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Jupiter Ascending Should be Stupiter Ascending

Updated on February 21, 2015
Ethan Bridges profile image

I am currently an English Major in hopes to become one of the great writers of all time.

Jupiter Ascending

First of all...

I've honestly got to say that I love any form of medium in the genre of fantasy and science fiction. I love Game of Thrones (both show and book series), The Lord of the Rings (basically anything Tolkien), Star Wars (the original, not these newer Episodes 1-3; 7-9 or whatever), and Star Trek (NG... that's about it). Therefore, I'm really picky about what I like to call "good film" when it comes to these genres. I wouldn't say that I'm an expert on the subject, but I did major in Film Production a few years back. I know my film, and I know good film when I see it. So when I went to the theater and saw the trailer for Jupiter Ascending, I was like, "Whoa, this looks like it's going to be a really good movie." The trailer was packed with some pretty epic scenes, and the Wachowskis. Come on! The Matrix was really good for Sci fy. So I really wanted to go and see this film. In a sense, I wish I hadn't.

The Basic Storyline *Spoilers*

So Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is a working class girl who does the same monotonous job of cleaning other people's houses and does it every day without much recognition. He father dies early in the film, but he was a man who looked into the stars. Her mother moved to America for a better life... as many do. Well, Earth was inherited to some alien/human force, and the three royal antagonists need Earth for a Harvesting, which is basically killing all living species for the alien/humans to continue to live, prosper, and look radiantly beautiful. After she tries to donate her eggs at the local sperm and egg bank, the alien creatures fail to capture her, and in their failing, she meets Caine (Channing Tatum). He takes her to Stinger (Sean Bean), who tells her that she is royalty. The alien creatures soon capture Jupiter, and the royal family explains that she is their mother reincarnated. The sister alien/human wants to help... sort of, one brother wants to marry her to kill her in the end to get planet Earth, and the other, more brutal brother (Eddie Redmayne) just wants to kill her. Through confusion and two hours, we get to the end where Jupiter lives and Earth is hers and no one can Harvest the people who live on the planet. And the random love story ends by Jupiter and Caine going out and having some "Space" fun.

A Cast of Characters

This is the strangest cast of characters I've seen in a while. I mean Martin Freeman in the Hobbit? Really? Bilbo wasn't as sarcastic as that... he was basically a wimp that became a hero accidentally. But, I digress. Mila Kunis (Jupiter Jones) is a wonderful actress when it comes to something at which she is good. I give her a lot of praise when it comes to That 70s Show, and she did a wonderful performance in Black Swan. But when it comes down to it all in all, she was not meant for the role of Jupiter. But to put Kunis alongside Channing Tatum (Caine) was totally bizarre to me. Channing Tatum is just a money making name for women (not going to lie, but he is). He spent 15 minutes shirtless so that the girlfriends in the audience wouldn't get bored, while their nerdy, geeky boyfriends marveled at the sci fy thriller scenes. Personally, Tatum cannot act. He's a sex god much like that of Clark Gable, but at least with Gable, he could passively act without much hesitation. Putting those two together was like putting tomatoes in a fruit salad. It doesn't mix well. Honestly, the only person I see Tatum standing beside is Jonah Hill, but that is because they play the perfect short, stout, smart dude and his good-looking, buff, not-the-brightest-start-in-the-sky sidekick. The Tatum character is wholly based on something short of a love story. He's the love interest in this film, nothing more. Then we have the ever popular Sean Bean (Stinger): Scarlett, the Sequel to Gone With the Wind, The Fellowship of the Ring, Game of Thrones, National Treasure. We all know he dies at some point in his films, but ***Spoilers*** he doesn't die in this one. (That was really the entire point of me going to see the movie.) Sean Bean does an excellent job of acting, as always. Eddie Redmayne (Balem Abrassax), oh words cannot describe how awesome his characterization was. I've seen both he and Bean in Black Death and both were brilliant. Les Mis... not so much for Redmanye, but that's because I am also a musical lover and hate being disappointed. I have only seen Redmanye as the "good" protagonist, but in Jupiter Ascending, he is the antagonist. Later, I'll get into the good and bad points of his character. Then we have Douglas Booth (Titus Abrassax) who is undoubtedly the next in line to get rid of the Jupiter character. He tries to marry her, kill her, and take away the planet that she owns: Earth! Redmanye's character just wants to annihilate her. The End. Booth, also known for the 2014 take on the bible story of Noah and his ark in Noah, does an excellent job of being a royal jackass. Now we can't just have a story where we have two bad siblings and be done with it. Much like the Wachowskis did for the Matrix to have three antagonist, they do the same with Jupiter Ascending. Tuppence Middleton (Kalique Abrassax) does an okay job of playing the nice but I still don't want you alive mother kind of character. She's so sweet, she could sweeten the punchbowl with her head. And who in all of England names their daughter tuppence?! That's like "Hi, my name is Quid" or "Hi, my name is One Dollar Bill." Absolutely strange, in my opinion. So, these are the characters that we must deal with over the course of TWO HOURS AND SEVEN MINUTES!

Who's In Favor?

Did you enjoy Jupiter Ascending?

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So What's the Big Deal? ***Spoilers... Kinda***

I go into the movie theater in Athens, hoping that I am going to see this awesome movie because I'm that nerdy kind of guy. I left slightly disappointed and my wallet $15 lighter. So what was it that made this movie so horrible for me?

Not going to lie, take out Channing Tatum character, replace the Mila Kunis character with a more far superior actress, and let's clean up the storyline... it was confusing. So we have this girl who basically hates her life by being a cleaning woman. Somehow she looks like this woman from Space who owned a lot of planets that were used to Harvest, and the woman's children discover her. One is angry because Earth was supposed to be his planet in his inheritance. One brother wants to take all planets in his name to Harvest them to obtain his longevity in life. And finally one sister just wants to keep their Abrassax name to live on. Movie totally made sense there.

Until we get to the point where one brother is capturing Jupiter, but somehow the sister get a hold of Jupiter but sends her to her brother anyway; and when the other brother finds out about this he becomes angry and demands that Jupiter be brought to him. Again, makes some sense, but not really. But I'm still trying to figure out how she is their mother! She doesn't have any blood related to the Abrassax family. Jupiter just favors the mother in all aspects. So what's all the hullabaloo?

But we take too long with the sister. We take too long with the brother who is good/evil and only wants to marry Jupiter to kill her to obtain the planet Earth. And the entire storyline is based off of Jupiter confronting with Balem, which doesn't happen until like 20 minutes until the end of the film. So if we chopped the story up correctly: Jupiter hates her life, is discovered by the Abrassax siblings, one wants her dead because she could rise to power and take Earth away from him, one brother wants just the planet to NOT go to his brother, and the sister just wants to keep peace. Jupiter doesn't need a love interest, take out Tatum. Jupiter meets Kalique; she explains why she's been abducted from planet Earth. Titus captures her from Kalique unbeknownst by his sister and attempts to marry her for the planet Earth, but in doing so, he must have her dead! Balem foils the plan by capturing Jupiter from Titus and makes his empy promises to her about saving the Earth and not Harvesting it for his own youthfulness. She declines, he gets angry, BIG SPACE BATTLE! She wins and has nothing to do with the Abrassax family ever again. The end.

It is a much better story than what the Wachowskis produced and easier to understand. There were too many plots, sub-plots, sub-sub-plots to follow the entire time. That was what made it difficult to understand. The story just needed tightening, and it needed to lose some characters. Would have been a much better tale then.

Jupiter Ascending Movie Trailer

My Rating for Jupiter Ascending

2 stars for Jupiter Ascending 2015


I cannot get back the two hours and seven minutes back in my life for the lousy movie that I was highly expected to go see. So I guess that the Wachowskis haven't made a good film since The Matrix. The two sequels to The Matrix left everyone hanging for more from the film makers. I'm not saying that Jupiter Ascending is a bad film; however, in my opinion, it could have been a lot better than what I was expecting. Once again, movie trailers fooled me into thinking that certain films are going to be awesome, but it turns out they are flops. It's the editors of the film trailers that need awards not the filmmakers. If I think that a movie is really good based on the trailer and the movie flopped, I give props to the editors of the trailer. They make the movie so intense looking and awesome that I have to see it. I digress.

Was hoping to see a good movie, but then again I was disappointed at the fact that it sucked!


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