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My Mother Wants To Know Why I'm Not Perez Hilton

Updated on May 9, 2011

P Hilton - Not that one, the PU one!

Don't Get Me Started!

In a tone that verged on the edge of sounding like, "Why can't you be more like your brother and take math seriously?" (This tactic was never used in my home as after all, we're Jews we have better guilt guns than that, please. My parents always accepted that my brother and I were as different as different could be and how could they not? They themselves are the living, breathing version of the Green Acres couple so they know a little something about two different types of people loving and respecting one another..."Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue." You can read all about it on my All About Scott page here... ) But in a conversation yesterday my mother was going through her daily re-cap of the shows she watched, the roster of celebs she liked and didn't like (and even managed pronounced one or two of their names correctly) she asked a question that left me a bit stunned. She always feels like Ponce de Leon, a great explorer supposedly discovering uncharted territories but much like Ponce, she has never quite found anything notable that anyone else didn't all ready know about. You know, like Ponce finding Florida but never finding the Fountain of Youth. Well, she recently "discovered" Ross the Intern from Jay Leno, Celebrity Fit Club and Rosie's blogs and then yesterday saw Perez Hilton on something. And in her own Mama Rose way, she said, "What is it with all these gays getting their own shows? You're so much funnier and talented. I don't understand it. Do you know that Perez Hilton gets something like four million hits a day on his website? Why can't you be Perez Hilton? He's a pig." My mother wants to know why I'm not Perez Hilton - Don't Get Me Started!

As I said in a previous blog, to me, Perez Hilton is the Gay Anime Barney Rubble. He's one big Neanderthal looking block of cheese with blue hair that has his sidekick glued to his fingers no doubt sending out very important text messages trying to "out" the Indian boy who Bobby Brady brought the baked beans to in a flashlight in the Grand Canyon Brady Bunch episode. (Kids if you're my age, Bobby and the Indian boy were the original Brokeback Canyon boys!) That's right, Perez prides himself on having no pride outing celebrities and drawing doodles on their pictures. I must admit that I've never been to his site (and don't expect to any time soon) but this is the word on the street about what he does and his dare we call it, "his claim to fame?" The problem with this is that he is not the Rona Barrett or Hedda HopperĀ of the day, he's just a loud mouthed (getting larger every day) bitchy queen trying to bring the celebs down to his size (which from the looks of it is about 475 pounds at the moment).

In a very sad moment for gays everywhere (and the women who love them), Kathy Griffin put this rectangle with Colorforms hair on her show. How could she do that to us gays? That's right, in order to get some paparazzi time or "paps" (as Kathy learned to say in London) she made a public appearance with Perez and all his fattitude. And yes, Perez was able to get some photographers to take their picture when they left the restaurant so "mission accomplished" I guess but come on Kathy, let me say what your own mother would say to you, "You're better than that now aren't you?" Don't make us gays turn on you now.

Not to get too Oliver Stone conspiracy theory on you but I find it very interesting that the gays that are "making it" as of late are only the ones that fit the stereotypical image of gays from a 1955 Confidential Magazine article. That's right, unless you're a lisping, swishing and wrist dangling queen, no press time for you. Could it be that we gays are becoming more accepted in the many different varieties we come in or allow me to go all Agatha Christie on you for a moment and theorize that the straight executives (who talk frequently with Jesus) are (as my mother would say) planning their work and working their plan? You see, if they can make us gays look really repulsive (even to us gays) then everyone might soon start saying, "Hmmm...well, the gays weren't bad when they were tweezing the eyebrows on that cute little makeover show on cable or that Will and Grace show where we never had to think about them having sex but these gays are going too damn far now, Mildred. They are loud, obnoxious and they don't even dress nicely anymore. No, I don't want to see gays on television or anywhere else for that matter if this is the way they behave. They should not be seen or heard." The thing is that some of us "normal" gays don't want to see or hear it either.

Whether it's a 23 year old manager from The Gap giving advice (and constantly playing with his bad haircut) online, Perez Hilton thinking he's swishing his cell phone mightier than his sword, these people really don't represent many of the gays I know, have written into my site or I've talked with recently. So why are they all over and practically they only gay images we see? And why are even gay execs (are you listening Bravo?) catering to these queens turned court jesters?

I saw a woman outside a church in LA being interviewed about the record setting settlement against the archdiocese there for the over 100 people who came forward about being abused by clergy. Her statement was something like, "I think a lot of these allegations are not true. And for those that are...well...I would tell them that they need to forgive." She disgusted me. (Although I think I could forgive too for a million - cut me in) Could it be that whenever things start going not so well for church and straight that they look for a diversionary tactic to parade us gays out? Stop and think about it for a moment. Mad at the President over the war? Let's bring out the fact that a senator was texting young boys. (Even though it was going on for years, notice when it came out in the press)'s The Gays, not the President you should mad at...see those bad gays and how they recruit? And in some cases they get rid of two groups at once like with the whole media attention around the Isaiah Washington scandal where they took out gays and blacks with one stone. Oh my God, I AM turning into Oliver Stone.

The thing is that I wouldn't mind if this Perez person was harmless but who is he to decide when someone should come out and why should he (like the paparazzi) be getting so much money to be so evil? Well, I don't have the answers, just the questions on this one but I have to say that I won't be clicking on his site and I'll be turning the channel when Perez gets his own show this fall and eventually gets wheeled into the Celebrity Fit Club no doubt. I don't know if I have sufficiently answered the question or not but for the hair and size alone, I will never be Perez Hilton - thank you, Jesus. My mother wants to know why I'm not Perez Hilton - Don't Get Me Started!


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    • leiaswift profile image

      leiaswift 10 years ago

      nice haircut

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      It would be me...I need to be getting more screen time! And thank your lucky stars you've never heard of Perez Hilton!

    • Isabella Snow profile image

      Isabella Snow 10 years ago

      So who are the gay guys who are more civil and should be getting more screen time? I've never heard of Perez Hilton, btw!!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Guilty as charged I'm afraid...though some people may not see me that way. Thank you,

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      It's weird that the most obnoxious gay guys seem to be getting all the publicity. Perez & William Sledd (the youtube guy) are so incredibly bitchy and mean-spirited. Maybe you're just not big enough of an a**hole? :-)