My Impression Of Jeff Foxworthy

for starting the famous, most-quoted, "you might be a redneck, if . . .," comedy routines. Probably 'the' funniest series of sayings ever to come off the lips of any comedian. Anywhere.

Did you also know that, and I feel like sharing a moment with you, I do a 'whale of an impression of Foxworthy? True. And I mean to read this piece, and then read the same piece, word-for-word by Jeff Foxworthy, you couldn't tell the difference. No, I am totally-serious. I have held-out on you for some time, and well, today I felt an urge to just come clean and let the 'chips fall where they may.'

TO THE LADIES OF OUR READERSHIP: Are you currently dating a guy and for some annoying reason, he has either trust issues, or he just don't believe that you are in love with him? Those types of guy can be a 'pain in the neck,' and I am thankful that when I was dating pretty girls, I was too carried-away with their company to ask such stupid questions.

TO THE GUYS OF OUR READERSHIP: Are you one of the guys mentioned in the above paragraph? Do you drive your 'honey,' nuts asking her everyday, "are you in love with me?" and even on dates, in front of everyone, "do you still love me?" comes out of your mouth? Let me ask you this, "are you completely nuts?" This is a sure-fire way to lose the girl of your dreams. Or the girl of my dreams. Stop it. If you can. Girls cannot stand a man who is insecure. Timid. And overly-shy.

So, with my impression of Jeff Foxworthy, I am going to present, just for you, guys, who mentally suffer about "if" your girl is still in love with you, a piece I like to call . . .

Eight Ways To Know If She Is Just Not That In Love With You Anymore

and guys, please pay heed to these dynamite, hard-hitting, socially-significant, statements that can mean your happiness or being alone. Again.

#1. If she eats more than you do, all of the time. Round the clock. On dates. Back at your apartment. She is never satisfied, well, pal, she may not be that in love with you anymore.

#2. (TO YOU, GUYS): If you value your looks more than you value your relationship with her, then YOU are headed to "Lonesome Town," on the next train out.

#3. If your girlfriend loves to have a 'girls' night out,' more than being with you, then she may not be that in love with you anymore.

#4. If she's constantly checking her make up, talking about make up, showing you her make up, and trying to get you to try her new make up at the cosmetics counter at JC Penney's, then friend, she is not that in love with you. And if she insists on changing her name from Susie, to Maybelline, you definitely have a lonely heart in your near future. Yours.

#5. If YOUR Hair, guys, means more to you than speaking soft, tender things to her, then don't blame her for walking. Away from you. Forever.

#6. If your hot girlfriend loves to read--all of the time, at home, in your apartment, on dates, in restaurants, while you are talking to her, then I must say, she is not that in love with you anymore.

#7. Does your sweetie yawn most of the time? Even when she's out on the town with you? And it's not a sleep-related problem? Could be, Jack, that she is bored out of her mind . . .with YOU. And not that in love with you that much. EXAMPLE: You are about to 'pop the big question,' to her. You get on your knees in front of everyone in a plush New York Art Museum, even with a $45,000.00 ring in hand, and you start your proposal and suddenly, her mouth flies open and then again with the yawns. Friend, take the ring back to Zale's and kiss your future with "sleeping beauty," goodbye.

#8. If she loves to get drunk. Ripped. Wasted. Alone. With you. Or anyone else. And even insists on you loving to drink as much as she does, do me a favor, DO NOT LET HER DRIVE HOME. ANYWHERE. JUST DON'T LET HER DRIVE. And look for another girlfriend. This cutie loves booze more than you's.

Guys, did you get all of that? Think you can absorb these eight 'monster' signs that your girl is not that in love with you anymore? Great. I wish all of you my very best in the "love arena," and I'd love for you now, to put your hands together, and give it up for Mr. Jeff Foxworthy, who would get a kick out of this story, but I am not going to just "give" it to him.

No, sir. I will negotiate a huge deal with him and his comedian buddies and after the deal is closed, all of you who follow my adventures and I will board a 767 in Atlanta, Georgia, and not with Jeff Foxworthy, I might add, and fly to beautiful Palm Springs for three weeks of relaxation, great food, and getting to hear ME, doing my in-person, stand-up impression of Foxworthy all for FREE.

Sound good?