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Just Started Masturbatin', A Bit of Scottish Humour

Updated on January 8, 2016

Just Started Masturbating

Masturbatory Humor

I've revised this article, adding content despite the fact that my original intent was to present an opportunity for everyone to enjoy a very funny video about a 14-year-old Scottish boy and his mother. Everyone who has seen it has been cracked up by the "Just Started Masturbatin'" video, including Jimmythejock who denies fervently that he was the young star of the story. In order to comply with HubPages suggestions I have provided additional content beyond the humorous video. Here goes:

Masturbation has long been a source of snickering and humor for teenagers and adults as well and a favorite topic of stand-up comedians. One that I recall goes like this: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But if in the bush a maiden should stand, a push in the bush is worth two in the hand."

Slang terms for masturbate include "flog the mule," "wank," "pound one's pud," "whack off," "jack off," "choke the chicken," "climb the tree," "disobey the Pope," "jump the shark," "let your fingers do the walkin," "menage a moi" and others too numerous to mention. In case anybody wonders, there is no scientific basis for the old wives tale that masturbation will cause hair to grow in the palm of one's hand, blindness or other physical manifestations or disabilities.

As business has become global, manufacturers have found it necessary to check the meaning in several languages of names proposed for new products. Recently GM found to its dismay that LaCrosse to teenagers in French-speaking Quebec is slang for masturbate. And Mitsubishi discovered that the name of its new car, "Pajero," is the equivalent in many Spanish speaking countries of masturbator in the U.S. or wanker in the UK. And Ford was disappointed with the reception in Brazil of it's new Pinto which it found too late means "small penis."

Not all masturbation humor involves men and boys. Jokes are legion about objects used by women from bananas, to dildos to vibrators for self-gratification.

When I was a Scout, many years ago, the Boy Scout Handbook contained a page or two on the subject with instructions on what to do in event of a nocturnal erection. As I recall, a cold shower was recommended. I haven't seen a recent edition of the Scout's Handbook, but from what I read, the organization hasn't come very far since I was a Scout. Gays are not welcome as Boy Scouts, but masturbation may now be okay. The Kinsey Report's research showing that masturbation was a nearly universal phenomenon among boys and men, and nearly as common among American women, has apparently escaped the attention of the Scouting hierarchy. This research apparently didn't impress many in the evangelical and Roman Catholic clergy either who continue to hold that masturbation is sinful. As far as I know, to this day young Catholic boys are quizzed in confessionals around the world about their masturbatory transgressions. I will bow to corrections from anyone with first "hand" experience on this matter.

Woody Allen famously said, “Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.”

I hope you enjoy the video about the fine young Scottish lad who bears an uncanny resemblance to our esteemed fellow Hubber JimmytheJock at age 14 according to anonymous reports from his hometown.

Momon Guide to Self Control

1) Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

2) If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

Mark Peterson 3) When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

4) When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

5) If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

6) Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

7) Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

8) Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever -- not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. keep it out of your mind!

9) Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.


"Touchy Issue--what should you do when your kid masturbates?" WebMD

"...Masturbation is a very natural and healthy part of childhood....It's the beginning of a lifelong learning experience about their bodies and, later, about sex and sexuality...What should you do if you find your child touching him or herself?  Keep in mind that reactions mattter. When adults become angry or tell their children that masturbating is wrong, it creates a lot of tension for them...You want to teach children that it's OK to explore their bodies...Eventually my friend taught her son to masturbate alone in his room, which allowed him the privacy he needed..."

"Follow these tips from child and family psychologist David Swanson, PsyD, about how to approach the conversation:

"COOL DOWN--Charged parental reactions to masturbation often create shame. Leave the room if you're upset, then come back to address the behavior calmly.

"PRIVATE BUSINESS--Young kids need to learn when and where it's acceptable to masturbate. Tell them, 'You're learning about your body right now. It's nothing to be ashamed of; it's natural. But I insist you do it in private.' By age 6, kids should be clear on this point.

"PICTURE PERFECT--Re-direct your preteen away from adult sexual images which can negatively affect how he or she views the opposite sex. Say 'I understand you are curious and want to learn, so we can buy a book that talks about sex.' Then buy one that is age-appropriate and after your child reads it, answer any questions that come up."

[Exerpted from WebMD January/February 2011]

Masturbating Oklahoma Judge

Prevalence of Masturbation--Kinsey Institute Data

Masturbation In a study of undergraduate college students, 98% of men and 44% of women reported having ever masturbated (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).Among undergraduate students, men reported masturbating an average of 12 times per month, while women reported an average of 4.7 times per month (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002). In a study of African-American women aged 15 to 64, 62% reported that they had masturbated at some point during their lives (Robinson, Bockting, & Harrell, 2002). About 60% of men and 40% of women reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994). Nearly 85% of men and 45% of women who were living with a sexual partner reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994). 35% of American men aged 18-39 do not masturbate while 37% masturbate sometimes, and 28% one or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994). 53% of men and 25% of women masturbated for the first time by ages 11 to 13 (Janus & Janus, 1993). 5% of men and 11% of women have never masturbated (Janus & Janus, 1993).

Gays Not Welcome in the Boy Scouts

From Wikipedia--

Boy Scouts of America et al. v. Dale, 530 U.S. 640 (2000), was a case of the Supreme Court of the United States overturning the New Jersey Supreme Court's application of the New Jersey public accommodations law, which had forced the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) to readmit assistant Scoutmaster James Dale. When he was a student at Rutgers University, Dale became copresident of the Lesbian/Gay student alliance. Then, in July 1990, he attended a seminar on the health needs of lesbian and gay teenagers. During the seminar, he was interviewed, and the work was subsequently published.[1] He was expelled from Scouting after BSA officials read the interview in a local newspaper and Dale was quoted as stating he was gay.[2] The Supreme Court held that the lower court's decision unconstitutionally violated the rights of BSA, specifically the freedom of association, which allows a private organization to exclude whomever it wishes.[3] The case was argued on April 26, 2000[1] and was decided on June 28, 2000[3].

Dale was represented by Evan Wolfson, an attorney and noted gay/lesbian rights advocate. In addition to representing Dale, Wolfson has also worked on a number of high profile cases seeking legal recognition of same-sex marriages.[4] Also representing Dale on a pro bono basis was the New York-based law firm Cleary Gottlieb Steen & Hamilton[1].

The Boy Scouts of America were represented by attorney George Davidson, a partner in the New York-based law firm Hughes Hubbard & Reed. Davidson is a former President of the Legal Aid Society and current chair of the Federal Defenders of New York.

Diversity of beliefs within
the Roman Catholic Church


  • Fr. John F. Harvey: "So often the habit of masturbation becomes compulsive, that is to say, the person is not able to control masturbatory activity in spite of great efforts to do so. Usually such a person is lacking in insight and needs therapy in conjunction with spiritual direction." 1
  • E. Michael Jones: "The struggle with the temptation to masturbate is the smithy in which adolescents form their character. They either learn how to control themselves, with all that that entails, or they do not, with all of the self-loathing projected as hatred of authority which that entails. Masturbation is, in a sense, the root sexual evil first of all from a developmental point of view -- it is the child's introduction to sexual sinning -- but also because all other sexual sinning is at its root masturbatory." 18
  • Pope Paul VI: "... masturbation is an intrinsically and seriously disordered act...the deliberate use of the sexual faculty outside normal conjugal relations essentially contradicts the finality of the faculty. For it lacks the sexual relationship called for by the moral order, namely the relationship which realizes 'the full sense of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love.' All deliberate exercise of sexuality must be reserved to this regular relationship." 19

The history of Catholic teachings about masturbation:

A study by Giovanni Cappelli of the church's stance on masturbation during the first millennium CE shows that:

  • The Bible is silent on the topic.
  • None of the Apostolic Fathers wrote about masturbation.
  • The first mention of masturbation within the Catholic Church is found in sixth century CE penitentials. 1 These were books or a set of church rules concerning the sacrament of penance. They were first developed by priests as unofficial handbooks that gave standard penances for the most commonly confessed sins.

In commenting on Cappelli's findings, Fr. John Harvey suggests that silence by the Apostolic Fathers does not necessarily mean either a tacit approval or indifference towards masturbation. Their silence may have been caused by their prime concern being interpersonal sexual sins. 1

However, the Church has placed much greater emphasis on masturbation later in its history. For example, Thomas Aquinas (circa 1225 to 1274 CE) is the most famous classical proponent of natural theology, founded the Thomistic school of philosophy and is considered by many Catholics to be the Church's greatest theologian. 16 He taught that God designed the penis to insert sperm into a woman's vagina. Any other use of the penis, except perhaps for urination, or destination for the sperm is unnatural and a "grave offense to the sagacious plan " of God. This concept makes a number of sexual behaviors immoral: bestiality, anal sex, oral sex, masturbation, and any other activity that prevents conception.

Alan Soble of The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy writes:

"Aquinas's line of thought yields an anatomical criterion of natural and perverted sex that refers only to bodily organs and what they might accomplish physiologically and to where they are, or are not, put in relation to each other." 16

The church has historically viewed sexuality as having been designed only for procreation. In recent decades, the unitive role that sexual behavior plays in strengthening the marriage bond has been acknowledged. Still, sexual acts that cannot lead to conception continue to be condemned as being against natural law. Also, all sexual acts are a serious sin unless performed by one man and one woman who are married to each other, in which there is a possibility of conception. Masturbation meets these criteria.

Christine O'Donnell, GOP Senate Nominee from Delaware Campaigns Against Masturbation

The Real Reason You're Circumcised


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    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      4 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Mark Twain on Masturbation

      Mark Twain on Masturbation Brain Pickings

      "If you must gamble away your life sexually, don’t play a Lone Hand too much."

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      4 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      2-22-14DailyKos "Mormons Declare War on Masturbation"

      Mormons Declare War on Masturbation

      The pamphlet begins by assuring chronic masturbators that there is hope: Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      4 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Barbara Walters "Selfie"

      Barbara Walters' vibrator is named 'Selfie' [VIDEO] -

      Barbara Walters, 84, has a vibrator, and its name is "Selfie."

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      6 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan "38 Years of Self Love"

      38 years of self-love -

      We talk to the author of 1974's groundbreaking "Sex for One" about our changing attitudes towards self-pleasure

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      6 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      I get a fair amount of traffic on this Hub, but Google and/or the Hubpages Censors won't allow ads on it. I orginally posted only the video about the young Scottish lad which was quite popular. Then the Hubpages censors said it didn't meet their standards. Then I added a bit of a treatise on the topic, and then ads were removed from even though others including yourself have gotten away with more lurid content. Oh well!

      Thanks for your comment. I've enjoyed your hubs as well.

    • epigramman profile image


      6 years ago

      ....well Ralph I have to hand it to you - normally I am too busy handing it to myself - lol - but this is one bloody funny hub and subject too - love that first video - I think their accents make it sound even funnier - so nice to meet you my friend and I will see you on my FACEBOOK page with a posting of this beauty and a direct link back here..... sending you warm wishes from lake erie time ontario canada 6:44pm

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      8 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Ladies, I Want You to Raise Your Pinky For Me if You've Ever Masturbated!

      Rev. Professor Sherman Whipple - Cutting Edge Christian University EducatorRev. Professor Sherman Whipple is a highly sought after Baptist Fellowship educator who will be teaching Marriage and Family 101 for Women this Fall Semester at Landover Baptist University.

      “I want every young lady sitting before me today to raise your pinky if you’ve ever masturbated!” That’s how I intend to start my 'Marriage and Family Class for Women' this Fall semester at Landover Baptist University. I’ll tell my female students it doesn’t matter which pinky you raise up for me and Jesus. It don't matter to the Lord if it is your Godly right pinky or even your left pinky. Two pinkies are even more precious!

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      8 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Thanks for your comments. For some unknown reason the adsense ads have been removed from this Hub. Apparently they disapprove of masturbation.

    • patrick fealey profile image

      patrick fealey 

      8 years ago from California

      polish the knob.

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      9 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Tnx for the comments!

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Hey Ralph Deeds I had to pop over here after seeing your comment on Teresa's tampon hub - this video is so funny - poor kid -

    • Teresa McGurk profile image


      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      If I could adopt him, I would. Lovely child.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 

      9 years ago from South Africa

      Oh well what can one say!

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      10 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Ha! Ha!

    • jimmythejock profile image

      James Paterson 

      10 years ago from Scotland

      ralph thanks for the email link , sorry to disapoint lol but it's not me.....jimmy

    • Ralph Deeds profile imageAUTHOR

      Ralph Deeds 

      10 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Could that possibly be Jimmy the Jock at age 14? :-)

    • barranca profile image


      10 years ago

      He looks just like a brother of mine when he was that age.


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