- Entertainment and Media
Just Another Twinkie Day
I got up this morning feeling sort of melancholy and blue. Right off the bat a huge big mouthed Robin sat on a branch outside my window and warbled his song to the top of his lungs. It was as intrusive as a rap song. I went to the window and threw a shoe at the dammed bird. Winding down the hall I stepped on the cats tail. You would have thought I had killed the fur covered varmint. He bit and scratched my leg and proceeded to yell and screech at me even as I continued down the hall. I turned and held up my fist and screamed back. Turning in to the kitchen I caught my big toe on the baseboard. What I call that piece of wood if it had not been aged in the mill it would have surely turned to ash in embarrassment. Pressing the button on the coffee maker also frustrated me because I had not set up the machine the night before. Sure it was there to save me time, right. I had to rinse out the pot and then measured out the coffee. Well I showed it. I just pored it in over a new filter. I felt like a renegade. The batteries were weak on the remote and I had to get closer and closer to the television. It came on right before I was going to throw it at the screen. Opening the drapes I discovered it had rained a little last night. The shoe I had thrown at the Robin was my left house slipper. Now I was going to have to walk out onto the grass to retrieve the paper with one shoe only. The @#%@#&* sun was blindingly bright as I opened the door. My next door neighbor Larry was just ending his power walk and was waddling like a god forsaken duck on the sidewalk in front of my house. He yelled out how beautiful it was out this morning. Pumping my fist at him and making a comment on his mother and what I thought she did for a living I continued on. No one has a right to be that upbeat in the morning. The door had of course already shut and locked as I came out. One of my neighbors a block away heard my tirade of unprintable words and later told another that she heard this voice yelling out and thought that there might have been a new family in the neighborhood. She could have sworn that she heard something in the air that she could only describe as the prayers she had heard on the Travel Channel booming from the towers in the Middle East. I guarantee you they were not prayers. I turned up every stone outside the porch until I found the one with the hide-a-key indentation in it. No key. Only then did I remember I had used it just last week. It was raining out and I vowed I would replace it later that day. I remembered I had opened the window in my bedroom so I proceeded on with one shoe on. Sure enough the window was opened. The problem was that it was higher up than I remembered. I would just get a ladder,but it was locked in the shed. I am not as spry as I once was and Mrs. Wilson who lives next door told me even though she had never seen me go to church, she could guess my religion. She took pictures on her cell phone to show her friends at the card game later that day. Making my way to the kitchen passed the #%#$% cat who was still grousing the smell of coffee was so overpoweringly good I could almost taste the drink. Guess who forgot to put the pot under the machine. It was then I heard the words that are still etched in my mind. The words so powerful that I will forever remember where I was, the time of day, the very weather outside when I heard them. NO MORE TWINKIES the factory was closing down. I called in sick and went back to bed sobbing uncontrollably. This time in the hall I stepped on the cats tail on purpose.