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My Retirement Plans

Updated on January 23, 2016

All this talk about the demise of Social Security has made me think. I started to think about retirement plans and what I am going to do. I have no 401k, no rich husband, no poor husband, no stash of cash and nothing but my wits and good looks...something that along with $4.50 will buy me a latte at Starbucks.


So, what to do, what to do. I thought about some of my options and came up with three: Homelessness, Prison and a bamboo hut in Belize living off of Hub-pages. You think I'm kidding? Well, here are the proverbial pros and cons.

Plan A

I thought about traveling the world and seeing all the places I've never seen, sleeping in the great outdoors, being accountable to no one and having more freedom than a person could shake a stick at. Sounds like a dream...this is the homeless option! There are definitely benefits to homelessness. There is no one to tell you when to get up, when to go to bed or what to do, you are free as a bird. The only problem with homelessness is that you are also free to starve or freeze to death. So I'm not too sure that this would be an ideal retirement plan. But, then nothing is perfect so let's look at my second alternative.

Plan B

My second plan is Federal Prison. I know, I know you might say how awful and it is but let's look at the facts here; free medical care, free room and board, lots of companionship and you can even get a law degree. Now I thought I would look into federal prison because I've always heard of the term Club Fed for all the politicians who got sent up the river so to speak. I hear those prisons are pretty swanky so I thought if I am going to make this a retirement option I would definitely seek out the more accommodating surroundings. I also figured you really wouldn't have to do something too terribly bad to get put in a Federal Prison..something like holding up a Post Office or some other federal building...that should do it and if I happened to enjoy my surroundings should I come up for parole I would just tell them I would do it again. I think of everything! In any case this is definitely an option..who knows maybe I could try the free wheeling homeless retirement plan and then when I get tired of that go to plan B..Club Fed.

Plan C

OK, my last but not least option otherwise known as Plan C is retiring on some tropical island in some bamboo hut while wiling away the hours writing hubs. I think this is a pretty good plan but there is only one problem....I'm not sure if those islands have internet access, and if they didn't it would throw a wrench into everything! The couple of bucks I make from Hub-pages would pay for my incidentals and I could enjoy the sand and surf with the best of them.


Whatever your retirement plans are I hope they do not include Social Security as we all know that probably won't be an option. You say you are depending on your 401k's? Well, last I heard the government was going to start dipping into that pot, yeah your pot, too. I think you'd better start making your plans like I have, and feel secure in knowing that security is an illusion anyway. All these plans we make and we might just get hit by bus tomorrow while crossing the street!


Start saving for your retirement, write for Hubpages!

**If you would like to earn money writing for hub-pages click here:http://hubpages.com/_earnmoneywriting

Do you have enough money to retire on?

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    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 2 years ago from Manhattan

      Thanks "Availiasvision", at least if I move I'll have lots of things to write about eh!

    • Availiasvision profile image

      Jennifer Arnett 2 years ago from California

      I love the humorous, yet realistic bent you take. I think that moving out of the country is the best option. The Hub writing hut in Belize sounds awesome! From reading your hubs on out grid living, that's probably your best bet. Maybe a solar powered tiny house???? There are plenty of ways to live for under $1000 a month, if you play your cards right. I know I need to get out of expensive Bay Area, California. Rent is eating up half of my paycheck. Good luck with your retirement plans. It's never too early to start!

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 2 years ago from Manhattan

      Thanks, you are an inspiration "Blond Logic", how do you like living in Brazil?

    • Blond Logic profile image

      Mary Wickison 2 years ago from Brazil

      I opted for C. Okay my house isn't made out of bamboo it is brick but other than than, it is spot on. I moved to Brazil.

      I raised tilapia and am now planting coconut trees as a retirement plan.

      Just a note about the first image. I don't know why artists do that. No sane person would tie a hammock to a coconut tree. They are like getting hit on the head with a bowling ball.

      This is funny stuff and it would make a great film.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 2 years ago from Manhattan

      The other problem is finding a job if you cannot retire..my 3 ideas might just become a reality in the very near future!

    • ologsinquito profile image

      ologsinquito 2 years ago from USA

      A lot of us are going to have trouble retiring. I don't see how it will ever be possible.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 4 years ago from Manhattan

      LOL, you and I think alike "Doodlehead" :)

    • Doodlehead profile image

      Doodlehead 4 years ago from Northern California

      Federal prison sounds good; I haven't had a TV my whole adult life.....be nice to catch up with what everyone else knows about in that department.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      Me too.

    • BlissfulWriter profile image

      BlissfulWriter 6 years ago

      Although I have never been homeless, I don't believe it would be that much fun. I researched and have written about it.

      My choice would be to live of Hubpages revenue. But in order to do that I have to have enough articles in place by retirement time. I have to start writing now and continue till retirement until I can build up enough Hubs.

      In addition, Hubpages must still be around by the time I retire.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      Thanks, good luck to you.

    • Rastamermaid profile image

      Rastamermaid 6 years ago from Universe

      Great hub!

      I'm looking for an nice place to retire.

      Right now Jamaica is leading,with Panama running a close second.

      Heading to Nevis to check out what they have to offer.

      Nice hub!

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      Yes, and they speak English down there too. Too bad about the 3rd world bit.

    • zippot profile image

      zippot 6 years ago

      I looked in to belize idea with there cheap land and no codes building policy but when i visited it was a little more third world than i liked, i cant believe how our thinking is similar .great minds haha

    • profile image

      Elephant Man 6 years ago

      The federal prison option may work out if you're a woman. But if you're a man, you'll be too busy lubing up to work on that law degree. Horrible advice.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      Good to know, thanks for writing!

    • profile image

      Nizamuddin 6 years ago

      I have lived in Barbados for many years and yes, many of these islands have internet access ; ) Nice hub, Brie...

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      Good luck with that attemptedhumour!

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      I'm just going to keep on working with my coffin on the roof rack. Then i won't need a retirement plan. Plan C on Manhattan Island might work. Cheers from Oz

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      They all have their benefits and detriments.

    • Chuck RitenouR profile image

      Chuck RitenouR 6 years ago from Front Royal, Virginia

      I'm definitely leaning towards the prison plan.....lol.

      Seriously though, I see no retirement option available to those of us at 50+.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan

      Thanks debbiesdailyviews.

    • debbiesdailyviews profile image

      debbiesdailyviews 6 years ago

      That was a brilliant view of retirement,

      It makes ya think.

      Very funny, and usefull,

      Keep writing, as I am going to enjoy reading your views

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Thanks retirementvillage!

    • retirementvillage profile image

      retirementvillage 7 years ago from Philippines

      Brie, this is a funny hub, but it's a good plan for your retirement...you should go for it!

    • Haris Amin profile image

      Haris Amin 7 years ago from Mars

      Hey i have a retirement plan a great one, the best to be more precise but its not for me its for Billy.

      Yup Billy aka " Bill Gates" Time to retire buddy. Ill take good care of your business more profits and less windows crashes. All you have to do is sign here and here and there and its all mine bye bye sweet retiring.

      Say Hello to new Microsoft President. Me!

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      LOL..That's what I like a man with ideas!

    • profile image

      ZEEMADMAN 7 years ago

      Now as to the "Robbery" you don't really want to hurt anyone, and risk getting the Golden Needle. So, how to do that. Simple. Buy some duct tape (duck, quack, quack) and a bunch of road fussee's, and some wires, clock face timers, batteries, etc. All for the look of a bomb. Tape it all together into a vest, then just put it on, with a cape, rain coat, overcoat, etc. over it. When you get to the teller hand them your note, asking them to clean out all the drawers, or see the Bank Manager to hit the Main Vault. Your choice. Then just show them the "bomb!" Trust me, they won't start examining it. Or say gee, that looks just like bunch of road fussee's. They may soil themselves, but they won't want proof that your bomb really works, or not! You probably should dump it as soon as you leave the bank, so just take it off, and ditch it in or by a trash can. That way some rookie cop won't freak out, and shoot you by mistake. Plus, the bomb makes it an "aggravated crime," i.e. use of weapon in the robbery. The fact that it's fake does'nt matter, since the people in the Bank had no way of knowing that. Same as an unloaded gun. How were they supposed to know that. That's probably why it's better to just see the Bank Manager, so he, or she is the only one who can testify about how frightened they were, still have nightmares, need psychotheraphy, etc. Good luck that's the way you decide to go. I see this as a growth industry, helping people get into Federal Prison, just for the Health Benefits they don't have, or have been cheated out of. I could offer premade "bomb suicide vests", typed robbery notes, directions to all the area Federal Reserve Banks, names of the Employee's on duty, and their schedules, and places to toss their ill gotten gains to the crowds, and wait for the Cops to arrive. Park benches with shade trees. A Limo Service to the Bank of their choice. All at very reasonable rates!

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Great tips Zeemadman...the name is great too. I will keep them in mind! :)

    • profile image

      ZEEMADMAN 7 years ago

      Well, first off, if you're going to go to Prison, make sure it's a Federal Prison. So make sure to do a Federal Crime, so you end up in a Federal Court. Rob a Federal Reserve Bank, then toss the money to the crowd outside the Bank. Make their day with a few thousand dollars. If they ask if there's anything they can ever do for you, say yes, here's my name, and SSN, I'm about to go to Federal Prison. It would be nice if you could send a few dollars to my Commissary Fund now and then, if you can spare it. Second, commit your "crime in Minneapolis, St Paul. That's where the Major Medical Centers are, like the Mayo Clinic. The Feds take their Prisoners there!

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Hey I don't just make up these articles I live them!

    • profile image

      50 year old white guy 7 years ago

      You get to live in Manhattan for FREE?!?!!! Free is even better than cheap. Stay where the living is free. You don't get much better than that. Good for you.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      I have a situation here that enables me to live here for free. And I do think about moving but everywhere else seems to be just as bad.

    • profile image

      50 year old white guy 7 years ago

      Serious question: If you are unemployed, why choose to live in one of the most expensive places in the country? Your son is a man now, you are single, and you have the opportunity to start fresh.

      Sometimes, the smart choice is not the one that you want to make.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Easier said than done when unemployed.

    • profile image

      Dr Deth 7 years ago

      Well, start saving for retirement then - you look like you have plenty of time left before hitting retirement age

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      I already live on a very expensive island too on the east coast! Thanks for the compliments...it's so nice to wake up and check the mail and find these there, they are like flowers that someone leaves me every morning.

    • elayne001 profile image

      Elayne 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      You are inspiring - I have three more options I had not thought of. I already live on an island (a very expensive one) and know I could live on the beach - too bad they keep kicking the homeless off the beaches - but they always seem to find another one to move to. I just plan to move in with my kids, but I am pretty sure that will make the in-laws move out. What to do, what to do? Aloha!

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      We could be a regular Thelma and Louise!

    • Enlydia Listener profile image

      Enlydia Listener 7 years ago from trailer in the country

      we could join forces...if we could handle each others crazy new schemes (Smile!)

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      I think God will provide regardless.

    • aguasilver profile image

      John Harper 7 years ago from Malaga, Spain

      One interesting fact about state pension plans is their complete illegality if anyone else tries to do it.

      They take money from new investors, to pay dividends to earlier investors, hence pensions ONLY work for as long as there are consistently MORE new investors to pay for earlier ones.

      In the real world that is called a PONZI scheme, which is of course illegal, but somehow as the government do it, it becomes not only legal, but statutory that you engage in it.

      Go figure!

      It also explains why the government actively encourage fast breeding immigrants to come into the country, because our baby booming generation have now stopped breeding, therefore we are not replacing ourselves, therefore without introducing new immigrants (the average immigrant from undeveloped (or is that uncivilised?)countries will produce five children, we produce 1.6)the whole scheme would collapse in less than 50 years.

      As it is, America could find herself repopulated in the same time frame, with folk who think very differently from the American Dream concept.

      Fun days to live in!

      As for me, well I recognised the Ponzi effect when I left school to start work, so pension plans have never featured in my life very much, besides, last time I read my bible I could not find the bit that told me that God would provide ALL my needs until I was 65 years old, then I would be on my own....seems God does not have any retirement plans except taking us home!

    • profile image

      "Quill" 7 years ago

      Retirement is not going to be an option for many people, we might have to look at being greeters at Walmart and getting paid in tokens for the outdated foods on the shelves.

      Years ago when they first introduced RRSP's to us we all should have listened. I did to a certain degree and will be fine, maybe a little left over to help others but it will be hard without a doubt.

      Great Hub Brie

      Blessings

    • profile image

      foreignpress 7 years ago

      Do I sense a hint of desperation? The trick is to do what others haven't thought of. For example, I'm seriously thinking of robbing a drug cartel. There's also WWII loot stashed in Europe and South America ripe for the taking. Rather than Club Fed, a woman of your everlasting beauty could join a sheik's harem and wrap yourself in fine silks while gorging on plump grapes. These are times of serious uncertainty especially with Satan's henchmen at the helm. That's why God has a plan for you. But you have to tune in.

      P.S., El Barack is talking more and more about the birthing issue. He's trying to make light of it, but I think he's starting to sweat a bit.

    • profile image

      dumpling dude 7 years ago

      Freegans are people from all walks of life that forage through supermarket dumpters for food that is thrown out. Obviously the food is still good at this point but you need to be careful and clean everything thoroughly.

      Youtube has numerous vids on this and there are many right here in nyc also.

      Check it out.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      A freegan...never heard that term before.

    • profile image

      Dumpling Dude 7 years ago

      I thought about buying a camper with satelitte tv and internet and going across the US and Canada. I could become a Freegan eating food supermarkets throw out from dumpsters to sustain .Take odd jobs for gas.

      Its a thought.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Thanks for the invite, you never know!

    • tony0724 profile image

      tony0724 7 years ago from san diego calif

      Brie you can hang out with me in San Diego. I know we both kinda think alike anyway and the weather is pretty warm . However Belize does'nt sound half bad . Perhaps Fiji ?

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Loriamoore: Sounds too much like work work to me.

      JD, you know...you have a point!

      Enlydia, we could join forces!

    • Enlydia Listener profile image

      Enlydia Listener 7 years ago from trailer in the country

      Brie, I can't believe you think so much like me!...one of my plans was to get a gypsy vardo...and sell reflexology tricks for about $5 a head just to get from town to town...maybe do a little other things on the side...Plan B is to travel from one kid to another (when they are grown up enough to handle it ) and have each one support us for a few months. Plan C.. find a campground somewhere (in a warm climate)and live off of Hubpages.

    • Judah's Daughter profile image

      Judah's Daughter 7 years ago from Roseville, CA

      Maybe being hit by a bus doesn't sound so bad!! lol ~~ awesome hub!!

    • profile image

      loriamoore 7 years ago

      I have "semi-retired" as I call it, now working about 40 hours per week instead of 60-80 and working primarily from home and on my own terms. It's like retirement to me.

    • Brie Hoffman profile image
      Author

      Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan

      Aw..the plan of the truly desperate...welcome!

    • joeymaq profile image

      joeymaq 7 years ago from Illinois

      Brie, Great post! really funny! I might try plan B. at least I would stay warm and get 3 meals a day. Thanks, Joseph McDevitt

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