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Men's Public Bathroom Rules and Etiquette
When it comes to public restrooms, guys generally know the rules and follow them. Maybe that’s why when one guy doesn’t, it seems like such a big deal. It’s almost as if he has violated a sacred covenant that was given after the Ten Commandments, when Moses and God shared an awkward moment as they searched for a bush to relieve themselves behind.
For men, the bathroom is a sanctuary, holding almost religious overtones. At home, we have our own custom setups - magazines, books, essential oils (just kidding). So when we use a public restroom, we generally want to get in and out quickly, avoiding interactions.
Because the violations of the Men’s Bathroom Code of Honor have become more frequent, I have decided to codify the Rules.
Never Stand Next to Another Man at a Urinal
If there are three urinals, and a guy is at the far left one, you are commanded to choose the far right one, leaving one urinal in between them. If you are the third one to walk up to two urinals in use, it is ok to use the middle one (especially at sporting events).
This rule applies to toilet stalls as well. If there are two stalls and one is occupied, find another bathroom (unless it’s an emergency).
This brings us to our next rule, which is especially important if you are there to use the urinal:
Never Make Eye Contact with Anyone
Do not look into any man’s eyes. Especially if you are holding your member. Even if you are walking in and you see another man looking at you, look down at your shoes. We do disgusting things in bathrooms. I don’t want to know who is responsible for what smell, or that questionable dribble.
If you can make it in and out of a public restroom without looking at a single soul, you have succeeded.
Always Flush the Urinal or Toilet
I read in the Bible that if the urine of two men mix, then a baby angel becomes a devil.
You don’t want to be responsible for this, do you? When you are finished peeing or pooping, please flush the toilet or urinal.
I don’t think this is too much to ask. A man should never have to clean up after another man, especially in the bathroom.
Never Talk to Another Man in a Public Bathroom
If you are following the eye contact rule, this shouldn’t be an issue. But sometimes you run into a coworker who doesn’t respect the ancient covenant. If they try to engage you in conversation, try to deflect them with as few words as possible.
If he asks you about that assignment you are working on, smile and tell him you are going to crap your pants and you’ll stop by his office after you are done.
God forbid a stranger tries to talk to you. If they are a weirdo, just ignore them. Politeness does not apply in the inner sanctum.
Talking on Cell Phones in a Public Bathroom - NO!
Do not talk on your cell phone in the bathroom. Period. This is the most disgusting thing you can do, aside from pooping in a urinal. I don’t want to hear you try to talk yourself out of an argument with your girlfriend.
You are allowed to play Angry Birds if you are sitting on the toilet, but do it with the sound off. If I hear a man’s phone making strange noises, I am expecting to see it poke over the top of the stall to take my picture.
People who are obviously on their phones are one step above toe-tappers.
Men's Bathroom Rules - Please Respect Each Other
For men, the bathroom is a solitary experience. You will never see us gathering up our friends when we need to hit the urinal or the crapper. In fact, when I have to go number two, I will take an elevator in my office building to a floor with low traffic, so I can do my business in peace.
Because we believe in the solitary and reflective nature of the bathroom, we hate it when someone tries to turn the bathroom into a social experience. At my office, only the women have couches in their bathroom. I can say this without certainty: if there was a couch in a men’s public bathroom, I would not sit on it. Especially if it were made of cloth.
I hope that if you are a violator of these rules, that you will wise up and respect the God-given Rules of Men’s Public Restrooms. If you are female, I hope you have gotten an amusing peek into the inner world of men’s public restrooms.
About the author: John is the founder of MarriedWithDebt.com, a personal finance and lifestyle design blog geared towards helping younger, married couples get out of debt and build the life they want...together.
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