One Liners from the Master: Henny Youngman
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
Homeless Guys Jokes
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Horse Race Jokes
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
More Henny Youngman One Liners:
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."
Take my wife... please.
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
A Little Bit About the Man
Born: 16 March 1906
Birthplace: Liverpool, England
Died: 24 February 1998 (complications from flu)
Best Known As: The guy who said "Take my wife -- please!"
Henny Youngman was one of the most famous stand-up comedians of post-vaudeville America. Columnist Walter Winchell dubbed him "the king of the one-liners," a tribute to Youngman's rapid-fire style. Youngman got his start as a violinist, and he often carried a violin on stage with him as a prop. Among his most famous lines were "I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother," and "Take my wife -- please!" His 1991 autobiography was titled Take My Life, Please!
Biography of Henny
Although the patented machine-gun patter of comedian Henny Youngman bears unmistakable traces of the Lower East Side, Youngman was actually born in the Jewish ghetto of Liverpool, England. While he was still a toddler, Youngman and his family moved to Brooklyn, where he grew up. Encouraged by his family to study the violin, Youngman entered showbiz as an orchestra musician, eventually leading his own band, a jazz aggregation called the Swanee Syncopators. Always quick with a quip, he eventually decided to try his luck as a comedian, beginning the long upward climb on the Borscht Belt circuit. By the mid-'30s, with several years' worth of vaudeville and nightclub experience under his belt, Youngman was a featured comedian on Kate Smith's radio program. Then as now, Youngman's act consisted of standing stock-still before the audience, violin tucked under his arm, rapidly spewing forth such wheezy but sure-fire one-line gags as "Take my wife, please." Somewhere along the line, Youngman would begin scratching out "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" on his violin, pausing periodically to knock 'em dead with still more one-liners. An infrequent visitor to films, he co-wrote and co-starred in a few obscure B-pictures of the 1940s, then later showed up in such comic cameos as the "fly-in-soup man" in Mel Brooks' Silent Movie (1976). A peripatetic TV guest star, Youngman settled down long enough to co-star with Rocky Graziano in the erratically scheduled 1955 variety series The Henny and Rocky Show, and was a regular on the Joey and Ray Heatherton summer-replacement weekly Joey and Dad (1975). An indefatigable joke machine, Henny Youngman is the author of ten books, the first of which was titled -- you guessed it -- Take My Wife, Please.