Review: Ryan Gosling's Naked and/or Nude Abs
In the movie "Crazy, Stupid Love," actor Ryan Gosling takes off his shirt twice, revealing his incredible, scrumptious, naked abdomen. After his turn in "Blue Valentine", Ryan gained notoriety as a serious actor, but it's really being naked that's made him famous. Fortunately, "Crazy, Stupid Love" is a beautiful step forward and Ryan has once again established himself, first and foremost, as pure beefcake. Whenever Ryan Gosling is naked, it's good for humanity. It cheers up the world. Women everywhere come out of their depressions and look to the heavens and acknowledge that indeed there must be a god because who else could have created Ryan's beautiful abs?
In one scene, which most people have seen in the trailer for "Crazy, Stupid Love", Emma Stone's character tells Gosling's character to take off his shirt. When Ryan does, Emma comments that he looks like he was photoshopped, as if this was a bad thing. Since when are perfect, naked abs a bad thing?
This is not a bad thing. This is an awe-inspiring thing. It is the thing that makes "Crazy, Stupid Love" one of the best movies of all-time. The only way it could have been any better were if Ryan took his shirt off more than twice. The movie could have also been in 3-D so that girls like me could have pretended that his abs were touching our faces. Or that we could have pretended to reach out and touch them.
So what's so great about Ryan Gosling's naked abs? That's like asking what's so great about ice cream or why is living better than death. Some things just are. Even Ryan Reynolds, star of "The Green Lantern" and an owner of some pretty spectacular abs himself, admitted on MTV that Ryan Gosling's abs were better. While I would be happy to touch either one, this is one of the hard things that film critics do. We tell people that one thing is better than another. We give ratings. Ryan Reynolds: you're an A. Ryan Gosling: you're an A+. It's all good.
Things You Can Do With Ryan Gosling's Abs
Just look at that picture. Those abs are subtle, defined, wonderful. They are like a work of art. But where to hang that work of art? Here are a few things you can do with Ryan Gosling's naked abs.
- Create a plaster cast - Invite Ryan over to your house or call his publicist forty or fifty times or track him down at his local Hollywood hangout (Les Deux Cafe). Toss some plaster on him. Wait about thirty minutes, then gently remove the plaster. Hang the piece from your ceiling or cuddle it in bed. It's all up to you.
- Create a website devoted to Ryan's abs - Here are a few web domains that are available: ryansabs.com, ryanswonderfulabs.com, iloveryansabs.com, icovetryansabs.com, givemeryansabs.com, givemeryansabsrightnow.com, givemeryansabsrightnowdamnit.com, lickryansabs.com, rubryansabsalloverme.com. Now, after you've created your web site, post tons of pictures and tell the whole world.
- Rub Ryan's abs on your face - This might seem harder than it actually is. Among other things, you could go to a movie premiere of Ryan's new movie and then jump out of the crowd and give him a big hug where you put your face on his stomach. You could also kidnap him, tie him to your bed, and then spend your days rubbing your face up and down his naked stomach like a cat - or something. Of course, kidnapping is wrong, so you could cut out a few hundred pictures and tape them to your wall and rub your face on them with your eyes close as you pretend you're actually rubbing your face on Ryan's real abs.
- Touch them slowly and chant the name of your lord - Are Ryan's abs not proof that we were made by a kind and loving God? Clearly, one way to serve thy lord is to rub Ryan's abs and chant His name. We must worship all of God's creation, but particularly those creations that are perfect.
- Make sure everyone knows about Ryan's abs - You will want to bring up the subject of Ryan's abs whenever you can. Rest assured that few people will balk at the idea of talking to you about Ryan and his beautiful, naked abs. Whether you are in a restaurant, bar, or elevator and whether or not the person is somebody you know or not, make sure you bring up the subject whenever you can.
- Take your Ryan Gosling blow-up doll and put it next to you in bed - Then you gently rest your hand on the doll's stomach and chant or sing.
- Bounce things off them - Assuming you can get Ryan to come over to your house, have him get naked, lie on your floor, and then bounce various objects of his abs like a flower pot, cooking pan, orange, apple, bowling ball, and your oiled, naked buttocks.
- Make Music - If you tap your hands lightly over Ryan's naked abs, they sound just like the bongos.
What's Your Favorite Thing To Do With Ryan's Abs?
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