ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Satanic Panic (2019) Movie Review

Updated on October 18, 2019
Noel Penaflor7 profile image

I've been a movie enthusiast my whole life and been writing movie reviews for over 13 years.

 
 
MPAA Rating
Not Rated
Running Time
85 minutes
Director
Chelsea Stardust
Writers
Ted Geoghegan and Grady Hendrix

Because you can only see the 3-hour It Chapter 2 so many times in September before you need to watch something else. In the graveyard month of September the pickings are slim unless you’re really white and would pay money to see the Downton Abbey movie or that Jennifer Lopez/Cardi B stripper movie –

Jennifer Lopez stripper movie, you say. I’m gone.

I guess someone really wanted to see Hustlers, that Jennifer Lopez/Cardi B stripper movie opening this weekend…probably for the plot.

Anyway, there’s usually not much in terms of quality during September so most of us take what we can get, eat our vegetables and wait for the Joker movie to open October.

Which is why I decided to watch the Satanist cult horror/comedy Satanic Panic. I would see Hustlers because it looks like a good movie –

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge

I thought you left to see Hustlers.

I am, but I had to come back because wanted to get my lotion.

I’m sorry?

Because of my dry skin

Oh. I was saying I’ll wait a week or so to see Hustlers so the floors are less sticky. Because of the “butter” on the popcorn.

But now, Satan compels you to read this review of Satanic Panic.

Synopsis

Satanic Panic opens in POV with a young woman losing her virginity to a young man. What we’re sure is a seminal moment in both persons’ lives is cut short by the young man getting violently killed.

The young girl screams.

We cut to another young woman paying the acoustic guitar and singing about the plight of the environment.

I think we would all rather see someone get killed onscreen than anybody playing the acoustic guitar.

That young guitarist is Sam (Hayley Griffith), and this is her first day at her new job. Thank goodness it’s not playing the guitar for people but it’s something that also serves the public for the greater good.

Sam is a pizza delivery driver. Using her Vespa. Yeah, she needs the money.

After bugging her sort-of boyfriend Duncan (indie horror stalwart AJ Bowen) for the job, Sam finally gets her chance. Duncan might want some reciprocation. Sam would rather not.

There’s a montage of Sam getting stiffed on tips, helping people move sofas, learning about the rule of Sam, and just generally looking pathetic on her Vespa.

A discount on red robes if you buy in bulk.
A discount on red robes if you buy in bulk.

It’s her first day. As she gets more experience, she’ll get the more lucrative pizza routes.

Then she gets a call to deliver pizza to Mill Basin.

You know, Mill Basin. The neighborhood is primarily mansions and manicured lawns, but they are notoriously cheap and fraud drivers on their tips even if they don’t have to. One of Sam’s co-workers tells her of a time he got much more than a tip when he delivered pies there years ago (“I went there a delivery boy. I came back a delivery man.”).

Sam agrees to deliver to Mill Basin, because why not? It’s 5 pizzas with a total over $100. It should amount to a pretty decent tip, if they pay up.

Sam drives to a rather opulent mansion in Mill Basin. Sam delivers the pizzas. Sam gets stiffed on the tip again.

Sam is not having it.

Sometimes tattoos aren't sign of individuality.
Sometimes tattoos aren't sign of individuality.

Sam finds her way into the entrance of the house looking for the pencil-necked guy who cheated her. She hears animated conversation coming from what looks like the living room. Pencil neck must be in there. Sam goes in.

If pencil-neck is there, he’s in disguise because everyone in the living room is wearing robes. Except the woman who’s leading the…meeting. Her name is Danica Ross (Rebecca Romjin) and she owes all her money and power to the leading man in her life. It’s not her pathetic husband Samuel (Jerry “It’s Kush” O’Connell), but the almighty dark lord Satan himself.

Danica and all her Satan-worshipping friends are at the house for two very special reasons. To eat pizza and to call on the goat god to be reborn, but he can only be housed in the womb of a virgin.

Sam just really wants her tip, mostly so she can gas up the Vespa.

The Satanists now notice Sam and let’s just say that her first night on the job is about to get a whole lot worse. She went to Mill’s Basin as a delivery boy, um, woman. She may not come back except as the delivery doorway for one of the spawns of Satan.

You thought your job sucked.

What Works With Satanic Panic

  • As the leader of a Satanic cult with child problems of her own, Rebecca Romjin commits fully to her role, getting the movie’s funniest and best lines while never breaking character to the ridiculousness all around her. The audience should be having as much fun as she is.
  • A scene involving a strapped-on “appendage” is the only time the audience is truly caught off guard. You’ll know it when you see it. After this you should walk out of the movie because it doesn’t get any funnier/better.

What Doesn't Work With Satanic Panic

  • The script from usually dependable writers Ted Geoghegan (We are Still Here) and Grady Hendrix (My Best Friend’s Exorcism, Horrostor) provides very few opportunities for genuine laughs. The story is more or less predictable, but that would be more easily forgiven had we actually laughed more. The audience reads the setups for jokes, but the payoff delivers barely a chuckle or worse, complete silence. More than once I thought, “Was that supposed to be the joke?” seconds after an attempt at humor died a quiet death.
  • In this “horror/comedy” the laughs are few and far between, but more so are the supposed scares. Yes, there is a sufficient amount of blood and gore if that’s what you’re looking for but very few moments of actual horror. Director Chelsea Stardust keeps the below 90-minute running time briskly paced so you’re never bored. You’re also never scared or laughing. The average episode of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is scarier. That’s saying something if you’re over the age of 13.

Ruby's got a gun.
Ruby's got a gun.

Overall

Should you give in the to dark lord Satan and watch Satanic Panic? Heaven’s no.

2 stars for Satanic Panic

What Did Satan Make you do Recently That you Regretted?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • Noel Penaflor7 profile imageAUTHOR

      Noel Penaflor 

      5 weeks ago from California

      Thank you very much. You do wonderful work as well.

    • NessMovieReviews profile image

      Mother of Movies and Series Reviews 

      5 weeks ago from Moreton Bay, Queensland

      Mohawk in on Netflix. Ted wrote (with co writers) and directed it.

      I like what you did here though, keep up the good work.

    • Noel Penaflor7 profile imageAUTHOR

      Noel Penaflor 

      5 weeks ago from California

      No, I haven't

    • NessMovieReviews profile image

      Mother of Movies and Series Reviews 

      5 weeks ago from Moreton Bay, Queensland

      But did you see Mohawk?

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)