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Kojak's Sharp, Suggested Lines

Updated on April 16, 2017
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Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

Who Loves You, Baby

Kojak, (Theo), was an American crime drama television series starring Telly Savalas as the title character, New York City Police Department Detective Lieutenant Theo Kojak. Taking the time slot of the popular Cannon series, it aired on CBS from 1973 to 1978. In 1999 TV Guide ranked Theo Kojak number 18 on its 50 Greatest TV Characters of All Time list.

Kojak, with sucker in mouth spouting sharp one-liners with a gravel tone that meant business, that was Theo Kojak. The Kojak who was no nonsense, foolishness, and absolutely no case solved until Kojak said it was solved.

This program in my honest opinion, was one of CBS' best dramas in the early 1970s. No. This is not a review, but it got such a shining redeeming value that this program was the scriptwriters (main job) to feed Theo Kojak an ample amount of stinging one-liners along with his deep tone who made Kojak the real thing and I don't mean Coca Cola.

Telly Savalas as Theo Kojak  from the premiere of the television  program Kojak.
Telly Savalas as Theo Kojak from the premiere of the television program Kojak. | Source
Telly Savalas with trademark sucker.
Telly Savalas with trademark sucker. | Source

Theo Kojak

was nobody's fool. Be them drug pusher or a cop on the take. Theo Kojak and his serious-minded detectives always stayed on point even when they were not on duty. I loved this about Kojak. But what I loved the most was his one-liners and priceless quotes that he said so well on his program.

Telly Savalas was Known as

Aristotelis "Telly" Savalas (Greek: Αριστοτέλης "Τέλλυ" Σαβάλας; January 21, 1922 – January 22, 1994) was an American singer and film, television, and character actor whose career spanned four decades of television. He was noted for his deep, gravelly voice and his bald head. He also released the one-hit wonder song, "If?," which he introduced in the UK in 1975.He had also appeared as a guest on several talk and variety shows.

Savalas's career began in films in 1961. His movie credits include The Young Savages (1961), The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965), Battle of the Bulge (1965), The Dirty Dozen (1967), The Scalphunters (1968), supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld in the James Bond film On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969), Kelly's Heroes (1970), Pretty Maids All in a Row (1971), Inside Out (1975), and Escape to Athena (1979). He then continued achieving success in the television crime drama Kojak (1973–1978), co-starring his real-life brother George Savalas, in which Savalas played the title role. He was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his performance in Birdman of Alcatraz (1962).

Savalas had three wives, Julie Hovland, December 22, 1984 - January 22, 1994) (his death) (2 children); Marilyn Gardner, July 21, 1960 - October 19, 1974) (divorced) (2 children) and Katherine Nicolaides (1948 - 1957) (divorced) (1 child).

Theo Kojak was a tough, street-smart New York lieutenant who knew how to fight with his fists as well as his wits.
Theo Kojak was a tough, street-smart New York lieutenant who knew how to fight with his fists as well as his wits. | Source

Imagine if you Will

for a few minutes, that you are the main scriptwriter for Telly Savalas on the CBS Television's Kojak, and you are totally responsible for Kojak's sharp lines, one-liners and wisdom that is condensed all within a thirty-second timeframe--and many times walking as he is speaking.

Think you could handle the pressure? Let's see. Here are many of Theo Kojak's suggested lines (written by yours truly) that I know would be interesting and a bit funny to boot.


  • "Hey, baby. Got a clean plate that I can have for a few oysters?"
  • "Whattaya call that, a cab or a retired horse?"
  • "I'm a police lieutenant. See my badge and gun? What gave you my tip off?"
  • "Baby, you are under arrest. You are soooo cute."
  • "Got any handcuffs or do I hold the thug's hands all the way to the police station? Huh?"
  • "Crocker, you gonna sleep today or get this case solved?"
  • "Captain I need you like I need a ruined pot roast."
  • "Stop the cursing, baby. Can't ya' see I'm now sensitive to your anger?"
  • "What gun? I thought that you were shooting a fresh banana!"
  • "Oh, you were fooled by my bald head. You probably thought that I was the police commissioner."
  • "Hey, baby, I need you to hold a stuffed animal while I get ya' paperwork."
  • "What are you doing calling this criminal Clint Eastwood?"
  • "What police squad? I am the lieutenant. Got it? The lieutenant. Now rehearse it!"
  • "Man, those chocolate suckers go like cheap beer."
  • "Crocker, you gonna sit in the men's room most of the morning?"
  • "Detective Stavros, ya' think you can balance all 20 file folders in the elevator? Huh?"
  • "Who loves you, baby? Well, who?"
  • "Who appreciates you, baby?"
  • "I'm not the pet turtle, baby. I'm taking you downtown."
  • "You mean Morgan Freeman isn't on this show? Is there anything real anymore?"
  • "I'm gonna count to two and then you drop the piece."
  • "Stravos! You gettin' us all lunch today or you gonna eat it all? Huh?"
  • "Baby, get me more suckers. Chocolate, please."
  • "Crocker! You braying like a mule or coughing into the phone?"
  • "I didn't get this bald head for looks, baby."
  • "Captain, I need you to take off a few days just until I make a few thugs go away."
  • "Parole? Did you say parole or did I stutter?"

And the Very Best line ever . . .

  • "Meow, baby."

Good night, Bronx, New York.

From left, Telly Savalas, Dan Frazer  and Jean LeBouvier from CBS drama, Kojak.
From left, Telly Savalas, Dan Frazer and Jean LeBouvier from CBS drama, Kojak. | Source

© 2017 Kenneth Avery


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    • faith-hope-love profile image

      John Ward 12 days ago from Richmond, British Columbia, Canada.

      I, also, loved the series Kojak. His one liners were definitely pieces of wisdom. One could say that I was a telly Savalos Fan previous to Kojak. Your piece brought back some good memories. Thank you. This was well researched and put together. A great piece of writing. I especially, with some humor, enjoyed your suggested one liners for the series, They just might have been a good fit. Keep up the good work. John W

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