Oh, The Things "I" Would Do If "I" Were Superman
WHY SHOULDN'T I DREAM
of being Superman? It's natural, helps build a healthy imagination and not illegal. And besides, at least ninety-five percent of males in America, and the world beyond, have at one time or the other, on the job or in class, dreamt of being "The Man of Steel," who came from the planet Krypton and raised by mortals, Jonathan and Martha Kent of Kansas. Thus the last name, "Kent."
Superman's real name on the planet Krypton was Kal-El, but that wouldn't go over at all with his last name of Kent. Who cannot say "Kal-El Kent," without laughing? Hardly anyone, so that explains why his adopted earthly parents, the Kent's named him "Clark Kent."
And although you and I are always going to adore Superman, I admit to you here and now that in my humble opinion as a former comic book addict, that Superman was a tad "too" nice. No law against that, but sometimes us humans get edgy when people such as Clark Kent are around us and they are to extra nice that "we" feel inferior as civilized people.
This is "the" super hero I'd love to be
More Information About "Me" Being Superman
BUT IF "I" WERE ALLOWED TO BE SUPERMAN
talk about changes. There would be changes, suttle and so open and honest that droves of people would stop and applaud my just being myself, and not a fairy tale man of limitless powers.
"My" changes when I would be Superman are as follows . . .
LET'S BEGIN WITH MY LOOKS
No sweat. Literally. Superman never perspired in any of his hair-raising escapades in comic books, radio, television or on the big screen. He was always at his best, cool, collected, and very laid-back as he went about his duties to save earth, defeat evil and make our society a better place to be.
"I" WOULD have a head of hair that would make even Thor, the Thunder God (seen in Marvel Comics) jealous. As I write this, I am painfully-reminded that I am almost bald, and that isn't the look that Superman needs. He needs a suave, sometimes-sultry look that makes the females swoon with adoration, so having hair for me as Superman wouldn't pose a problem.
Neither would my body being in shape. As Superman, I would always be in tip-top athletic shape and not visiting my local gym at any time. What a life. Always in shape, having gorgeous hair and not having to work or dream of either. Now are you beginning to see why "I" have longed to be Superman?
BUT WHAT ABOUT MONEY?
What about it? I would donate my salary as the outspoken columnist, "Ken Kent," at The Daily Planet to the American Cancer Society, and as for needing money, Superman wouldn't need it, but "Ken Kent," would if I were so a mind to take Lois Lane or any hot chick out on a date. There would be sensitive questions asked by these curious females when the check came for our meal and "Ken Kent" would be broke.
How I would earn money, and plenty of it, is so simple that it makes me laugh as I share this with you.
I would go into as many tough, smoky and dangerous bars as I wanted and openly-challenge any man in the place for a brisk arm wrestling match. For small wagers to start with, and I would even allow the "sucker" to win a few to dispell any suspicions of me being from another world with super-human strength.
Then as the greedy challenger grew more greedy, I'd up the ante to hundreds instead of a few puny twenty-dollar bills and "mop up" like John Dillinger as one rough neck after the other stepped-up to face me only to go down in humiliation and defeat as "I," as "Ken Kent," walk out with over $13,000.00 of legally-obtained money.
Then I would visit other rough neck dives and make open challenges that "I" could out-drink any man or woman in the place. Can't you just see this, me chugging beer like it was water and whiskey like it was Kool-Aid? Man, what a great life. And what a side-splitting sight to see the foolish human challengers, truck drivers, construction workers, and a few Marines passed-out on the floor from too much of "me" and my super-alcohol-drinking skills. What makes this part of my money-earning painful is that I bet each "customer" a mere $200.00 a pop to see if they could keep up with me and my pals, Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels and Bud.
WHAT WOULD I DO FOR A HOBBY?
when there were no criminals to catch or major earthquakes to settle? Simple. I'd join the National Football League from an obscure college in Mississippi (Not Ole Miss, Mississippi State, or Southern Miss) and change my name temporarily to "Ken Buck," All-American halfback, quarterback and wide receiver.
Oh, at first, to keep down uncomfortable questions, I'd just take it easy and let my teammates on the Green Bay Packers team do better than me as "Ken Buck." They would respect my humanity and being a team player. But this would last for just so long. Then on one certain December Sunday, with the Packers down 24-10, I'd get quarterback, Aron Rogers, to call running plays designed only for "Ken Buck," and run through the so-called tough Chicago Bears defense as if it were school girls out for some jump rope at recess.
In some game, I'd either set new records, or break old NFL records for rushing, receiving and if Rogers grew tired or got hurt, I would step-in and run the Packers' offense as if I were riding a bicycle. Easy.
I know what you are thinking. People might recognize me, "Ken Kent," but thanks to a few talented plastic surgeons I have in Portugal, I would get them to change my facial features so much that my secret identity as Superman would be kept on lock-down--as long as I wanted to look like "Ken Buck," All-American, and now an NFL star whose name in a short time has overshadowed the likes of Y.A. Tittle, Red Grange, Dick Butkus and Gale Sayers. (now don't get upset. Remember, this is just a fantasy).
AND WHEN I FELT LIKE BEING "EVIL"
I'd smoke, drink and gorge myself on doughnuts, pastries and pasta all I wanted. And not be in such a hurry to fly off to Russia to settle some touchy situation about nuclear arms. Hey, haven't "I" bought myself some "me time" with all of the crime I have stopped? And speaking of crime. Just for fun, I'd disguise myself again as a master criminal, "Ken Sharkk," jewel thief, cat burglar, and foreign-arms dealer and allow the police to lock me up with some common thugs just so I could amaze them with my abilities to break-out of any jail.
You see, as Superman, "I" could and would do pretty much what "I" desired. The "real" Superman was like I said, "too" nice and as for having fun, I cannot understand why Superman had this Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole so he could just fly up there to do what? Be alone? Alone. Have you ever heard of such a waste? A man endowed with all types of super-powers and just wants to be alone when things get too serious.
All I can say to the DC Comics writers who gave Superman this character trait, hog wash!
OTHER BORDER-LINE "EVIL" THINGS "I" WOULD DO AS SUPERMAN
- Extorting drug dealers and book makers out of millions of dollars and secretly give these loads of cash to local orphanages, homeless missions, and hospitals that were in dire need of funding.
- Break-up roving gangs in the most-dangerous areas of Chicago, Boston, New York, Brooklyn, Los Angeles and Japan by disguising myself as a "panty waist," and simply standing in a dark alley and approach these dangerous gangs and say, "hi, my name is "Ken Sweet," I am from out town and I need directions to the nearest Red Cross office so I can give them this $40,000 cash." As the gang attempted to beat the very life out of me, I'd enjoy spin-kicking and karate-chopping these criminals down to the sidewalk with a note pinned to their torn shirts, "Dear Policemen: a present from Superman."
- Infiltrate the drug arena and with a few changes to the drug pushers labs, all they would really be selling would be pure sugar from Cuba, and dry Kool-Aid. With no drugs to push, no drug dealers. Oh, and I would fly them all to a far away island that only I know about and teach them how to survive without taking innocent lives.
OH, SURE AS SUPERMAN, I WOULD
Clean-up the war-torn areas of Bosnia, Afghanistan and Iraq. Bring our troops home and teach the terrorist group, Al qaeda, how good it feels to have peace instead of power.
I would help the struggling commercial fishermen by diving to the bottom of the world's oceans and with my super-breath, agitate the ocean's waters into giving-up boat-loads (pardon the pun) of shrimp and crab, with the stipulation, that the huge companies that these commercial fishermen are working for, give a big percentage of the profits to the hungry in Ethiopia and other places where food is scarce. Plus force the big seafood companies to build these poor people good homes all for free.
I would volunteer for service in the Marines as, "Kenn Pyle," the roughest, toughest and stern drill instructor ever to wear the eagle and anchor. Why would I do this? Again, simple. To teach the young, green Marine "boots," how to survive without any guns, knives or food. Just in case they need these skills in the event that another war breaks out somewhere in the world. But with me around, that worry is moot.
OTHER THINGS "I" WOULD DO
- Be a superstar singer on the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville as "Ken Tubb," direct-descendant of Country Music legend, Ernest Tubb. And with hardly any singing talent at all, I would win numerous gold and platinum albums and give my royalties to worthy charities.
- Enter the Olympics, as a neutral athlete, "Ken Swiftt," and excel easily in track and field events. I would allow other athletes from other countries to win too. I am not a greedy Superman. But before I accept my tenth gold medal, I would make a speech about world peace and us getting along that would make the hardest heart of any terrorist melt like hot butter. That's what I would do.
- Be a sensation in Spain as "Kenn Gomez Sanchez," super-talented bull fighter, but with a twist. I would not kill the bull as tradition dictates. I would send the defeated bull to my secret ranch and allow it to roam free and be with other bulls and cows that I have rescued from such events.
WHEN "I" DESIRED FEMALE COMPANY
I would first, call Lois Lane. Take her to the opera and then some dancing. With my super-stamina I could "dance up a storm," but "Ken Kent," does have limits. Lois' romantic urges would be stifled as I have to go home and lay down due to exhaustion, but I would be a gentleman and take Lois home. What a chewing I would take, but at least my secret identity as Superman would be well-kept.
After Lois, I would summon Wonder Woman and well, I cannot tell you here what we would do for weekend after weekend in some unknown island location. That would be a secret that only Wonder Woman and I could share.
But even me as Superman would realize that women love to talk to each other about love and other sexual-related items, and Wonder Woman would be no exception. In no time, I would be getting hit-on by Supergirl, Sue Storm (of Marvel Comics, Fantastic Four), and even the treacherous-but-lovely Catwoman. What a time this old man would have with the ladies. The word "legend" instantly pops to my mind. And all of these ladies would live in want for my attention.
What a life, folks. What a life.
Sorry to leave so abruptly, but if I am going to be Superman, I need to start work on how to rid my life of the deadly green Kryptonite used by my arch enemy, Lex Luthor, to hurt or kill me.
Eureka! I have it. Lex Luthor can be my wing man. Sure. That will work.
I mean, the only reason he has been so evil is that he is lonesome and in-need of some female companionship.
Yeah. Well, here I am on the roof of my house . . .Awwaaaayyyyyyy!"