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My Pre-Season Thoughts on Jake the Bachelor

Updated on January 4, 2010

Didja Know He's a Pilot?

We all remember Jake as the above-average looking pilot who swooned and cried over Jillian on the last season of The Bachelorette.  The "tears on the balcony" scene was the most dramatic thing to happen on a second floor of a building since Romeo and Juliet.  Some may also remember how he kicked right into campaign mode once eliminated by the fair Jillian--dude wanted to be the next bachelor and his dreams came true.  Makes me wonder if he wished upon a star from an upper-deck balcony somewhere, since that's where he performs his greatest work.

Anywho, my initial reaction to this particular bachelor selection was to shout, "SNOOOOOOOOZE!" as loud as humanly possible.  My hopes for an entire season of Reid being quirky and awkward were dashed by this blonde hair, blue-eyed imposter!  Don't get me wrong, Jake's a good lookin' chap, and I'm sure we'll be inundated by plenty of images of him topless--of this, I do not complain.  However, the guy is the biggest goofnugget ever invented.  He seems nice enough, but he's way too vanilla to be at all interesting.  Not to say any of the bachelors have ever been that exciting (Brad was smokin' hot, but he wasn't exactly known for his deep conversations), but give me some personality here!

The good news about Jake being kind of a dud is that the producers probably picked the most ridiculous women (to have escaped the mental institution) to spice up the season.  That's my hope, anyway.  My suspicions have been slightly confirmed by the story alleging that one of the girls was hooking up with someone on the production staff during filming.  Hey, lock up 25 man-hungry ladiez in a house with only one excessively bland suitor and something is bound to go awry.  This is an interesting ratings strategy (staged or not) to garner interest in an aging series.  Everyone involved in reality TV signs all sorts of confidentiality agreements with consequence clauses involving removal of vital organs (or something equivalent, like a fine that no one who is on a reality TV show could ever dream to afford), so ABC releasing the information themselves was the only way to get people buzzing.  That's show biz, folks.

Why release information that makes it seem like your production company can't keep control over their employees?  Because there is no way that Boring Ol' Jakey crying every week is ever going to top the Sensitive-Single-Father-Turns-Into-Two-Timing-Snake fiasco of the previous season.  Thanks, Jason.  Besides, Chris Harrison needs a superlative to overuse this season.  Brad was the "Sexiest Bachelor Ever" and Jason's season had the "Most Dramatic After the  Rose Ceremony Ever."  I can't imagine Chris calling this the "Most Scandalous Season Ever" but it is a guarantee that the episode where the philandering bachelorette is revealed will be the "Most Shocking Ever."  Sigh, I'm already over this scandal.

So just in case I'm wrong about the producers planting some animatedly desperate women who are willing to lie, stab, or cheat their way into the heart of the bachelor (of whom they have no interest), I came up with a drinking game to get me through this season.  The rules are below, feel free to play along--if you're 21 and have no intentions of driving anywhere after watching the show.

The Drinking Game

Take 1 sip of the drink of your choice when any of the following occurs:

-Someone says the word "connection"

-A dismissed bachelorette cries (Take a bonus sip for those who use the words "fairy tale" in their exit interview)

-Jake says "this is one of the hardest decisions of my life"

-Jake is topless

-Rollicking hot tub scenes

-Chris Harrison uses a superlative to describe the season or an episode like "The Most Dramatic" etc.

-Take 3 sips for every time Jake cries


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