Nancy Grace Shows Concern for Non-White Victim; Viewers Outraged
Confusion overtook the nation Wednesday when blonde, bullhorned-mouth HLN talk show host Nancy Grace brought national attention to a missing black girl.
The African American young woman was on air for almost forty seconds, until a "technical difficulty" graphic appeared.
The show was flooded with emails, posts, and calls questioning if what they saw was real. The image was of recent college graduate Heidi Douglas. Her microbus had been reported missing three days earlier, and her name was turned over to the local police. Somehow, her white-sounding name slipped by the censors working for HLN and Nancy Grace.
Douglas' story was being read until the image appeared on the screen, at which point viewers saw Grace shoot what's described as a dirty look at her producers. She then sat silently until the image was taken down.
Fans Very Confused
Grace, a former prosecutor and professional blowhard, has made a career of non-stop focus on the disappearance of blonde-haired, blued eyed, young white girls, but never anyone of color.
"Well, I just couldn't believe it," said longtime HLN viewer Brian Hagen. "I was certain that my idiot wife had changed the color settings on my TV, but that wasn't the case! Nancy was definitely talking about a missing black girl. At first I thought, "Well, maybe this girl is Hispanic and Nancy thought it was just a rich, white blonde girl with a tanning obsession--but now it's clear this girl was black!"
The Internet blew up with comments of confusion after the image aired. Thousands of tweets and posts questioned what they just observed. "I was shocked!" said stay-at-home mom, and avid HLN viewer Mandy Parsons. "In all my living years of watching my idol Nancy, never did I think something like this could happen. First Justin Bieber gets arrested, and now this; what’s left in this world to believe in?" Parsons asked, bursting into tears.
HLN immediately issued a statement, apologizing for the incident: "HLN wishes to apologize for this edition of the 'Nancy Grace' show. While we stand by the decisions of our host, we are aware of the affects this broadcast had on the viewing public. Ms.Grace is currently undergoing exhaustion treatment at a rehabilitation clinic, with experts citing that ailment as the reason behind the lapse in judgment."
Nancy Grace Jokes Ruined
Media insiders say the impact will be short-term for Grace, who is expected to return by mid-Spring, focusing several special editions of her nightly program on the plight of the put-upon white, blonde woman in America.
The trend of comparing Ms. Grace to anything someone loves might now be in jeopardy. Saying things like, “I love this sandwich as much as Nancy Grace loves a missing white girl” or “I’m going to be all over this buffet like Nancy Grace is all over a missing white girl on spring break” might not work anymore. This event has seriously damaged the credibility of such jokes.
Alert: Missing White Girl
Missing Woman Speaks
With ten minutes of research, this reporter was able to locate Heidi Douglas through her Pinterest account. She said, “I don’t understand what the big deal was. My van I live in busted down and I got a ride to a nearby food commune. It’s pretty bad here, and I don’t think a lot of these people know what deodorant is. I’ve looked around the compound for days and still havn’t found a damn shower yet. When I asked them about it, they just pointed to a cold-ass creek. And don’t let me even get started about the bathrooms if you can even call them that. They actually collect and recycle their poop from the outhouses and use it as fertilizer; do you have any idea how nasty that is? It is so third-world out here.”
When I asked her to focus and tell me what she thought about the incident, she stated, “I guess my name sounded white and it confused everyone. Plus I drive a white hippy vehicle, so I guess they just assumed. I was just as shocked as everyone else that Nancy Grace was talking about my story on TV. I mean look at me, clearly I’m black. I never thought I would live long enough to see Nancy covering a sista, so damn sad. This used to be a good country where the racist media knew its place.”
Heidi Douglas went on to say, “I have no idea how that happened. I never thought I'd see a day when Nancy Grace would step out of her world view and admit that something exists outside of white America. I guess HLN is calling it a mistake. I suppose that should come as no surprise.”
The Best Missing Girl Video Ever
This Article is Satire
If you have not figured it out yet, this article is satire; Nancy, please don’t sue me.