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Movie Review: "Twilight" (2008)

Updated on April 21, 2012

DISCLAIMER: This review may contain spoilers.

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past several years, you probably already know about these 'Twilight' books and movies. You probably already know about how much they suck and how much certain people with low film standards are obsessed with them. While I won't touch upon anything groundbreaking within this review, I can certainly guarantee my full support behind this cinematic plague.

Now, one can argue that everyone's taste is different when it comes to movies in general. True, however, I do believe there is a certain level that should be reached to be considered a worthwhile film, no matter if it's an epic love story or a brainless action flick. Someone could be into slow sci-fi horror and brainless action but hate epic love stories, that's fine.

But when it comes to things like "Twilight", it goes beyond one's taste, it insults cinematic history itself. The story of "Twilight" follows the incredibly boring life of Bella who moves with her sheriff dad from hot and hazy Arizona to cloudy Washington. She attends her new school and meets Edward Cullen whom she discovers is a vampire (don't worry, he's also vegetarian) as is his entire family.

Some old vampire foes of the Cullen family show up, they threaten Bella's life, and an awkward romance develops for no apparent reason.

Just for the record, these 'Twilight' movies and books are horrid and the sad fact is that these kids who continue to follow them will have their standards of quality entertainment lowered to such an embarrassing degree. As they continue to grow older, these people will no longer seek out entertainment that is of intelligence and high quality.

The future of literature and film may both be doomed because of this. Twenty or so years from now, you may find yourself sitting in an audience full of dumb people because they will become the main bread and butter for studio executives to cater to.

Vampire or Vampmeyer?

Vampires have an established mythos within fiction. Stephanie Meyer took an unsuccessful risk when she decided to screw around with it. In Meyer's 'Twilight' universe:

  • Sunlight has no significant effect on vampires. Instead of erupting into flames, they simply sparkle… you know, like a Disney character in a sense. Aw, how PG.
  • Holy water and the crucifix are no longer a threat.
  • Some vampires are vegetarian, like the ones Edward Cullen is associated with. Vegetarian vampires, eh? Way to go, Meyer! I guess someone forgot that vampires prey on living people and that is their primary driving force. Can you imagine these Cullen people running like idiots into the vegetable section at the supermarket and eating everything like scavengers? Now that's a scene I'd like to see on the director's cut.
  • In their spare time, vampires love to play baseball. WTF!? These are vampires we're talking about, right?

Love Potion X

Let's examine the driving force behind "Twilight" -- The love story… if you want to call it that. If "Twilight" were re-written with no vampires in it, it would be nothing more than a cardboard teen love story about two idiots who want each other so much simply for the sake and convenience of the plot itself.

What Stephanie Meyer does is take a haphazard relationship and presents it as something desirable.

First off, there's our female protagonist, Bella. Here we have a teenage girl who's attracted to a scumbag bad boy type, meanwhile she treats everybody around within her circle like absolute garbage. In other words, she is the perfect conceited [CENSORED] stereotype. Let's not forget her total lack of personality on top of all this, this chick is straight up bland and boring.

Then we have Edward. This guy is obsessed with Bella to the fifteenth power. Why you ask? Because her smells delicious yet he refuses to be around her, in the event that he might accidentally nibble on her neck with his fangs with no way to resist.

Bella is turned on by this fact and goes on to say nice things about him when everything that has ever come out of Edward's mouth has been anything but nice. Perhaps I missed a compliment from him here and there, but for the most part, it's the usual "I can't be near you! I wanna bite the crap out of you so bad!" crap.

Here is where the problem lies with this type of set-up…

Many young girls read these books and watch these movies. This is the message they're getting:

Be boring! Be bland! Who's gonna want some strong and assertive woman? Just find yourself an abusive lover and that's all you'll ever need.

Random Things That Make No Sense

  • Ashley states that she can see the future. Funny, she couldn't see Bella's pregnancy. I know what movie quote I'd dedicate to her if she were my psychic... ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: "You're fired."
  • So, right after Bella gets mugged, Edward saves her and decides to take her out to dinner immediately afterwards. Perfect timing. Bella doesn't appear to be the slightest bit traumatized at all.
  • We have a high school that is filled with predictable outcast stereotypes such as the geek cheek, the nerdy Asian guy, and the annoying girly girl for starters. Yet, for some reason, they all immediately welcome Bella into their circle of friendship on her first day of school. Furthermore, Bella still feels alienated by everything?


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      Ducky 3 years ago

      I'm quite pleased with the inoamrotifn in this one. TY!