Remakes Makes Cents
It's an epidemic I tell you. Big. And wide-spreading. This is not a fatal disease. A hostile corporate take-over. Or even a National Football League expansion into some rural town somewhere in the great United States. But this I am exposing, is just as bad. Confusing. And hard to keep up with and get my head around.
I am talking about remakes. Not make-overs. Do-overs, but remakes. This is where powerful and power-wielding movie and television producers decide to take a once-successful movie or television show and with a few upgrades, updates, and character changes, boom! You have another hit show. A remake of a once-famous show or movie. And we have all sit back and become complacent with this new wave of making films for our big screen theaters and shows for our 52 inch plasma's we keep lifted high in our dens.
Personally, it took me a long time to really understand the concept of remakes. At first, remakes made me sad. Confused. Disappointed. And upset enough to never buy a ticket to a walk-in theater again. It upset me so much that I sat down at my computer and banged out a few bold, but civil emails to Paramount, Dream Works, and MGM movie companies as well as our good friends at CBS, NBC and last and yes, these days, least, ABC, and told them in plain English that speaking for me, one viewer, I was not happy with the remakes such as CBS' (new) Hawaii Five-O. Oh, you can have Alex O' Loughlin, as the "new" Steve Garrett, commander of the Five-O team, but I am a purist. Give me Jack Lord as McGarrett and James Macarthur as Danny. That will make me happy.
While I am on CBS and Hawaii Five-O, I can understand why CBS remade Hawaii Five-O. Like I said, to capitalize on something that worked. And they scored O' Loughlin as McGarrett from another show that flopped, Miami Medical, and another flop before that, Moonlight, where O' Loughlin played a "good" vampire who helped the police fight crime. Real genius, CBS! And I have also noticed that on a lot of CBS shows, some of the characters they use are interchangeable. One week a guy might appear as a minister on Criminal Minds, and the next week he is a serial killer on CSI: Miami. You see what I am getting at? Interchangeable actors save money. Remakes save money. How? In my estimation, a movie or television company digs up the good, popular scripts of a once-popular show, and with a few dialogue changes, along with new actors to play established characters on that show, well I don't have to tell you that before long, this remake is as popular as the old show. Not to me. Not now. Not ever.
I've rambled long enough. Although I am a purist, realist, and a man who calls it like he sees them, I am also not a fence-sitter. I am either in the game or not. On one side of the fence or the other, but not in the middle. And speaking of 'middle,' thank God, no one at ABC has thought to produce a remake of that annoying, "Malcom In The Middle," and as sure as I publish this hub, ABC will announce this fall that the "new" "Malcom In The Middle: Adult Years," will be part of their new program schedule.
If I cannot help someone, I sure do not want to hurt them, speaking of those high-powered, mega-influencial film and television producers. I am "throwing my hat" into the "remake ring," with a few sensible suggestions that I feel would make for great television and maybe film entertainment for everyone in America and world-wide audiences.
No, I won't dignify the remake of "The Green Hornet," film with a comment.
Here are just a few of the suggestions I have of once-famous shows that can be remade into once-again popular shows for our enjoyment.
Gunsmoke: The Beginning
could cast Brad Pitt as the young Matt Dillon. That would surely make women, young and old, jump with excitement. Pitt would have as co-stars: Kurt Russell, as Festus; Mandy Patinkin, as "Doc," and the lovely Patricia Heaton as Miss Kitty, who has just opened the Long Branch Saloon for customers on the remake's pilot episode. I am not going to write the entire script. That is for those professional screenwriters to do that.
The Waltons: Mountain Memories
Acclaimed-actor, Richard "John Boy" Thomas, now a successful newspaper publisher in the big city of Wheeling, West Virginia, returns to Walton's Mountain on a sabbatical while his staff take care of his newspaper chain. John Walton, as he is called these days, is coming home, so to speak, because he was tipped off by a descendant of Ike Godsey, who ran the general store on the original Waltons, that a crime had been covered-up while he and his sibligs were leaving Walton's Mountain. As cast for this remake, Ralph Waite is still alive and has starred with Mark "Jethro" Harmon on NCIS, and I am sure that most of the Walton children are still around and would jump at the chance to star as adults in this Walton's remake.
Tales Of Young Perry Mason
is tricky. I see Will Ferrell leaving his clumsy, mostly-comedy base to take on the role of a young Perry Mason as he starts out in law practice. Co-stars might include Michael Weatherly, "Danozo," on NCIS, (when it folds) as a dashing and man-about-town, private eye, Paul Drake. Jessica Alba as Della Street, Perry's secretary. With this cast alone, the ratings would hit the roof. David Ogen Steirs, "Winchester, on M*A*S*H, would play as "Burger," Perry's young nemesis in the court room.
Mayberry: Rural Law 2011
is easy to cast and understand. Ron "Opie" Howard (now known as Ron Taylor), returns after years of exploring the world as a National Geographic writer, to a crime-ridden, filthy Mayberry, that causes him to give up his successful writer job and run for sheriff of Mayberry against an evil, "Tom Stoner," the great grandson of annoying Mayor Roy Stoner (Parley Baer), who has his eyes on his wallet and the office of sheriff so he can run illegal drugs, launder money and take kick-backs from the mob to make Mayberry his private "criminal playground." With the help of Tom Lester, "Eb," on Green Acres, who stars as Barney Fife's nephew, but smarter, is "Ron Taylor's" deputy who helps Ronald clean up Mayberry and start all over from scratch. All along we see flash backs of the old black and white Andy Griffith Show when Ron Taylor is facing major decisions in the office of sheriff. CBS would love for me to just give this idea to them.
Bat Masterson, The New Kid
is an adventure, action crime-fighting show that stars, guess who, Val Kilmer, as today's dapper, polished, cultured and refined, Bat Masterson, but on this remake, Bat is known as "Baston Masterson," Bat's great, great nephew who has a Ph.d in criminology, a master of all types of martial arts, degrees in science, medicine, and literature. "Baston" speaks eight foreign languages fluently and is much-sought-after by the pretty ladies of modern day Dodge City, Kansas, where "Baston" sets up his office as a private investigator. CBS would be the ideal place for this remake. As for co-stars, they could be anyone from CBS' shows that are not doing well in the ratings or any unemployed actor. Tom Selleck, "Magnum, P.I." could make a cameo appearance on his way following a lead to solve a crime in San Francisco. I hear that some movie company is actually filming a remake of "Magnum," for release in 2012. Oh, back to "Baston," he doesn't carry a cane like his great uncle, Bat, instead, "Baston," carries a specially-designed steel pointer that you use in presentations, but "this" steel pointer has a razor-sharp blade that is hidden from sight. Do you see Kilmer as "Baston Masterson?"
The Trials Of Young Ben Casey: Intern Years
has Ben Affleck as young Ben Casey, super-talented and highly-intelligent intern that has just graduated from Harvard School of Medicine. Vince Edwards was the original Ben Casey and to me, was always angry at something or someone. Who knows why? This remake of Ben Casey would have Affleck with a sense of humor, but stern and dedicated when it came to curing sicknesses. Co-stars can play as patients could be: Doris Roberts, "Marie," on Everybody Loves Raymond; Betty White, "Rose," on Golden Girls, and an ailing Ralph Waite, jumping over to co-star on this CBS remake while he is not needed on "The Waltons: Mountain Memories," remake. See there? I have already saved CBS tons of money.
The New Highway Patrol
will star none other than famous action-actor, Vin Diesel, without hair of course. Broderick Crawford, legendary Hollywood actor, played chief, Dan Matthews, who each week, caught and apprehended speeders, killers, and kidnappers. And always had a witty sign-off line at the show's end. I remember one. "In the circus, clowns are funny, but on the highway, they are murder," Crawford would say and the show would sign off. Same format with Diesel, who at the end of each show, is sitting on the hood of his super-charged, nitrous-powered police cruiser, giving the audience some tips for highway safety. Co-stars can be anyone. The villains can be anyone who wants to be a part of this remake-about-to-be-a-blockbuster show.
The Son of Mr. Ed
will be, I promise, so funny that some network will sign the screenwriters, producers, to a five-year run. With this cast, Chevy Chase as Wilbur Post, a novelist, not an architect, who works from his home. Remember Connie Hines, the pretty blond who played as Penny, his wife? Well, I thought of this too. Jamie Pressley, of "My Name is Earl," can easily be Penny, but not like Hines' character who was very-submissive to Post. This "Penny," will be a liberated, independent woman who takes up for Wilbur when he is being razzed by nosy neighbors about his latest novel. And get this. Brad Garrett, "Robert," on Everybody Loves Raymond, can be the voice of Ed, or the son of Mr. Ed. The plot is simple. The original Mr. Ed, ran off one dark night and never came back, but one day, a horse fitting his description simply walked up to Wibur, who was puttering with some flowers in the front yard and said, "Hello. I'm the son of Mr. Ed," and the rest should be high-ratings and truckloads of laughs.
CHIPS: Freeway To Danger
stars Erik "Ponch" Estrada and Larry "Jon" Wilcox, the original CHIPs officers who have returned to Los Angeles to be hard-nosed, but understanding CHIPs instructors. They see just how "green" the new crop of "chippies," can be and also how dangerous that travelling the freeways of Los Angeles in 2011 can be to innocent drivers. When Wilcox left the original CHIPS, he went back to Oklahoma to help run his dad's farm leaving "Ponch," to take to the streets with his new partner. The original show hit the skids soon after this change was made. Co-stars: Sergeant Joseph Getrare, Anthony Michael Hall of "Weird Science," and "Dead Zone," and of course, you need a nerdy CHIPs officer like "Grossman," so enter, singer, Ricky Martin, who can be sweet and goofy at the same time. I believe that this remake has possibilities. Do you?
The Oddest Couple
stars, now sit down, Ted Danson, as the "Oscar," role, but his character name is, "Coszar," a highly-successful magazine writer and at home in his New York apartment, he is as messy as the original "Oscar," played by Jack Klugman. Danson, "Cozar's" neat-freak room mate is Danny Devito, who plays as "Benji," a psychotherapist who runs "Cozar" nuts with his cleaning rituals and "neating parties," he has every Friday night, just like Tony Randall's "Felix" character started on ABC's The Odd Couple. Anyone can be the buddies roles for this remake of The Odd Couple. Danson, like Ralph Waite, can take on this role when CSI: Nevada, goes off the air, or he can go back forth from one show to the other. Danson is that talented.
I am finished with this first batch of suggestions of remake ideas for television shows and films for the theatre. And I am totally-serious and very-sane as I write this.
You think that I am nuts? Well how about the remake of "The A-Team," did you like the guy who tried to play "Mr. T."? And Bradley Cooper as Murdock? Come on. Be honest. It wasn't the same without the real "Mr. T.," and George "Hannibal" Pappard, was it?
And you think that THESE ideas are not sensible?
ATTENTION: CBS, I AM READY TO TALK.