the time-the list is far too long.

Right now, I like Jake, Kiptyn, Reid, Jesse, Ed and Robby. The only one I have no feelings about is Mark.

Front Runners

 

Wes (until next week?)

Jake

Kiptyn

Go Home, Fools!

Michael

Wes (but I know he won't)

Tanner the foot lover

Roses This Week

Kiptyn

Jesse

Mark

Reid

Robby

Ed

Michael

Wes

Jake

Tanner

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