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Updated on April 14, 2010



Henry Youngman, American Comedian (1906- 1998)

• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

• A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

• A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

• A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

• How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2."

• I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

• I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

• I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back. 

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

• I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon. 

• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

• If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

• If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

• Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

• My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

• My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.


• My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

• She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

• She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

• Take my wife... Please!

• That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

• There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

• This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

• This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

• This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

• Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

• When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

• When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

• While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

• Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

• Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

• Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

• You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

• You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.


-- NEVER OLD: Henny Youngman



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      Hubertsvoice 6 years ago

      Your title says Henry Youngman His name was Henny