- Entertainment and Media
Make Me Old Online
Do You Want to Be Old?
Literally 5 or 6 sentient humans throughout the globe sincerely wish to be old.Sure, Hollywood and probably Bollywood concoct feature film plots depicting folks who long for oldness, but most of us prefer our current chronology over what we might face as senior citizens.
On the other hand, many web surfers own up to a passing curiosity as to what they might look like as an old person. Modern technology make this yearning a reality. You can make yourself old, if only in a virtual sense. Many web sites exist solely to provide magical aging software to the masses.
These web miracles offer free and physically painless old-person makeovers to folks feeling excluded from our modern society because they are too young. Most people simply glance at their driver's license photo to see a really bad image of themselves. If that's not enough, go online to make yourself old.
How Do You Make Yourself Old?
Becoming aged requires a simple transfer of information from your personal computer to an Internet computer hidden somewhere in cyberspace. We don't care where it is, it just is. Upload a current photo of your face, walk away, make yourself a smoothie, and in a relatively brief period of time an almost but not quite completely unrecognizable image appears in your inbox or on your web page. This image ostensibly represents oldie-you.
What Resources Might Be Required to Turn You Into an Old Person?
Many Internet users hesitate to make themselves old because they fear the outlay of hardware and software resources. They wonder if such a significant step might affect their ability to put their kids through trade school or provide a reasonable tip for the dry cleaner. To their surprise, the typical old person transformation turns out to be quite a bargain.
The potential oldie should be prepared
to provide a current photograph, but even a passport photograph or a
hastily drawn sketch will suffice. Should the client not have access to a
computer, most public library computers connect to the Internet and also
connect to many free old person makeover web sites. Email addresses may be
obtained free of charge from many web sites such as Google.com and
MakeMeOldPlease.com. If the latter domain is available, feel free to register it now.
How does this process work?
Software is a magical thing. Highly educated computer programmers create wonderful computer programs such as Angry Birds or the the code that controls a Coke Machine. Other programmers who can't get a real job toil tirelessly in their parent's basement to create logic that consumes a digital photograph and spits out an 'oldified' version. Millions of microprocessor instructions execute in a technical ballet of one's and zero's. The process is actually quite complicated.
Don't worry about how it all happens. Simply revel in the results.
Software engineers want you to be happy. To that end, they offer innovative applications that make you over into zombies, cartoons, or old persons. Everyone wins. The coders get a new line on their resume and you get a funny picture. All their years of advanced education pays off and you get a funny picture. They prove to their parents that they will actually amount to something and you get... we think you get the picture now.
Does an Old Person Makeover Intrude on Your Privacy?
Acquiring an old person makeover obligates you to send a photo of yourself to a relatively unknown web site. Your image becomes part of cyberspace for all eternity. You may one day see your resemblance on a billboard advertisement for foot powder or other wonder drugs. Such an experience may be a fun thing for some people, while other folks could well be horrified.
Read the fine print carefully. You never know how an old person makeover will impact your ability to get a job or file for Social Security. Employers and government agencies frown upon applicants who are not comfortable in their own young skin.
Only you can decide if the risk outweighs the rewards. The reward appears to be a few moments of amusement and the possession of a graphics file remotely looks like you might look if you immediately became old overnight. You may be able to coax a few uncomfortable chuckles from friends and neighbors. You could use the thing as your desktop wallpaper on your computer or the background on your iPhone. We suggest a panoramic shot of the Grand Canyon, but the final choice belongs to you.
Is There a Downside to an Old Person Transformation?
No, there's no downside to this transformation. Reality indicates that this transformation actually occurs deep within in cyberspace. No human beings are harmed. It's your photo that's altered, not your physical being. Your inner self, your yin and yang, and your existential consciousness cannot be affected.
If you liked The View before being made old, you will still like The View once the process has completed. You
will not experience sudden uncontrollable urges to walk the mall or drive with your blinker on. You
can keep your day job: you do not have to retire. Your credit rating will not rise or fall, nor will your
social standing change. No one will know of your transformation unless you choose to reveal the gory details to them personally.
The average customer might believe, with all sincerity, that a free online "make me old" transformation represents the peak of online transformations provided at no cost. We beg to differ. We humbly request a variance of opinion. We suffer fools gladly, even should they be transformation-obsessed Internet surfers. Demand for oldie makeovers will inevitably peak. We can't say when the peak will come because we are not soothsayers. Once we are beyond the peak, we predict free online makeovers for additional phase-of-life situations:
- Super Bowl MVP Makeovers
- Evening News Anchor Makeovers, and
- "Make Me Young" Makeovers.
No old people were harmed in the composition of this article, but numerous septuagenarians fell asleep while proofreading it. We tucked them in and turned down the lights.