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Lots of Sex, Nudity, Violence and Gore....Just The Way Old B-Movie Horror Movies Used To Be Like...
Does anyone ever remember going to the drive-in, and watching those old lame B-level horror movies that used to play there? You know the ones that showed a lot of gratuitous nudity and sex, to go with the gore wrenching violence? Well I don't, as I wasn't even born yet. However, I have heard stories about it, and I've watched a few of those films in the past myself, on T.V. Anyway, for those yearning for those type of horror movies again, then look no further than "Piranha 3-D." It has everything you'd expect out of a B-movie. Lots of violence and horror. Plus, a lot of freaking nudity and sex scenes too...literally! In fact, there's a lesbian sex underwater scene in this film (involving the two hot girls you'll see in the pictures I provided), and not to mention a man's floating dismembered p***s flowing around in the water until a piranha eats and gags it out. Indeed, "Piranha 3-D" breathes new life into the B-movie horror genre, by making a film so horrendously bad, that most critics are saying it actually turned out good. However, does that make "Piranha 3-D" a good movie by any means?
Well before I get to that, I'll briefly explain what this film is about. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents. Sadly, that's easier said than done, as it's spring break and all the stupid dumb a**es...I mean teenagers don't want to listen to the old sheriff, when she kindly asks them to vacate the water for their own safety. No, they don't listen to her until like I don't know...say like around twenty or more of them get eaten by those things. Then that's when they start to listen to her. Damn morons. Why are teens in B-movies so freaking ignorant and stupid? Seriously, if I had a son or daughter that freaking dumb, I'd hang myself for raising such a stupid kid. Plus, let's not forget about the possible sequel, as Christopher Loyd's character, Mr. Goodman, says those are only the baby piranhas.....(as the adult ones aren't in this movie)
To be quite honest, it's hard for me to judge a B-movie. Simply because it's almost like the director and writers of this film intentionally make it so horrendously bad, that it doesn't expect you to take it at all seriously. Even the death scenes were made rather comical along, with some of the cheesiest dialogue you can think of in this movie. In one scene a ten year old girl says, "Hey, I like your boobs. My brother would love them too." Kids say the darndest things don't they? Plus, lets not forget the friendly little exchange of how the little girl says she doesn't like wearing her training bra because it's itchy, to a porn actress. And the porn actress retorts, "I know right", in total agreement. Gee, talk about female bonding here folks. Yeah, I'm starting to wonder if the writers for this film wrote the dialogue that bad intentionally or not.
However, one of the main criteria I use to review films is the director(s) and writer(s) intent. What exactly were they trying to do with the film, and what message, if any, was it trying to convey. Once, I decipher that, a film review becomes fairly easy for me to analyze, as I then just start to question how successfully they executed that said intent and possible message. On that end, I can definitely tell "Piranha 3-D" was made out to be a true B-movie in every sense of the word. It was almost like the director and writers knew that this was nothing more than a cheap remake of an original movie that was already an obvious rip off of "Jaws", that they conveniently decided to make "Piranha 3-D" the cheesiest horror film ever. Thus, making a horror film so freaking bad, that it turns out quite decent. Does it work? Almost...but not quite, as there was a lot unnecessary scenes that could have been taken out.
Unfortunately for "Piranha 3-D", I do factor in something else besides director(s) and writer(s) intent. I also factor in how much of what kind of content is necessary to carry out said intent. Which is something that "Piranha 3-D" fails in tragically, as there was a lot things that could have been edited out. One being the the floating p***s that was eaten and gagged out by a piranha. Seriously, how was that freaking necessary? We already saw the guy get torn apart by those things, so was it really necessary to see his thing like that? I don't think so, as it doesn't do anything for the story.
Plus, there's the various sex and nudity in this film (most of it being naked girls). Don't get me wrong, I love looking at a naked hot girl as much as the next guy out there. However, when it comes to movies, I often find nude and/or sex scenes often distasteful and unwarranted. As most nude and sex scenes add almost nothing to the story of a movie. Besides, if I wanted to watch a film to look at a hot girl and for the sex scenes, then I'd go out and rent a porno. Not that I ever have, but I would if that was my only intention of watching a movie. As for the five minute lesbian underwater make out scene, doesn't add anything to the movie, but it rather distracts from the main storyline itself. Besides, when has a sex scene ever been necessary in a movie? In "Gone With The Wind", we all knew Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh's characters had sex around the ending of the movie, but they never showed it. Why? Because the set up and story line was so ingeniously clever that the audience already knew they had sex without actually seeing it. Alas, it seems writers of this generation must think we're all morons or something, as they must think that unless we see sex take place, then it never happened. Gee, what a great logical way to think. Does that mean since you never saw your parents have sex, then that must mean they're still....(gasps)...virgins! For those that can't tell, I was being sarcastic with my last remark.
To get back at the topic at hand, I thought "Piranha 3-D" does execute fairly well on being a horrendously bad B-movie, but the unnecessary gratuitous nude and sex scenes pretty much ruined this movie for me, as a lot of it just distracted from the central story line. In fact, the five minutes that was spent on the freaking underwater lesbian make out scene, it could have gone to develop the romance between the two main characters, Jake (Steven R. McQueen) and Kelly (Jessica Szohr), of the film. Instead, very little if any screen time is ever given to develop their love story, as writers pretty much just expect you to root for them because...well they're the good guys! Gee, great plan. Again, I'm being sarcastic.
If that wasn't bad enough, the 3-D images aren't even that great either. As I could barely even notice it, outside of a few scenes. And one of those scenes, I wish it didn't work so well in...namely the floating p***s scene....yeah...that's not exactly what I want to see in a 3-D movie. Having said that though, I thought the CGI was fairly well done, as the piranhas are very realistic in this movie.
Overall, I'd have to give this film a one and a half out of four. It had a lot of promise being a great B-movie that was so freakishly bad that it turns out good like "Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon", for instance, but too much sex and nude scenes ruin the film for me. Hence, the low score. Sure, it'll be a great rental for you and your friends to make fun of on how horrible it truly is. I just wouldn't expect anything more out of it than that....