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Piranha 3DD (2012)
Director: John Gulager
Writers: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan, Joel Soisson, Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg
Cast: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Katrina Bowden, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, David Koechner, Chris Zylka, Adrian Martinez, Paul James Jordan, Meagan Tandy, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd, Paul Scheer, Gary Busey, Clu Gulager, Sierra Fisk, Matthew Lintz, Sylvia Jefferies, Jenna Hurt, Rozlyn Papa, Alisa Harris, Stacy Rabon, Nate Panning, Kathy Sue Holtorf, Irina Voronina, Ving Rhames
Synopsis: After the events at Lake Victoria, the pre-historic school of blood-thirsty piranhas make their way into a newly opened waterpark.
MPAA Rating: Rated R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use
Double the Terror. Double the Fun. And Double....the Ds! O.o
A film that features graphic violence and sex! My two favorite things..hehe. Actually, I'm kidding with that last remark, but if you're looking for a movie that features those two qualities, then look no further than "Piranha 3DD." For those readers that may remember my review for the first movie, I was condemned openly in comments for being way too hard on it.
As one person said, I should've realized that the original was a throwback to the oldschool 60's and 70's B-Movie films back in the day. After contemplating this, I have to admit that I was a bit harsh on the first movie. Does that mean that "Piranha 3-D" is actually any good? Not a chance in hell, but in hindsight, it should've gotten a two point rating. Why? Because the filmmakers behind it didn't mean for it to be taken seriously, and the target audience it was aimed at loved it. Therefore, I apologize to my readers for misjudging the first one.
Having said all that, lets move onto my thoughts on the sequel, "Piranha 3DD." For those wondering about the title of this review, the film is literally called "Piranha 3DD"; thus implying that most of the women you'll see will have bigger...erm...well you get what I mean. Anyways, this film picks up years after the first one. But instead of the film going over the adult piranhas this time, as the last one merely had the babies. No, this one completely ignores that ending, and instead the piranha somehow sneak in through the sewer line, and invade a public waterpark.
Why you may ask? Because for some reason chlorine attracts them. Although I always thought most fish would...well...DIE..from being exposed to chlorine. However, I'm not a marine biologist, so what do I know?
The story focuses on a young teenage girl named Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), who seems to be the only girl with brains in this film, as a lot of the other girls here are merely used for eye candy. Not to sound sexist or anything, as that's merely how most women are portrayed in "Piranha 3DD." Of course, Maddy has an imbecile for a step father named Chet (David Koechner), who owns the world's largest water park allegedly. Gee, I guess that means "Sea World" and "Schlitterbahn" are safe.
Anyways, unlike most water parks that try to be geared towards the general public, Chet not only tries to sell his park to the general public, but get this...you'll love this part. He actually has an adult swim area. Now, I know what most readers will say, "But Steven...most water parks have adult swim time or area...blah..blah." However, what makes this adult area different is that all the adults are allowed to swim naked if they prefer. And get this, they even have a damn camera underneath the water to record all the naked women swimming too. Plus to make this park even more raunchier, they even have a big screen TV next to the adult pool area that shows whatever the hidden underwater cam records. Therefore if a naked woman swims in the adult pool, then you bet your a** that everyone in the pool area will see her naked on that TV.
Still not sexist enough you say? Wait, there's more! All girls with double D breasts get in the park for free. Can you believe that? That's right ladies. If you have double D breasts, then you too can enjoy this sexist water park for free. Whoo hoo! Party! But wait, it gets even better. You know how some water parks hire real lifeguards to be on duty? Psh yeah...f*** that. Nah, who needs real lifeguards when you can just hire professional strippers to pose as your lifeguards, eh? Isn't that lovely? Hmm? Hell, Chet doesn't even try to hide the fact that all his lifeguards are professional strippers with zero training, as he brags about it to his damn step daughter in the movie.
Hell, he even hires professional actor (I use the term loosely), David Hasselhoff, to be a lifeguard for opening day. Oh man, I can't wait to visit this water park. I mean screw "Sea World" and "Schlitterbahn", as I want to go to the one with naked girls swimming in the adult swim area. Alright..giggity giggity giggity!
Oh yeah, this water park turns you on so much that we even have a fat guy here that humps the water pipe that fills up the pool, during business hours no less. Oh yeah, don't act like any of you guys reading this wouldn't do the same. Giggity giggity giggity! By the way, I'm joking for those that can't tell.
Don't get me wrong, I love looking at naked girls as much as the next heterosexual male out there, but when it comes to movies, I mean seriously? And by movies, I'm not talking about pornographic films either. No, I mean mainstream regular films specifically. I can't speak for most readers here, as I'm aware everyone has their tastes in movies and whatnot.
However, when I watch a movie, I only ask for two basic things. A good story and/or interesting characters. That's all. Now, I don't care if there's a naked girl in the film or not, as that's not what's going to make the movie great to me. Besides, if I wanted to see a film based solely on how many hot naked girls there are having sex in it, then I'll just go off and watch porn all day. Hence, my dilemma with this film.
As one of my readers suggested, "Piranha 3DD" is a throwback to those cheesy B-Movie films back in the day, so it's hard to really bash it for what it is. On the one hand, I probably should just pick this film apart, and call it crap based on the fact that it's cheesy, stupid and lacks a whole lot of logic. But on the other hand, I'd be missing the point that a movie like this was never meant to be taken seriously. It's like trying to bash "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" or the original Adam West's "Batman" movie, as none of those were meant to be taken seriously. Neither was any of the "Piranha" films for that matter. No, this film knows it's a silly stupid movie, and it relishes in that fact. It doesn't try to be a quality movie, as that's not the filmmakers' intentions.
No, it's just a dumb syfy teen horror film with lots of nudity, sex, raunchy humor, and a crap load of cheesy violence. If this sounds like something that would be right up your alley, then go check it out. If you're looking for something with a bit more substance, then I'd avoid this film at all costs.
In the end, I'll give this film the exact same rating it's prequel deserved which is a two out of four. It accomplishes what the filmmakers were set out to do, and it'll definitely appeal to the target audience that loves these kind of cheesy light pornographic horror comedies.
These Videos Represent What I think the Filmmakers Behind This Movie Must Be Like (Warning: Contains Adult Language. Parental Discretion Advised)
© 2013 Steven Escareno