The Guy Who Tried to Bite Me.
The Guy Who Tried To Bite Me!!
It was a warm sultry, steamy, humid, southern summer Saturday night August 2004. The location once again is my jurisdiction. My partner and I were parked side by side on the asphalt median of the 4 lane highway. I was facing the North bound lanes and my partner was facing the South bound lanes, both patrol cars were at least 10 feet from the painted yellow lane lines. We weren't looking for any trouble, just hanging out and talking about who knows what as we often did in those days.
We were positioned about a half mile north of the local and only bar within 10 miles. You can imagine the fools and riff - raff who patronize the bar because the 3 adjacent counties to the north are continuing to live in the prohibition era of history by refusing to allow the sale of alcoholic beverages. Therefore, that particular place has an influx of rabid, redneck, riff - raff, hooligan, bar hopping idiots. They come from the 3 "Dry" counties to patronize the bar and the local county line liquor store in droves, to quench the thirst that beckons even the strongest of wills, particularly on Friday and Saturday nights. They of course bring with them various drugs, to wit; Pills, Marihuana, Cocaine in all forms, and the latest beast to rear its ugly head Meth / Ice. If you were to take these substances and alcohol, combine them and put them into someone of limited education you would have the dispositions of 96.5% of the patrons at any given time inside the bar.
As my partner and I were discussing the state of the world and stressing over mountains of paperwork that the local police must wade through on a daily basis, I notice out of the corner of my eye a set of headlights that are entirely too close to my patrol car. I interrupt my partner in mid-sentence by exclaiming," Did you just see that car"? To which my partner replies," No, what's up with it"?
The vehicle having apparently only mere moments before departed from the bar seemed challenged by the idea of keeping the car inside the lines of the highway. What I had witnessed after I noticed the headlights was a vehicle coming straight towards my passenger side door. The vehicle was probably traveling at least 30 miles per hour. By the time I noticed the vehicle it was already less than 50 feet away from my patrol car and still coming quickly. I must admit, I was like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, literally. Nowhere to run, no time to slam the gear shifter into drive in order to pull out of the way of imminent danger, which in hind-sight would have left the vehicle bearing on the drivers door of my partners patrol car. This is one of the rare cases where indecision was a good decision.
With the vehicle continuing to bear down on my patrol car at a rapid pace I now began to worry. The headlights were as big as two suns in the sunset on a late September evening's cool and crisp cloudless sky. My pupils had to be so small that a lone ray of light had to ask for permission to enter my eyeball. I actually experienced fear for a fleeting moment that had come and gone so very quickly I truly can't recall. Finally, at the last second the vehicle swerves back to the right and onto the highway. The vehicle missed the front bumper of my patrol car by the width of a bottle of Schlitz Beer. I was so absolutely astonished it was about 10 seconds before I was able to interrupt my partners' sentence.
After I ask my partner if he had seen what happened and realized he had not, I said," Come on"! I then put my car into drive and entered the highway in pursuit of the swerving vehicle. By the time I caught up with the vehicle it was pulling onto the interstate on-ramp, then running off the ramp onto the shoulder then back across the ramp to the opposite shoulder. I activated my blue lights and chirped the siren to commence a traffic stop. Once the vehicle finally came to a stop after what seemed like a struggle for whoever was driving the car, I called in the tag info to dispatch. I noticed at this time that my partner had not followed and apparently had no idea what was going on even though it had occurred less than 10 feet from him.
I was rather certain that this would be a drunk driver, but I never convict them before I make sure through the use of a few tests that I am correct in my presumptions. Using caution I slowly begin to walk towards the drivers' side window, but before I could get to that point, the driver rapidly swings the door open and exits the vehicle. If you are in my shoes this is not a "comfort zone" feeling that is acquired. Many a police officer have been shot and killed in this manner. It was then I noticed the driver was a frail looking elderly man. The man had terrible balance and appeared to be torn completely out of his frame. Now that I have established the threat level, which was apparently minimal in this case, I begin to approach him to further ensure my safety by checking for any weapons and disarming if necessary. While I am approaching my new found friend I begin to talk to him in order to keep him calm encase he has any weapons and to distract him from my actions of approach.
I slowly approach him while asking his name and things of that nature that are simple to answer and yet take enough thought to distract from my intentions. While my new friend begins to speak to me I realize I can't understand a word the guy is saying. For instance I would say, "How's it going"? He would reply,"MMMMeeennyggggooooooss"! This was not a speech impediment, though I did notice he had no teeth in his entire head; this dude was just torn down. At this point I begin to notice the strong odor of alcoholic beverages and notice the man swaying in the breeze like panties on Grandmas clothesline. Of course any rational person can conclude (Less a damn lawyer, no offense to my sister) that this guy is drunk like Otis from Mayberry. This revelation further lowers the threat level and I finally get to the man and pat him for weapons while continuing to talk to him and explain our encounter to him, simply because he does not remember the event described in earlier paragraphs.
After all the explanations were complete and I realize that this is what we, the police call a "Friendly Drunk" I ask him to blow in my little machine to find out just how drunk he really is. Of course he had no objections because we were friends now. I, being curious as I am retreated to my car to get my Alco check 2000. The Alco check is a rather simple device that reads the alcohol content of ones breath by means of the subject blowing orally a breath sample through a disposable plastic straw mounted on top of the device, which then gives the operator a digital reading within seconds of the subjects' completion of the breath sample.
As I explained to my new friend that I wanted him to take a deep breath and blow through the straw until I said stop, he would nod his head and make inaudible noises as if he understood my meager commands. At this point I take my new sterile straw from the wrapper and mount it onto the Alco check 2000 and hold the machine up towards his mouth with the straw absolutely, directly one inch in front of his toothless lips and then give the command to start blowing. My new friend rolls his eyes up and into his skull and sucks in a mammoth breath, purses his lips so tight they put on the appearance of the end of a hot dog wiener. He opens his eyes and attempts to focus on the straw with drunken eyes that are as crossed as kids eyes are when their Mother tells them, "They will stick that way if you don't quit doing that". Then comes the release of this epic eruption of carbon dioxide, it all leaves his relieved body as directed........with one exception.....he totally missed the straw and blew his breath onto the onramp continuing to sway in the breeze like the panties at Grandmas house in the summer.
At this point I knew I had a classic drunk that must be witnessed by all my fellow officers that were available. I have on a lapel radio and call my fellow officers. First I call my partner who is still sitting in the median, "975 to 513, I need a hand up here with a 10- 50 (Drunk Driver) this guy missed the straw"!! My partner replied while giggling into the radio mic, "On my way"! My partner arrives and I retreat to tell him what had transpired in the 5 minutes prior. Of course he is intrigued and another approach is inevitable. We both approach the guy and at this point my partner begins to ask some questions which is the perfect diversion for me to swoop in and search his pockets. Earlier I had felt a large prescription bottle that probably contained the pills the man was taking with alcohol consumption that would explain his lack of speech abilities. As I reach into his pocket I pull out a large bottle that has a huge amount of Lortabs, a pain killer drug, of which several are missing.
I ask my friend if he has been taking the pills, to which he replied in some sort of garbled non-speak, "Hnnnnaggdssskkkoooppp"! I took that as a yes and reached into the same pocket to retrieve any other items that I may have missed. By this time my partner was already about to burst from trying not to laugh at the guy because we are professionals. I could glance at him and he would turn his head in an effort not to laugh because he has by now caught onto the fact that I am trying to crack him up and this incident is being recorded.
Back to the pocket, I reach into the pocket and feel some odd shaped thing. As I pull it out of his pocket I realize to my utter surprise ............it's the mans false teeth, and my partner has already noticed before I did. He is of course about to pee his britches trying not to laugh. I know that he is about to break and I will finish him, it's what I do! I look directly in my new friends eyes, and hold his teeth up eye level with the most serious look I can come up with and say to him without cracking a smile," Dude, did you just try to bite me"? My new friend did not understand the complexity of my query and replied,"Mkkkihhhuuffff"
My partner however, actually had to lie on the pavement and laugh so hard that we both had tears coming down our faces. We had to take several minutes to compose ourselves and get the giggles out of our system. There are not many times you have a serious, from the soul laugh that is therapeutic in a way but that was one for me that night and my partner as well.
After we gained our composure we had to decide what to do with this guy. He was way to messed up to let go and he could not communicate with anyone on the phone for obvious reasons, so I had a solution. At that time in history "Harry Pits Pub" had been lodging complaints alleging that the police may be watching the exits of the bar entrapping patrons into a DUI which may have been affecting their profits. We are not the type to hold grudges; we took our new friend back to the bar and asked specifically for the owner to come out to our patrol cars. When Harry made an appearance I explained to him that this was his product and we had no intentions of hindering his business and that he would be taking custody of my new friend. Harry wasn't happy but could not complain he got what he wanted.
We left him with the bar employees and went back to our spot in the median like nothing had ever happened that night, since then we have both moved on from that place on Earth, but neither will forget the guy who tried to bite me!
Read more of infamous run ins at.........
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