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Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and ET

Updated on November 15, 2008

Santa Claus

The story goes that a certain Nicholas Klaus of Germany retired from his toy-making career to a reindeer farm in northern Lapland. He was attracted to Lapland by the local traditional dance called Lap dance. One night he and Mrs. Klaus were out enjoying a night of Lap dancing (and a little too much schnapps, perhaps) and took a wrong turn, ending up at the North Pole.

Meanwhile, tired of persecution, first by Romans and then by Goths, the elves had fled northward into the frozen waste and founded a city using elven-craft made famous by the historical work of J.R.R. Tolkien and the Keebler Cookie Company. As we all know, elves are immortal, and by the time Nicholas and wife arrived they were getting pretty bored in the relentless ice and snow. They were therefore very happy to see new faces when they found the two retirees nearly frozen in their sleigh.

After the elves nursed the elderly couple back to health, they listened with rapt attention, their little pointy ears red with passionate joy, as Nicholas told them stories of the old days in the toy-making business. Since folks in Lapland were too busy dancing to listen, Nicholas was very pleased with this attention, and overjoyed when one of the elves took the initiative to make a toy and show it to him.

As they spent time with the elves, the Klaus's soon discovered the elves' magical powers. One thing led to another and before you could say 'merger' Nicholas and the elves launched their famous toy distribution enterprise. In gratitude for the help of Mr. and Mrs. Klaus, the elves gave them immortality.

In the beginning they brought toys only to the poor children, earning Nicholas sainthood in the year 1078. Later the enterprise was extended to all 'nice' children.

The Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny came into being as a result of the union between the Vernal Equinox Chicken and the Silly Rabbit, best known as spokesperson for Trix, a breakfast cereal. After she was wed with Foghorn Leghorn she began her brightly colored egg-laying career simply as the Spring Bunny in the year 922 BCE and was given her Easter Bunny title at the First Council of Nicaea in the year 325CE. She currenlty resides in Nashville where she maintains offices at the Southern Baptist Convention.

E.T.

Long before E.T. phoned home, the idea of extraterrestrials, or aliens from another planet, has intrigued Americans. From crop circles in Nebraska to ancient Inca aids to navigation for spacecraft in the Peruvian Andes to Bubba's trailer out in Sorebutt, Kentucky, signs of alien activity are everywhere and despite intensive governmental cover-up action are almost uinversally recognized as absolutely factual. While scientists waste their time looking for bacteria on Europa, aliens continue to gallabant about the country perfoming invasive tests on unwilling subjects in rural America. Why? you might well ask.

The reason the government denies this is happening is, of course, because the American government is leasing rights to experiment on the American people to aliens at an enormous profit in concert with the United Nations world domination conspiracy. This is the main reason for the tremendous increase in government classified secret documents.

On behalf of the United Nations, aliens already run all the major world corporations and own all the food and nearly all the fresh water sources on the planet. Negotiations have already begun for the sale of breathable air. Eventually, if you want to eat, breath, or drink, you will have to pay an alien to do so.

All this means that aliens are no threat to us as a species: they are just incredibly good in business.

Comments

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    • Ande Moore profile image

      Ande Moore 

      10 years ago from Austin, Texas

      That was funny! Thanks for the early morning chuckles.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile imageAUTHOR

      Tom Rubenoff 

      10 years ago from United States

      the pleasure was mine

    • JKSophie profile image

      JKSophie 

      10 years ago from Philippines

      Thank you for answering my request! :-)

    • Tom Rubenoff profile imageAUTHOR

      Tom Rubenoff 

      10 years ago from United States

      I'm sure we could all use a good laugh about now.

    • Kika Rose profile image

      Kika Rose 

      10 years ago from Minnesota

      "All this means that aliens are no threat to us as a species: they are just incredibly good in business."

      xD Oh my god, that made me laugh so hard! Especially the elves and the Keebler Cookie Company bit! Thank you for the giggles!

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