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Justin Bieber- Now You Can Spit Just Like Justin!

Updated on August 17, 2014

Ready... Aim...

Bombs Away!

For those just entering the music industry or those returning to music after some sort of hiatus, it seems so important to recognize that Justin has it all together and virtually rules the industry as it stands today. Some might say Miley did what she did just for his benefit. Why? Because knowing how to spit like that is the sign of a mortal genius. A Living Legend. A rock to be revered throughout the ages.

There's no doubt that countless people view Justin and think, "Wow, could I ever spit like that? Might the moment come when I could look down upon my fans and just, you know, spit right in their hair and face?"

The truth of the matter is, absolutely you can! While that level of confidence is often viewed as arrogance, who can deny that Justin is the one, the guy, the man, the ladies' dream stuff, the ultimate idol for the remainder of the 21st century? Who else could escape a life of obscurity and the fryolator through the most random of chances?

But, dear readers and desirers of ultimate expectoration, this requires proper preparation. Furthermore, it requires significant practice; this cannot be overestimated if one will genuinely spit on a large amount of people when others are watching and cameras are rolling.

Ah, but don't forget reason and purpose! Does Justin do anything without thinking it through and conversing about the implications without consulting his closest allies and colleagues? I dare say he does not. So, reasons for doing this are extraordinarily important; just as important as the proper act itself.

Obviously, one of the primary reasons Justin spits on his fans is to provide easy and inexpensive souvenirs to all those adoring, gum chewing, bubble-popping teen girls out there who spent just about all the money they had just to go see him with their BFF. Another perfectly valid reason for him to do so is to let those wonderful young ladies exactly what he thinks of them. Oh, and also because he's absolutely positive his bubble gum-colored shining star will never diminish and he'll be loved by all forever. There is no Leif Garrett outcome in his future!

Now, for what you came for! So, how does Justin create that perfect spittle to drop in that little girl's hair? First, you chew on a couple of fruit flavored Mentos candies (flavored similarly to his BFF) and work that up in the mouth. Not too much, since you don't want to gag before your true intent comes to pass. But once you have that worked up throughout the palate, chew on a few gummy bears, just to develop a syrupy consistency.

Next, go ahead and enjoy some delicious dairy products, but for no more than five or ten minutes. You don't want to wash away the desired conditions created before all that creamy goodness. Perhaps some Blue Bell pistachio would be ideal.

Okay, while you have this wondrous concoction going on in your mouth, get your finest security personnel to gather oodles of unsuspecting fans directly below your fifth story window. This works best during a sunny day or when there is a light rain, as you want them looking up but distracted by environmental conditions.

Once they are down there, looking up with goo-goo eyes and hoping you'll see and fall in love with only them, gather up a group of your favorite friends; yeah, the ones who harbor the same level of appreciation as you.

At this point, it might be beneficial to hack up your best loogy. Really go for deep in the chest, too, as these girls only deserve the very best. Yeah, really get that juicy baby to the surface and delicately place it on the back of your tongue.

Now, take a deep, deep breath. Being that fresh air right from where the loogy came from, as you might need the force to create a velocity in order to send the sputum well away from your debonair fashion. Now, pucker those luscious lips in a way suggesting you're going to pronounce some European word for icky, as though you might say, ewww.

Now, take aim at the very one who might surely love this gesture from you (but would never be heartbroken by your actions, since surely that would be beneath you) and then concentrate on expelling from the diaphragm, not the lungs, since we're looking for purpose here.

Okay, bombs away!

Undoubtedly, the greatest satisfaction from all of this is the shock in their eyes, and, well, your vast gob of sputum. Just imagine it running down their cheek, blending in with all the rouge there, and then into their gaping mouth, likely inducing vomiting and thereby creating a memory sure to last forever and ever. After covering all of this, I've never wanted to be Justin more than I do right now. I get stars in my eyes and pretend I can see Justin in the ring with The Rock, competing for the title, the day after he spit on that guy from above.

Wow. That would be a memory.

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