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Miss America Pageant Winner Will Surely Be Me One Day Soon

Updated on July 10, 2017
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

Serious Questions About

could I compete in the Miss America Pageant? Would I compete in the Miss America Pageant? And the winner is, "yes." No. Emphatically, yes. Now how tough was that, males who are familiar with my hubs? "But, Ken," you spew. "you are a male and you are wanting to compete in the Miss America Pageant?" Of course. Why cannot a male in tolerant America compete in this illustrious event that always captures both the males and females of America and the world?

Can you give me one solid reason why I shouldn't make a run at being the first Miss America? And another astounding question: How would America (and the entire world) react to me, holding the crown for being the first and (probably the last) man to be Miss America? The waves of anger, prejudice and bigotry would sweep over the streets of the major cities of our country as well as those in Japan, China, and Italy.

Margaret Gorman the first  Miss America Sept 8 1921.
Margaret Gorman the first Miss America Sept 8 1921. | Source

The Following Are The Real Qualifications for Anyone

who want to compete in the Miss America Pageant:

•Be between the ages of 17 and 24;

•Be a United States citizen;

•Meet residency requirements for competing in a certain city or state;

•Meet character criteria as set forth by the Miss America Organization;

•Be in reasonably good health to meet the job requirements.

Now I ask you, can you beat these for flexible qualifications in such a magnanimous event? The best part of these requirements are: I would not need a high school graduation or G.E.D., a college degree, or meet any superior-minded I.Q. tests. Wow. I am now ecstatic even before I have started shopping for my wardrobe for evening wear, swimsuits, and talent competition. Oh, joy! Oh, wonder! I am happier than the legendary Ray Bolger "Scarecrow" on the classic, The Wizard of Oz, after the Wizard gave him a brain.

Pop Quiz: Quickly. Which of the two females below is a real Miss America Contestant?

Kellyanne Conway
Kellyanne Conway | Source
Deidre Downs, Miss America 2005.
Deidre Downs, Miss America 2005. | Source
 Katie Couric, former celebrity of Today Show.
Katie Couric, former celebrity of Today Show. | Source

What Would I Be Getting Myself Into

by way of me, the only male EVER, to be the first Miss America or any male in this world-wide venture for that fact? Ground-breaking stuff, I tell you. But true, I would be facing weeks and months of hateful twitters and harsh posts on Facebook to say nothing about those female contestants who have worked their shapely butts off doing "Anti-Male Miss America Pageant Contestant" interviews with Jimmy Fallon and Matt Lauer on The Today Show. I bet you that when Lauer hears of me being on national television talking about this historical time, former Today Show co-host, Katie Couric would be foaming at her mouth trying to bribe Today Show producers trying, well, begging, for her to be the first female teleanchor to talk about me taking on The Miss America Pageant.

My good male friends who we have went through our schooldays, teenage years, and endured work, stress, and even some friction by the all-knowing I.R.S., would tell me to shove off, get lost, or go somewhere where it is very hot, Hades to be clear, just because our male friendship is not strong enough for (them) to watch the first man in the world (me) to take that royal walk wearing my diamond tiara while holding my long-stem roses and waving that special "Miss America" wave while the world looks on in awe and shock. But life goes on. I shall miss those guys.

The major obstacle that I would have to face would be having nerve (and my lawyer working pro bono for me) to get that name, "Miss America," changed to its rightful name. But me being fair-minded and understanding, I would not hog my gender, male, and since I am not a female, I would opt to have the ever-popular Miss America title changed to: "I'm America." I feel that we can no longer say that one female or male is suitable to be 'Miss' or 'Mr.' America so a title that is middle-of-the-road like "I'm America," would be great for the brave males who would follow me and yes, the females could enter the "I'm America Pageant," and win and still have the same glory and honor as it always did.

I want to face this adversity that is much like an elephant in the room by discussing the great possibility of me receiving death threats and ugly emails stemming from the male rednecks who are still living in the stone age telling women what to do and how the man is to be revered and not his wife. These "men" riding in 4x4 pick-up trucks wielding 12-gauge shotguns and chewing Red Man would be a force for sensitive men like me to be careful when going out in public. I would probably tell these guys (if encountered by this maniacal group) just chill out. I am still a male. I just wanted the Miss America Pageant to have a fitting name since equality is the name of the game. Thank God I could exercise my freedom of speech with my ten bodyguards backing me up.

The second-toughest task that I will have would be my wardrobe. I know that a certain amount of dressing up and glam would be needed for me holding the title of "I'm America," so I have chosen denim colored jeans made from imported Chinese silk and a matching western vest made from real seaweed. I am not going to wear any wardrobe where animals are killed to make my clothes. My shoes will be Italian flip flops with diamonds set in the top of the foot. I know that by me being male might pose a problem for some people, but think about it. "I" am not some people.

 Miss Arkansas crowned Miss America 2017.
Miss Arkansas crowned Miss America 2017. | Source

Naming The Good Things About

me being "I'm America," formerly named, "The Miss America Pagent," would be fantastic. I would staart by hiring the same public relations firm that Bill Gates hired upon him earning his first million dollars when he sold Windows for all who own computers. Look at the success Gates' firm did for him.

I would have talk shows--radio and television, literally beating my doors down for minimal interview, but with my celebrity agency, my fee would be around $500,000.00 a show, but 10% of that going to my favorite charities. Those charities would be able to do a lot of good after I get the title of "I'm America."

For me to get my photo (with crown) to be published on noted publications as Us; People; Redbook; New York Times and Washington Post will not be a matter of me or my public relations staff asking for a photo-opp, but for any and every one of these powerful publications. And with this move, I shall not ask for an appearance fee. Yes, my new title, "I'm America," will gain hordes of fans for being so generous.

Jon Bovi would already be begging for me to lease the rights to the song that he wrote and performed with my very own song about "I'm America." A few suggested song titles are: "It's His Life," "You Give Pageants a Great Name," and "I'm Medicine." Hey, I could go with Bon Jovi and the band on a ground-breaking tour "I'm America--And Love It Tour," sponsored by MTV and NetFlix. With this tour I dare say that if Casey Casum were alive, rest his soul, he would tell me that I had "reached for the stars" and won the greatest pageant ever.


Bon Jovi's future hit song (about me), "I'm Medicine."

"If all that I have are dreams, then just let me dream. It is up to you who are reading this piece to make sense out of this quote."

— Ken Avery
Lissa Rinni, Days of Our Lives.
Lissa Rinni, Days of Our Lives. | Source

More Good Things About Me Being "I'm America"

The Bill Gates public relations firm would stop work on all other powerful politicians and celebrities and let me be their only client. Can you think of any celebrity that would be able to compete with "I'm America?"

Vince McMahon, CEO of the WWE, would have me be the special guest referee on whatever number the next Wrestlemania will be immediately after I am named "I'm America," and to join me in the ring will be former wrestle celebrities, Hulk "Hollywood" Hogan; Ric Flair; and Buff Bagwell. McMahon would rake in THE biggest ratings and revenue EVER thanks to, well, you know who.

Scriptwriters and producers from Days of Our Life would be crawling at my knees wanting me to do a cameo for their daytime drama. My character would be named, "Bill I'm America," and be a common, everyday day laborer who finds himself walking to find a place to sleep and I walk upon the hottest female star on that show, Lisa Rinni, and I get written into that show where she and I have a torrid affair, but with me making $5 million for one shot. But Days of Our Lives will be THE highest rated soap opera in history.

Since I am now known as "I'm America," scriptwriters will have written an Oceans 22 something with me as one of George "Danny Oceans" Clooney's crew and our plot in this film is for us to steal the patent and blueprints from the real tiara worn by the first Miss America. And this value is right at 4 billion bucks. Brad Pitt almost walks off the set claiming that I am getting too much face time.

Miss America 2016  in swimsuit competition.
Miss America 2016 in swimsuit competition. | Source
Yolande Betbeze, Miss America 1951.
Yolande Betbeze, Miss America 1951. | Source
Miss Boston Miss St Patricks Day.
Miss Boston Miss St Patricks Day. | Source
Could Jon Bon Jovi on one future day, be singing a song that he wrong for me?
Could Jon Bon Jovi on one future day, be singing a song that he wrong for me? | Source

Conclusion of "Good Things That I Would Do if I Were 'I'm America.'

I would not be able to find time to keep all of the public service announcement's recorded for "Kids, Do What I'm America Did. Stay in School." This PSA would hit the roof and kids would never leave school. I guess I may be dreaming, but what a dream, huh?

On the next Super Bowl after I win The Miss America Pageant, the producers of the halftime show will NOT need to hire any famous stars. Just yours truly and I will sing "Living in America," sang by the late James "Godfather of Soul" Brown and then make a hard-hitting speech about whatever needs to be made aware of at that time.

I will, thanks to the public relations firm I hired from Bill Gates, have a career after my "I'm America," is over, so I will have my own late-night talk show on whatever network outbids me as the star of the talk show where I talk to real people, not just famous people. For example: the man who smoked cigarettes for 30 years and successfully quit. These type of everyday heroes. And with my own fame as the only male to be the first Miss America, well, ratings couldn't be higher.

Of course I will have a full plate of touring elementary, middle, and high schools giving something back to the children and tell them that getting an education comes before being the next "I'm America." Can you imagine just how many children this will help?

Then one day, the CEO of my public relations firm visits me and tells me that the Pope wants to have lunch with me in Rome and for me not to worry for lunch in on him. As part of my "I'm (All About) America Talk Show," I have to do some research on what I am to talk to with the Pope. I find out that the current Pope would like to have a wardrobe change like I had when I won the "Miss America Pageant."

Denim and silk?

It worked for me.

Katie Harman Miss America  2008.
Katie Harman Miss America 2008. | Source

© 2017 Kenneth Avery

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    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, breakfastpop,

      In your case, (you said that I had as much chance of winning the Publishers Clearing House than I do as winning the Miss America Pageant), tell you what I will do.

      When (not if) I win Miss America, I will hire you to be my press secretary and be paid well for one year, but in this year you can network up to other higher paying jobs.

      Deal?

      Write soon.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Paula,

      DEAL!

      But I have another plan under my sleeve. If "Miss America," crashes down, I have plans to win "Alone" on the Discovery Channel and if I keep writing hubs like this, I will surely be banished from U.S.A. and (that) challenge will be a breeze.

      Thanks for the input, Paula and stay in touch.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Poppy,

      You are one sweet angel!

      Thank you for your very kind remark.

      I am working on that 17 to 24 discrimination-based guideline.

      Keep in touch.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      KEN......pop can forget about Publisher's Clearing House because it's MINE!!.........as for you as Miss America? not in this lifetime, sorry Sir!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 months ago

      You have as much chance of being Miss America as I do of winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes!!!

    • poppyr profile image

      Poppy 5 months ago from Tokyo, Japan

      You have to be between the ages of 17 and 24 to compete. Unfortunately. I would have loved to see you strutting your stuff.