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Lessons From My Cougar Master
It's funny how working at home can make a person not feel inclined to go out and do fun stuff at the end of the week. There must be something about working your own hours (usually in pajamas) and taking breaks whenever you want that reduces the primal need to cut loose. Maybe it’s because you have that option open every single day and night when you’re self-employed. There’s no time clock to punch the next day. You’re the boss of yourself. If you’re late, you’re late. So what?
Now that I have a job working outside of my home, there's something about working for "the man" and not being able to take leisurely cigarette breaks or to make the choice of simply not working that is very frustrating. So after finishing up my work week, all I really want to do is let my hair down, go to a local bar, and gulp down two or six cold ones while listening to good music and feast my eyes on men in jeans. The best part is that now I have a cougar girlfriend to have fun with. Let's call her Kim.
My Cougar Master
Kim is younger than me, and she's a cougar master because she's been single for a longer period of time than me. After a particularly exciting excursion with her last night, I realized that I must start taking notes and recording everything she does because she has moves that I haven't even dreamed of yet. She's hot!
For example, as opposed to the animal type of cougar, I never realized how important it is for human cougars to move in packs or at least in pairs. It's critical really, because a lone cougar can become road kill sitting in a bar alone if she's not an expert at quickly honing in on her object of desire, and it's very problematic for the non-expert if there are several objects of desire. Plus, if you have a cougar partner, then you can branch out, expand your options, and do tag team flirting. It's also very sexy for men to see two women sitting side by side who can't seem to keep their hands off of each other--that's why cougars generally sit at the bar and not in a booth.
The Big Lesson
What I didn't know, and the biggest number one lesson I learned from Kim last night, is that she always sniffs her prey first. It's true and so simple. I was shocked at first, but it took all of two seconds for the logic to settle into my brain as I saw her sniff the first victim.
He was a twenty-something beefcake hottie with large, tattooed muscular arms that we were both drooling over from afar. We knew he'd eventually have to go to the bathroom which meant he'd have to walk past us--strategic positioning at the bar. We allowed him free passage to the bathroom, but on the way back to his bar spot, Kim grabbed his beefy arm and said, "Let me sniff you." He bent over allowing her nose to nuzzle the side of his neck where she took a long, leisurely sniff along the line of his jugular vein, and then she said, "Yes, very nice and manly."
He was smiling broadly as he stood upright, and then he started to pass me. I swiveled around on my bar stool to stop him and said, "Wait just a minute mister." Of course he stopped as he was commanded and a knowing smile crept over his face. The silly boy thought I wanted to sniff him, but I had other plans as I whispered, "I must squeeze that arm of yours." So I slowly stroked my way up to the part of his arm that I wanted and gave it a firm squeeze while shooting a penetrating gaze into his eyes. He was smiling as I said, "Very nice, I approve."
The sniffing continued into the night, and Kim grabbed one for me to sniff, but I was feeling very shy about the whole experience since it was my first time. I was much more comfortable with the squeezing, but I'm sure I'll also grow to be very comfortable about sniffing men soon.
An overwhelming aroma of Hollister Jake means the guy is probably too young and it's necessary to throw him back into the wild. Very young boys always buy this brand of cologne and they spray themselves far too heavily with it. A distinct wafting of Armani Code means the man is most definitely fair game and at this point a cougar could either decide to sink her fangs into his neck or toy with him a bit longer. I don't think it's necessary remark about the smell of Old Spice except to exclaim: Daddy!
A Dangerous Lesson
I also learned that there's a good bit of heating up and seduction that often takes place before a cougar makes her final move for the kill. This often happens on the dance floor and it always helps to have another woman friend, commonly called a "wing," to assist with this. The more wings you have the better. Although there is an element of danger with this final step in the plan. Gyrating one's pelvic region against another person as if he or she is a stripper pole while moving up and down requires a certain limberness and agility, so breaking a hip or developing a slipped disc in the lower back is a very high risk for a cougar.
There are other complicated moves involving whipping yourself around behind another person so that you can deliver a few smacks on your dance partner’s backside--unless, of course, you're already behind the person, then you may want to whip yourself around to the front or the side for other seductive maneuvers that could also cause an array of highly unpleasant medical emergencies. The most common problems include rotor cup displacement, whip lash, tennis elbow (I'll explain this one more fully another time), high blood pressure, and, worst of all, arthritis could cause one's knees to lock up completely requiring you to be air lifted from the dance floor and placed in a booth and out of commission for the rest of the night.
This is difficult to admit, but I'm not very good at this type of dancing yet. In fact, I'm so bad at it that Kim has demanded that one of the following happen immediately:
1. I can go to a booby club and take a crash course in stripper dancing.
2. I can stop trying to dance and be the stripper pole on the dance floor.
3. Sit on the bench and stay far, far away from the dance floor.
I didn't realize that being a cougar was such serious business, but it is. I think I'll go with option number one, because I'm told I might be able to make some money while I'm learning if they let me get in one of those cages.
But back to the potential medical issues, Kim is a genius, and her advice is to lube yourself up well with Bengay (the unscented variety) before going out. Having a stash of emergency self-adhesive heating pads is a good idea too. Men don't know what you're doing when you're going to the bathroom, and it would be a natural assumption for them to think you're freshening up your lipstick or eyeliner when in fact you're slapping a Hotteeze Stick On Heat Pad to your swollen, throbbing shoulder. If he happens to touch you there and feel the heat, just tell him that he's setting you on fire already. Your G-spot happens to be in your shoulder which is why there’s such a concentration of localized heat in that area, and it will surely spread like wild fire once he understands your special needs better.
Frankly, I haven’t progressed beyond this point yet. I’m always too worn out from all the dancing to care. Heck, I think I've been very lucky to not have suffered a medical emergency yet. So I generally just go home (alone) and fall into bed (alone). However, maybe one day I’ll be able to increase my stamina enough to progress beyond the hunt and kill--I can do the hunting and some of the killing, I just don’t have the energy to drag them home.
Disclaimer: This is a fictional spoof about cougars. The only real part is the sniffing. Yum!