Local Man Spends Life Fortune on Food Resembling Celebrities
Buying Food that Looks Like People
Back in the beginning days of the Internet, some strange and wonderful things used to go up for sale. At one time people pushed the limits of eBay, and would even try to sell their kidneys at auction.
Since then, many sites have become much more restrictive, and the most exciting things you see are burnt pieces of toast that look like Jesus. Over the years, people have been procuring the food-based relics, and the bidding competition is getting fierce
Do you remember the chicken nugget in 2012 that sold for US$8,000 on eBay? It’s true, and it only looked like George Washington.
Don’t forget about the woman who sold the sandwich she made that had an image of the Virgin Mary burned into the bread. She claimed she had the sandwich for over 10 years, and it never rotted or grew mold. This miracle snack sold for a whopping US$28,000 on eBay. Just think of what a nugget like that would be worth if it resembled a current hot celebrity.
Man Starts Collecting at a Young Age
We caught up with one man in this secret world of food-celeb collecting. Radio star Brian Hagen gave us a private tour of his collection.
“It has taken me years to bring all these pieces of art into one place. No location of an auction is too far, and no expense is spared to bring all these beauties together. I first got interested in it when I was a kid; I was half way through eating a Toast’ems and I noticed it looked just like Sammy Davis Junior.
Wait, you guys know what Toast’ems are, right? Don’t you remember the ads they ran? Toast’ems, The Pop-up Pastry of the Recession: because your mom is too cheap to buy Pop Tarts. Anyway, I was just thrilled with my new discovery and kept it in my room for a week until the dog ate it.”
Brian Hagen Shows Off His Collection
He walked me through his mind-boggling collection of preserved fruits, veggies, and snack foods. “This is one of my favorites; Scott Bakula looks just like this chewed gum here. I almost got outbid on this one, but I came up with just enough money at the last minute by selling my car. It is one of the prides of my collection. Over there is a head of cauliflower that looks just like Betty White. Check out this eggplant; it looks just like the guy who played Debo in the movie ‘Friday.’”
He Mortgaged His House to Buy this Special Piece
The collection was very impressive, and Mr. Hagen took me into a portion of his house that was made into a freezer to preserve his really rare finds. He led me down some stairs and into the basement deep underground. A large metal door was cut right into the side of the earth, protected with a retina-scanning lock. After we passed through his security measures, he brought me into a frozen chamber designed to make his art last forever. He put on a pair of gloves and opened a sealed box. Frozen mist blasted up as he reached in and retrieved a bell pepper. “This is my pride and joy; it’s simply known as ‘The Rocky Pepper.’ I had to travel all the way to Japan and outbid a sheik from Sudan, but dammit, I finally got it and now it’s all mine. I had to put a second and third mortage on this house, but don’t you agree it was totally worth it? You’ve seen it, now it is time to go. Please show yourself out.”
I caught a glimpse of him stroking and whispering to his vegetable as I left. I have to admit I felt a twinge of jealously at his manifest collection, and it made me want to start my own. I’ll be much more careful to take a good look at my food before I bite into it.
World-renowed economist, Robert Murphy agrees, "With the dollar rapidly losing its buying power, alternative currency is bound to replace it. I think investing heavily into food that looks like celebrities is sound advice. I know one day soon when the treasury market tanks, I am going to cash in on my Telly Savalas cookie."