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My Booze and Porn Hell - a Canine Confession

Updated on September 25, 2012
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Arthur's Story - as told to Mazzy Bolero


I’m a regular type of dog, nothing special. I like eating, running, playing, humping chair legs, that kinda thing. That’s what makes my story so tragic. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

I was living a normal kind of dog life – I even had a girlfriend, Janice. She was pug ugly, but she had a nice personality.

Janice. Nice personality.

I lived with some humans in a nice house and if I say so myself, they were pretty easy to handle. They usually did what I told them to do; when I wanted to play, they got the toys out; when I wanted a walk, they got their coats; when I wanted food, they reached for the can opener. I didn’t realize how lucky I was.

Fluffy, my great passion

Kismet Strikes


One day, I was mooching around in the yard when I saw her – the bitch who would ruin my life. Her name was Fluffy and she was a doll. She had fur the color of candy, a swishy little tail and a face to die for. When she turned around and looked at me with her tongue hanging out, I knew she felt the same.

But how would we get together? She had a female human with her nearly all the time, one of these strange sounding people my humans call “British.” I guess that’s some kinda different breed of human. Anyhow, she always had Fluffy on a leash and if my little cutie slowed down to give me a yearning look, she would yank on the leash and shout, “Hurry up, Fluffybum.” And with Janice hanging around most of the time, too, I didn’t see how we could get it on.

It looked like it was just a hopeless dream. One day though, I was talking to my friend Jake. He’s real street-wise, his humans kick him out of the house every morning and he knows the streets like the back of his paw. He knew where Fluffy lived and told me I could get access to her with no problem. She had a little kennel out the back, and there was a hole in the fence. I could squeeze through that hole and wow, tails would wag.

But first he said I had to prepare myself. Fluffy was a high class bitch, some kind of pedigree, but me, I was just a cross-breed, too average, too run of the mill. I had to get myself smartened up in more ways than one. I would have to educate myself, so I could present myself with more finesse, and learn about stuff beyond my usual territory i.e. the yard and the park. I neglected Janice heartlessly in the process. I decided to get myself fit and strong as well, to impress my new love with my physique, so I ran round the yard two hundred times a day. My humans were so puzzled they went out and bought worming tablets. Finally, I rolled in some cow pats so that I would smell really impressive. Then I made my way to Fluffy’s place.

I squeezed through the narrow hole in the fence and saw the little kennel and looked around for Fluffy. What I saw next destroyed me. There she was, my dream dog, my perfect mate, my angelic little fur-ball, and she was being humped - and not just by anybody - by my so-called best friend, Jake. What’s more, her tongue was hanging out. My world collapsed around me; betrayed by my dreamgirl and my best friend at the same time.

Jake had no respect for my feelings.
Jake had no respect for my feelings. | Source

My Downfall


I couldn’t handle it. I went off the rails. I got in with a bad crowd, a street gang. I took to drink. I was living like a mad dog. My new friends were wild, they had no respect for anyone or anything. Janice tried to help me, but I told her to get lost, I didn’t love her any more. I didn’t feel a thing as I saw her little pug face crumple. I started seeing other broads, loose bitches, the kind that would go with anyone.

I took terrible risks. Sometimes I stayed out all night and only went home when I was hungry. My humans were worried; they thought I’d gone crazy. They kept writing to some dog psychiatrist on TV, but they never got a reply.

I hung out with a bad crowd

They loved to party
They loved to party
They  hit the bottle
They hit the bottle
They didn't practise safe sex
They didn't practise safe sex | Source

For a while I dated a poledancer, Snowy, she was a stray, she needed the money. I realized that everyone has a story, everyone has a point of view. I left Snowy and led a wild, promiscuous life.

Snowy - she needed the money
Snowy - she needed the money | Source

Worst of all, my new friends were immoral. They introduced me to Internet porn. I became addicted. They would spend all the time they could in front of the computer, panting in front of the screen, and soon I was doing the same. I was sinking as low as any dog could sink.

My friends were addicted to porn
My friends were addicted to porn | Source

The Turning Point

There were two things that brought me to my senses. The first was finding Jake snoring on the sofa at my house, drunk as a skunk. Fluffy had thrown him over for a Shih-Tzu. He couldn't take the humiliation. He told me he was sorry he double-crossed me - I was his best friend; the dame wasn't worth it. Seeing him made me realize what I was doing to myself. It made me realize what type of fickle bitch Fluffy really was. I found myself thinking of Janice - kind, sweet, loyal, sensible Janice. If you didn't look at her face, she was pretty attractive. And what dog needs to look at a face?

Fluffy had dumped Jake for a Shih-Tzu
Fluffy had dumped Jake for a Shih-Tzu | Source

Finding Janice

I went straight round to her home to find Janice, to beg her to forgive me and take me back. All I wanted was the life I had before, the life I had with her. If only she could overlook the way I betrayed her and treated her like dirt. If only I could convince her that I'd learnt my lesson.

I went to her house, to the yard where she always used to sniff around for hours, waiting for me. At first, I couldn't see her. Then I heard a snorting sound. I followed it to a stinking patch of weeds at the back of the house, and there I saw a sight that made my blood run cold. Janice, the true love of my life, lay flat out on the ground with her head lolling. At the end of her nose was some Coke. I heard myself whimper. It was guilt: this was all my fault. My Janice was a Coke addict because of my betrayal.

Janice was hooked on Coke.
Janice was hooked on Coke.

Today

Today I'm a sadder and wiser dog. I know now that what I felt for Fluffy was just lust. What I feel for Janice is true love. I've stopped drinking the booze and I've given up the porn. From now on I'm just a regular dog again.

My humans seem pretty relieved that I stopped behaving so weirdly. In fact, they had begun whispering that, if I didn't stop acting so wild, they would have to take me to the V-E-T for you-know-what. I don't know what you-know-what is, but I suspect it wouldn't have been good. Janice is trying to forgive me and she's off the Coke. We may have a future.

I hoped to sell my story for thousands to the News of the World but sadly this went out of business. I'm stuck with something called Hub Pages - so I won't get the mazoolah for the luxury kennel for me and Janice to start a family. I'm telling my story anyway, because I want to warn all those cocky young pups not to throw away the filet mignon for the bone-meal. Things aren't always what they seem.

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    • KevinC9998 profile image

      KevinC9998 4 years ago

      Mazzy: I really do not know what to say- really, except Voted Up and Awesome... Kevin

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, Kevin. You clearly have a heart for a tragic tale.

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Mazzy,

      This was an awesome hub, I love the angle you used for this story Mazzy.

    • DS Duby profile image

      DS Duby 4 years ago from United States, Illinois

      lol well that was definitely different and very enjoyable. Glad I came across this story while hubhopping it was a fun read voted up, awesome and funny.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks Josh and DS Duby. I enjoyed writing it, but I must admit I had to correct some of Arthur's grammar - and he swears too much.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Haha! Oh this was brilliant! and those photos! how on earth did you find them? the story was spot on, and its the funniest I have read all day, so good! voted up and shared of course, because everybody should read it! lol!

    • daskittlez69 profile image

      daskittlez69 4 years ago from midwest

      That was a interesting and funny hub. i loved the pictures. here is your up!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      This is priceless........incredibly humorous....and even had a moral to the story!! Your creativity and imaginations was cranked up all the way when you wrote this adorable hub!! The photos are perfect. UP++

    • howlermunkey profile image

      Jeff Boettner 4 years ago from Tampa, FL

      awesomely funny. The pics were hilarious. That was fun to read after a LONG day at work, thanks for sharing! Voted up and sharing

    • Attikos profile image

      Attikos 4 years ago from East Cackalacky

      Laughing, and UP.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, Nell, daskittlez69, fpherj48, howlermunkey and Attikos! I'm amazed at seeing four great comments all at once and thanks for sharing and voting it up! Great!

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Sorry, I meant FIVE great comments! Now I can't count :)

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 4 years ago from Kolkata, India

      Mazzy, I straightaway clicked 'Awesome' and will be sharing Arthur's story. I hope he never looses his head over any Fluffy in future. Had you not shared the picture, the tragedy may not have been so graphically obvious to me. Give my love to Arthur. Tell him I am a different breed, Indian. :D

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, sen.such23. I think Arthur has learnt his lesson - the grass didn't smell better on the other side. He is touched by your appreciation of what he went through. Namaste.

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 4 years ago from Kolkata, India

      :D :D...Love Arthur and his human friend...

    • jcales profile image

      jcales 4 years ago

      very nice stuff. I still have questions about the tiger as it reminds me a little of a photo from the Hangover.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Ooch! I hope it isn't from the Hangover, jcales, or maybe I could be sued for breach of copyright. I'll have to watch the entire movie again to make sure! Thanks for commenting.

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 4 years ago from Florida

      I'm so glad I found your Hub. As a devoted dog lover I enjoy reading about dogs, and this one is priceless!!! I've written Hubs about my Miniature Schnauzer, too.

      I love the photos you used! I voted this UP, etc.etc. Thanks for the laugh today.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, Mary. I will definitely read your hubs about your Schnauzer. I love most things with four legs, but dogs especially.

    • GoForTheJuggler profile image

      Joshua Patrick 4 years ago from Texas

      Much like Snowy... we all, at one point, did it for the money. =P

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Well, I never actually did pole dancing, GoForTheJuggler (they wouldn't hire me) - but I did try writing for Textbroker:) Thanks for commenting.

    • profile image

      floydconsutlancy 4 years ago

      LOL!!! Nice stuff Mazzy.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, floydconsultancy!

    • Horatio Plot profile image

      Horatio Plot 4 years ago from Bedfordshire, England.

      Ah, things get too serious around here sometimes, so it's good to find something that made me laugh. And laugh out loud at that!

      Voted up and shared.

      Woof! Woof!

      Horatio

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, Horatio. Woof to you, too!

    • Green Lotus profile image

      Hillary 4 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      Well this one has to be shared with my animal crazy family. Thanks for a brilliantly funny, but sobering story. Cheers!

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, Green Lotus. Glad you enjoyed it!

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 4 years ago from Spain

      Hi Mazzy. I just saw a really good comment from you on another hub, saw you were from the UK, and you have the same name as a girl I worked with years ago ( well the Mazzy bit anyway) I am so glad i checked you out, because this is one of the best and funniest hubs I have seen in age´s. What fantastically great pics and captions too. Great read, good laugh. Voted right up and sharing. Got to follow you now too.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks for that bac2basics. I'm glad you liked the story, but I must admit my name isn't really Mazzy. I didn't take any of the photos myself but having found them, I couldn't resist writing a story around them. The captions are mine, though :)

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      What a funny tail...oops!, I mean tale. Great read, and whoever would have expected...a moral to the story as well. Haha! Up votes and sharing. Others can probably use a laugh today.

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks, Peggy. Arthur says he's happy you liked his story.

    • sgbrown profile image

      Sheila Brown 4 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

      This is such a great story! I have laughed until my cheeks hurt! I love your choice of photos. This is so funny. Voted up and more! :)

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thank you, sgbrown. Arthur will be getting bigheaded :)

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 4 years ago from Chicago

      This is absolutely hilarious! You are a truly gifted writer. I could not have enjoyed this story more than I did. Bravo!!

    • Mazzy Bolero profile image
      Author

      Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

      Thanks for your kind comment, James! I have been off-line for a while so it was nice to find it on my return.

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