My Booze and Porn Hell - a Canine Confession
Arthur's Story - as told to Mazzy Bolero
I’m a regular type of dog, nothing special. I like eating, running, playing, humping chair legs, that kinda thing. That’s what makes my story so tragic. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
I was living a normal kind of dog life – I even had a girlfriend, Janice. She was pug ugly, but she had a nice personality.
Janice. Nice personality.
I lived with some humans in a nice house and if I say so myself, they were pretty easy to handle. They usually did what I told them to do; when I wanted to play, they got the toys out; when I wanted a walk, they got their coats; when I wanted food, they reached for the can opener. I didn’t realize how lucky I was.
Fluffy, my great passion
One day, I was mooching around in the yard when I saw her – the bitch who would ruin my life. Her name was Fluffy and she was a doll. She had fur the color of candy, a swishy little tail and a face to die for. When she turned around and looked at me with her tongue hanging out, I knew she felt the same.
But how would we get together? She had a female human with her nearly all the time, one of these strange sounding people my humans call “British.” I guess that’s some kinda different breed of human. Anyhow, she always had Fluffy on a leash and if my little cutie slowed down to give me a yearning look, she would yank on the leash and shout, “Hurry up, Fluffybum.” And with Janice hanging around most of the time, too, I didn’t see how we could get it on.
It looked like it was just a hopeless dream. One day though, I was talking to my friend Jake. He’s real street-wise, his humans kick him out of the house every morning and he knows the streets like the back of his paw. He knew where Fluffy lived and told me I could get access to her with no problem. She had a little kennel out the back, and there was a hole in the fence. I could squeeze through that hole and wow, tails would wag.
But first he said I had to prepare myself. Fluffy was a high class bitch, some kind of pedigree, but me, I was just a cross-breed, too average, too run of the mill. I had to get myself smartened up in more ways than one. I would have to educate myself, so I could present myself with more finesse, and learn about stuff beyond my usual territory i.e. the yard and the park. I neglected Janice heartlessly in the process. I decided to get myself fit and strong as well, to impress my new love with my physique, so I ran round the yard two hundred times a day. My humans were so puzzled they went out and bought worming tablets. Finally, I rolled in some cow pats so that I would smell really impressive. Then I made my way to Fluffy’s place.
I squeezed through the narrow hole in the fence and saw the little kennel and looked around for Fluffy. What I saw next destroyed me. There she was, my dream dog, my perfect mate, my angelic little fur-ball, and she was being humped - and not just by anybody - by my so-called best friend, Jake. What’s more, her tongue was hanging out. My world collapsed around me; betrayed by my dreamgirl and my best friend at the same time.
I couldn’t handle it. I went off the rails. I got in with a bad crowd, a street gang. I took to drink. I was living like a mad dog. My new friends were wild, they had no respect for anyone or anything. Janice tried to help me, but I told her to get lost, I didn’t love her any more. I didn’t feel a thing as I saw her little pug face crumple. I started seeing other broads, loose bitches, the kind that would go with anyone.
I took terrible risks. Sometimes I stayed out all night and only went home when I was hungry. My humans were worried; they thought I’d gone crazy. They kept writing to some dog psychiatrist on TV, but they never got a reply.
I hung out with a bad crowd
For a while I dated a poledancer, Snowy, she was a stray, she needed the money. I realized that everyone has a story, everyone has a point of view. I left Snowy and led a wild, promiscuous life.
Worst of all, my new friends were immoral. They introduced me to Internet porn. I became addicted. They would spend all the time they could in front of the computer, panting in front of the screen, and soon I was doing the same. I was sinking as low as any dog could sink.
The Turning Point
There were two things that brought me to my senses. The first was finding Jake snoring on the sofa at my house, drunk as a skunk. Fluffy had thrown him over for a Shih-Tzu. He couldn't take the humiliation. He told me he was sorry he double-crossed me - I was his best friend; the dame wasn't worth it. Seeing him made me realize what I was doing to myself. It made me realize what type of fickle bitch Fluffy really was. I found myself thinking of Janice - kind, sweet, loyal, sensible Janice. If you didn't look at her face, she was pretty attractive. And what dog needs to look at a face?
I went straight round to her home to find Janice, to beg her to forgive me and take me back. All I wanted was the life I had before, the life I had with her. If only she could overlook the way I betrayed her and treated her like dirt. If only I could convince her that I'd learnt my lesson.
I went to her house, to the yard where she always used to sniff around for hours, waiting for me. At first, I couldn't see her. Then I heard a snorting sound. I followed it to a stinking patch of weeds at the back of the house, and there I saw a sight that made my blood run cold. Janice, the true love of my life, lay flat out on the ground with her head lolling. At the end of her nose was some Coke. I heard myself whimper. It was guilt: this was all my fault. My Janice was a Coke addict because of my betrayal.
Today I'm a sadder and wiser dog. I know now that what I felt for Fluffy was just lust. What I feel for Janice is true love. I've stopped drinking the booze and I've given up the porn. From now on I'm just a regular dog again.
My humans seem pretty relieved that I stopped behaving so weirdly. In fact, they had begun whispering that, if I didn't stop acting so wild, they would have to take me to the V-E-T for you-know-what. I don't know what you-know-what is, but I suspect it wouldn't have been good. Janice is trying to forgive me and she's off the Coke. We may have a future.
I hoped to sell my story for thousands to the News of the World but sadly this went out of business. I'm stuck with something called Hub Pages - so I won't get the mazoolah for the luxury kennel for me and Janice to start a family. I'm telling my story anyway, because I want to warn all those cocky young pups not to throw away the filet mignon for the bone-meal. Things aren't always what they seem.