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Lottery Winning Stories

Updated on April 4, 2012

Here's What to Buy

Are you flush with cash due to recent lottery winnings? We can help. Too many winners too quickly learn the stress and frustration concomitant with getting rid of that much money.

Sure, a quick $10 from scratch-off tickets might be easy to fritter away. Pick up a few bottles of 5 Hour Energy, put on your paper hat and headphones, and get back to work at the drive-through window.

Wasting millions poses much more of a challenge. We're here to help. Look online for absurdly expensive items guaranteed to consume significant chunks of lottery winnings. How many Corvettes can you drive after they've suspended your license for driving while stupid? Think big!

Buy a Rolex

Instant class is conferred when you slip a Rolex onto your bony wrist. People treat you differently. Cashiers at the Dollar Store will probably let you cut to the front of the line. Everyone at Chipotle recognizes your social standing when they see a gold Rolex glinting gloriously.

We heartily endorse paying someone to actually read your Rolex. Wear it proudly, but depend on a sycophant to decipher it for you. Certainly a member of your retinue would be only too happy to casually glance at your bony wrist in order to keep you appraised of what time it might be. Chipotle opens at 11 AM: you need to know that.

One model of Rolex is called The Oyster. We surmise that it's sealed up tightly and has a little grain of sand in it, or something like that. There are other models as well: get one of each because you are filthy rich now.

Consider absurdly expensive diamond rings

Diamonds were initially discovered in jewelry stores. Enterprising rich people quickly determined that these shiny little stones looked good when clamped into rings and slid onto bony fingers. The smartest rich people quickly spent obscene amounts of money on rings from reputable sources such as eBay and eBay affiliates. You should be one of those people.

Diamonds can be cut in different ways. There's the princess cut and the passion cut. No one really cares how it's been cut as long as it focuses and reflects light with the precision of an industrial laser and the expense of a really expensive luxury item.

You'll also need a band. A diamond ring without a band will fall off your bony finger with embarrassing regularity. You are too rich to be embarrassed regularly. Platinum provides propitious encircling properties.

Drive a BMW 7-Series

Don't plan on rolling up to the Dollar Store in a rusty 1970 Vega after you win hundreds of millions in the lottery. Unwritten rules dictate the acquisition of numerous BMW 7-series automobiles. Plan on having several models for each day of the week. We like the red ones because police ticket them more aggressively. You can afford it.

Pay cash. You do not need no stinking financing. Borrowing other people's money is an indication of poorness, which you do not have. You have richness. You deserve to be adored.

Hang expensive paintings

You've arrived. It's time to cover the holes in your drywall. Rich people hang paintings everywhere. Expensive paintings are preferred, but as long as the frame looks expensive and you don't have any actual art critics in your posse, anything you come home with should be acceptable.

Look for shiny gold frames. These are always eye-catching and will impress anyone who swings by your double-wide to look at your BMW 7-series. Be prepared to discuss the suffering endured by the painter and what kind of paint he used.

Time Share

Flitting about the globe requires a place to stay. You can't sleep in your BMW 7-series and you can't risk another embarrassing overbooking incident at the Motel 6. Look for time share opportunities to show off your richness. Everyone knows that only the most financially robust travelers indulge in staying at really nice condos along the inter-coastal waterway.

Some very expensive hotels and motels offer time-sharing programs at their vacation resort plantation island getaway honeymoon chateau condominiums. Get some of those before they sell out during the busy season. If you have to bring your own towels, get some really good ones.

Hoard Gold Coins

You'll need some gold. All the rich people have gold. Don't expect to grill out with the rich people next door unless there's gold sitting around in piles next to the Shish Kabobs.

Acquire gold in all its' forms. Buy nuggets, flakes, bullion, coins, bars, and Golden Graham Cereal. The cereal isn't actually made of authentic gold, but it's extremely tasty and it's obviously the preferred breakfast of rich people when served with caviar.

Get a boat

When the sun sets over the bow of your personal boat, you know you're rich. You know that all the other less-fortunate shore-dwellers are noticing you as you do boating things. A boat offers tremendous opportunities for exercising your richness.

A boat always needs something. It's always running out of some important piece of equipment or running aground. You will be amazed and thrilled to deplete your wealth on your boat. Purchase a boat with many engines and a huge crew.

Rich people love Fritos

Fritos go with everything. Your BMW 7-series sports a massive trunk that holds boxes of these wonderful corn-based salty snacks. You'll never meet a rich person without Fritos in their trunk. Make sure you are one of those people. Lottery winnings beg to be spent on Fritos.

The individual serving bags tell everyone you are so wealthy that you can afford to pay a premium for personal Fritos. No one will question your commitment to spending your money. Look for a variety of flavors and shapes. Actually, there's only one shape: even rich people can't have everything.

Cruise in a Party Bus Limo

Plan on arriving with a party when you are a rich person. Your adoring fans expect you to provide good times with your money. They will not bring their wallets. Your wallet had better be huge and always open. A party bus is a great way to meet new friends and build lasting relationships with recent friends. They all want to hear your lottery winning stories, as long as the Fritos don't run out.

Cruise down the interstate highway with your party at full speed. All the other less-rich drivers will change lanes to make room for you and your bus. Make sure you don't run out of Fritos.

Get a Safe Room in a Bunker

Bad things happen to rich people. You can only buy your way out of so many Armageddons before the zombie hordes catch up with you. Enclave yourself in a custom-built bunker so you'll have a place to count your money and tell your lottery winning stories.

Look for stainless steel and stainless platinum and stainless aluminum. Add in a few accents made of expensive unpronounceable metal alloys that no one else has in their bunker. The clan on the next hill will be insanely jealous, or just insane, depending on how clean their water supply is.


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    • profile image

      Critic 5 years ago

      Useful, Funny, Insane, Informative, Voter Up, all that stuff.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 years ago

      Do what Obama says and give it away. You don't need it!

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

      Great Hub but I have a problem! I gotta hit that sucker in order to put your advice to good use. I'm not like the federal government. I can't just print more money when I want it. LMBO

      The Frog

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      nicomp - I'm putting this one in my saved hubs file so I will know precisely which items to purchase when I win the megabucks lottery. Would not want to be filthy rich without owning the requisite goodies.

    • Dee42 profile image

      Dee42 5 years ago from Beautiful Arkansas

      I loved this hub! Very witty,and refreshing. This made my day. Voted up and across for ya.