Sean The Bachelor Ep 5: All About Tierra
Do You Like Rocks?
I Wore This Ugly Shirt For You...Please Love Me
You’re Really Ah-Mazing
So I need a lot of things in this life, like food, water, world peace, but I sure do not need FOUR hours of The Bachelor in one week. Sorry, that’s just a fact of life. Four hours of a half-naked Chris Harrison running in slow motion…that’s another story.
But I digress—the governor of Montana is the cousin of the president of ABC*, so we were all treated to a 2-hour commercial for the Big Sky State. Lindsay was first up for a one-on-one helicopter ride to Romanceland. In honor of their exotic locale, she donned her best lumberjack shirt and did her best impression of someone who is semi-interesting.
Sean and Lindsay’s date scored very high on the Boring Meter. Once again, they talked about her being an Army brat and she dropped the word “amazing” as much as humanly possible. Their “private” concert was attended by the entire town and Sean’s out-of-mouth tongue kissing. Talk about intimate.
Sean seems to really like Lindsay. Maybe that’s because they are the same brand of vanilla.
*It could be true, but it’s probably not.
How Do I Work This Contraption?
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Giddy-up Little Doggies
For the group date, Sean took the ladies out into the wilderness of Montana to compete in the 16th Annual Relay Race For Affection. It was kind of like summer camp meets a very poor man’s Fear Factor. They had to drink goat’s milk, which <according to these nimrods> is disgusting. Ever had goat cheese, princesses? It’s delicious. I could understand the squirminess if they had to drink something crazy like bat milk…. (I’d like to see someone milk a bat—now that’s a challenge).
The most embarrassing part was the canoe race. It was like these girls have never seen a boat, or even an episode of Popeye. They must have been out there for hours trying to figure out how to paddle. Here’s what’s annoying about that: Sean clearly loves outdoors stuff. Why did they set him up with a bunch of high-maintenance foo-foos who have never stepped outside without fake lashes and 6-inch heels? There’s nothing wrong with spending 3 hours on your hair every day and only being able to talk about makeup/The Real Housewives, but you probably aren’t the girl for Sean.
One team tried a little harder and got lucky during the boat “race,” and the other team got sent back to the cabin to sulk. Their cry time didn’t last long, as Sean didn’t like the rules of the game and brought the losers back to join the date. Of course, nobody was happy and we learned that when Selma gets angry, she talks out of one side of her mouth. Terrifying.
Then everybody cried and I had to hit the fast forward button.
Surprise...I'm Here to Murder You!
2-On-1 Smack Down
Tierra, who learned she had a two-on-one date the following day, decided she couldn’t wait to see Sean, so she robbed someone of their blue shirt (not sure why that was necessary) and ran off to disrupt the group date. Sean did not know what to do when she showed up, so he pulled her aside for a chat. Falling into his broken bird pattern, he defended Tierra as being sensitive instead of seeing her for the raging sociopath that she is.
The next day, Tierra had a showdown with Jackie on a horse-riding dating. Jackie revealed that Tierra flirted with someone at the airport on her way to The Bachelor. Sadly, this information was no match for Tierra’s sad story about her former boyfriend’s addiction problems. When Tierra told Sean that her boyfriend had been in and out of rehab, he asked “drug and alcohol rehab?” What kind of question is that? No bike riding rehab, genius.
In a confusing turn of events, Sean told Tierra that she hasn’t lived up to his expectations of the first night, but then sent Jackie home. In her parting words, Jackie cryptically warned Sean that Tierra is a mess and to be careful. Sean doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb, and Jackie should have spelled it out for him P-S-Y-C-H-O. (I can hear Whoopi Goldberg’s voice saying “Sean, you in danger girl” a la Ghost…am I alone? That’s ok.) Oh well, hopefully he’ll learn that on his own.
Overwhelming Cocktails on The Tierra Show
After surviving the two-on-one, the pre-rose ceremony party turned into a bad episode of The Tierra Show. Sean was having a great time with Desiree, until she questioned his decision to keep Tierra around. He spent the rest of the night defending the T-Monster at every turn.
Interestingly, the only person Sean seemed to trust in the situation was Lesley. He sought out her opinion of Tierra. However, nobody could give him any specific evil deeds committed by the Tierrorist, which fuh-strated Sean to no end. How ‘bout the fact that she used the word “pity” instead of “petty”? The girl can’t even form words correctly!
Sean left the rose ceremony feeling confused and dejected. Millions of viewers left the episode with strained oculars from rolling their eyes at Tierra’s antics and poor grammar. Everybody’s a loser.
“The girls are going to literally die when we show up.”—Daniella
“What the heck?”—Tierra (her universal response)