NO, I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID CLUB REWARDS CARD
So I write. A lot. And I’m a goal planner type, so I make little tracking charts and use calendars to map out plans, all sorts of things. This means I buy stuff at office supply stores a lot. Usually Staples, since that one is closest to me. Staples asks me every time I go if I have their club card.
“Do you have a Staples Rewards Card?”
“You guys ask me that every time.”
“Do you have one?”
“Nope. I still don’t have one.”
“Would you like one?”
“Nope. I still don’t want one.”
“You can save 10%.”
“No, that’s fine, just screw me because I don’t feel like giving you all my personal information. Just let me have it because I don’t want to carry another goddamn card in my money clip, which is already jammed full of credit cards and ATM cards and health insurance cards and all the accoutrements of this so-called free world we live in. I want to pay full price.”
“All right, sir. That will be …” full price.
I swear, American retail is a joke. It’s become a cankerous, disfigured bloat of what it once was, and the goddamn club cards are the big white zit on the tip of its ugly nose. Why is it that I must give every F-ing store chain my name, address, email and phone number? What’s next, nude pictures of my wife? The weight of my last bowel movement in cubic milligrams? And for what, so they can send me more marketing?
Why do they need to send me more marketing? I AM RIGHT THERE IN THE GODDAMN STORE. I already AM a customer for crying out loud. I mean, they haven’t even finished selling me the crap I’m buying right now and they want to lock me in for future marketing already.
Am I the only one who see’s the problem here?
I stopped shopping at Safeway and Albertsons for that exact reason. I actually shop at Bel Air and pay more. I don’t care. I don’t think I should be penalized for not giving those other stores my address and email and that other stuff just because they want me to. I’m the frickin’ CUSTOMER for Pete's sake. Think about it. They say, “Hey, if you become a club card member, you save big. We’re doing you a favor.”
I say, “Hey, if you are charging some customers more than others, you are a douche company.”
Look, I get volume discounts, but that's not what this trend has become. And, as usual, there is no public outrage around this. American consumers continue to bend over and say, “Yeah, give it to me, man. I need mah stuff more than I need mah dignity, so have at it Safeway. Have at it Albertsons. Have at it Staples, Kohls, Borders, Ulta, Petsmart and all the rest. Just DO me.”
And they all do it. They all have club cards and rewards cards and club rewards and rewards clubs. All of them. How many of these F-ing cards am I supposed to walk around with? I shop at a lot of places. Or at least I used to. Now I just hate it so much I don't buy anything I don't need in some really desperate way.
And you people do realize that fat, bald corporate guys with big cigars and tumblers of gin are standing around in posh high rise offices looking out floor to ceiling windows laughing at your performing-seal ass as you line up and pay, right?
And even as I write this, I know nobody is going to do anything about it. You’re going to keep all your cards, or at least keep giving them your phone number every time you shop so they can look you up and give you your discount, your little doggie treat, your mackerel (while they track your purchases and learn everything they can about you).
Did you know, if you are a chick, that the grocery store you shop at actually knows exactly when you have your period?
They know if you’re vegan, if you're young, old, gay, have crabs, have babies or wet yourself. You tell them everything every time you shop. Snoops used to have to go through your garbage to learn that kind of stuff about you. People used to be furious at the very thought. Now we volunteer that stuff, even proudly flash a card to them. “Heeeers mah card. Whacher wanna know?”
Maybe you don’t care. Maybe I shouldn’t. But you know what, I’m paying extra for not playing along, and if you do, you’re making it easy for them.
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