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What to do to be Cool
Warning: This is a joke
So you want to be cool? Well then you've come to the right place. If you follow the tips in this guide you'll be the coolest person around.
- Have as many friends as possible. The more, the better. You get 1 cool point per friend with a bonus of half a point if they're 1+ years older than you. With -1 cool point if the friend is a nerd and 2 cool points if they're of the opposite sex. It's quantity over quality here, so just put yourself out there! Remember, the more friends you have, the more opportunities you will have to complete additional tasks to earn cool points.
- Act stupid. Stupid acts can earn you anywhere from 1 cool point to 10 cool points. Intelligence removes points so beware of showing any. Stupid acts can vary, there really are many options. Skipping class is worth at least 2 depending on the class you skipped and what you did when you were caught. Running from a teacher always is a bonus. Dangerous stunts are perfect, however it's best if combined with the first tip as your cool point bonus is multiplied by the amount of people present. Again, there are bonuses for individuals of the opposite section witnessing it. Points are doubled if you end up bleeding, and tripled if someone else ends up bleeding.
- Consume anything that could harm you. Alcohol or drugs, take it, and take as much as you can. This one is a simple formula. The amount of cool points you earn is equal to the amount of drinks/joints/bowls you've consumed minus the average consumption of those immediately around you, but multiplied by the amount taken in a single hour. There is a 5 point bonus if you puke, but it's -5 points if you puke and your consumption was under the average of those around you. Also note, this a perfect opportunity to rack up points in stupid acts or friends.
- Win. Everything is a contest, and if you win you earn cool points. Video games, beer pong, heaviest weight lifted, biggest... #2..., longest... *cough*, it's all a competition and you need to win if you want to be cool. If you happen to lose, you can still earn cool points and nullify the winner's cool points if played properly. Use comments such as 'only nerds are good at that anyway' or 'I prefer working on my motorcycle rather than practicing that.' That's an indirect win, always be sure to have a strategy in the event of a loss.
- Fads. You need to keep up with what other cool people are doing RIGHT NOW, not last week. This involves paying attention to all forms of pop culture so that you know who to idolize, how to dress, who to have as your role model, and who to hate. This can be time consuming as it can require continuous study. Take time away from things such as homework, cleaning, or work to make sure you know about and understand current pop culture.
There you have it, your guide to being cool. Remember, being cool helps you achieve everything. There really is no other point in life. If you total up your points and they come out to be under the average, I suggest suicide. Suicide earns you a lot of cool points, especially if your suicide note was well written.
Disclaimer: If you follow the steps in this guide and find out that you are still uncool. Good, this guide is a ridiculous joke and loaded with 100% sarcasm. Do what makes you truly happy. Have friends that have your back. Be responsible with mood altering substances. Care about what others think, but care more about what you think, and what those who love you think. Life is about perspective, learn to have and follow your own.