The Sexiest Female Chefs On The Food Network
I like gravy. Oh sure, I like the kind that starts with a roux – equal parts butter and flour – slowly browned till golden, and then the milk or stock or wine or pan drippings or whatever added and reduced to a silky consistency, perhaps finished with a pat of butter and served glistening over our favorite foods. But in this case we're making the sweetest cream gravy and serving it over the sexiest female chefs on The Food Network, good enough to eat, their cooking that is, and a feast for the eyes as well.
I offer no apologies for those I have included, but do offer some for those I have not. Who am I after all to decide who is in and who is out? I am no one, just a fan, not even a foodie, but an enthusiastic cook and completely male. I offer no apologies for that either. I am limited by space, and regret my exclusion of Cat Cora, the Iron Chef, a warrior and magnificent. So stunned am I by her skill that I have failed to think of her in that way, but promise to in the future. I am also regretful not to have included Robin Miller, who I find imminently attractive and comfortable and, unfortunately, reminiscent of my mother, and the whole Oedipus thing freaks me out. Some too may object to my exclusion of Sandra Lee. I'm sure she has many admirers. Shoot, if life was fair I'd include Suzie Fogelson, Food Network VP of Marketing and Sexiness and Judge on The Next Food Network Star, but she's not a chef, I don't think, so that might be pushing it.
No, these choices are mine and mine alone, so I've picked these six, with their charm, grace and knife-wielding skills for that exciting element of danger and dash of spice that intoxicates me. Do one of them a kindness and the pleasure will be returned to you ten thousand times. Do one of them wrong and they'll sauté your rotten heart in the soured wine of bad love. But they wouldn't do that, not to me, never, for they are sweet, succulent, and nectarish , and I have been completely charmed by them, sent lustily whirling in a salad spinner. In my deepest dreams, when I walk into the kitchen of my fantasy restaurant, that picture up there is what my sous chefs look like. Well, I said it was a dream. If that was really the case, screw the restaurant, let's go party!
So enjoy this feast of the Sexiest Female Chefs on the Food Network. It's your appetizer, entree', and dessert all rolled into one...or six. And with six, you get mighty big eggroll.
First on the forbidden menu is Claire Robinson, enticing, French-trained chef of 5 Ingredient Fix, her exotic good looks and sweet nature capture you like a good mystery novel. She says she's multi-ethnic, and so she must be, for one ethnicity could not contain Ms. Robinson. There is a familiarity about her, as though she's your very best friend and most passionate lover who would be as magnificent in the boudoir as in a Chelsea bar drinking Checker Cab Ale and pounding down shots of Jack – reminiscent of her Memphis days. As you discuss the relative merits of a buerre blanc sauce versus a buerre rouge sauce, her sudden smile would accentuate her prominent cheekbones in the smoky light as her lusty eyebrows got that sly look that said it was time to go home for her special night cap. Lead the way, Ms. Robinson, for you have mysteries I have yet to uncover.
The south-of-the-border beauty Marcela Valladolid brings the initiated the spicy, authentic flavors of Mexico with their characteristic heat and deep richness that we have come to associate with Mexico...and her food's not bad either. As host of Mexican Made Easy, you'll find yourself full and satisfied by her easy charm and bubbly attitude. She just seems like fun, dammit, and you'll be as drunk as a Tijuana tourist and as crazy as a loco weed-eating burro on her indescribable good looks and the forbidden promise of this beautiful woman. If only Marcella was as easy as her recipes. I don't wish to downplay her training either. Growing up in a family of chefs, she went on to study at Los Angeles Culinary Institute and if that's not enough for you arrogant philistines, she graduated from the Ritz Escoffier Cooking School in Paris. But there is this: Why, oh why has she been relegated to the dead zone of 8:30 AM on Saturday mornings when all good Mexican Pumpkins are still snug in their vegetable beds sleeping off their tequila Friday? Please, Ms. Fogelson, V.P. of Marketing and Hotness, give this beauty her due: Invite her to the new time slot dance where her remarkable beauty can be savored by all. You may not know what to do with her, but I do. Oh, I sure do.
The Roman-born, raven haired beauty, Giada De Laurentiis , aka The Queen of Cleavage (I swear, you seldom see her on her show, Everyday Italian, without her substantial cleavage exposed..not that I'm complaining) has become a Food Network icon. Her deep Mediterranean good looks and culinary knowledge have taken her very far indeed and made her the poster girl for hormone-frenzied foodophiles everywhere. As you both lounge on the Italian Riviera – if you were the lucky one - you could dive into her deep blue eyes as refreshing as a dip in the Gulf of Genoa, her olive-oil skin, sweet and fruity, glistening in the sun as you towel her dry you imagine, and later you will sample her cuisine and her femininity. Isn't dreaming a wonderful thing? I wish the Food Network would let us dream more instead of her excessive overexposure (and I'm not talking about her cleavage.) Her show – or shows – are on ad nauseum and you, Food Network, are in serious danger of making us tire of her. Don't. Pull back a little. Give the lady a break. In the meantime, I'll be dreaming.
Former member of the Air Force, Sunny Anderson will fly into your conscious and your heart. Her “down to earth” attitude and style make you feel as though you have known her your whole life. The girl, to put it bluntly, is huggable and more, fun to be with and fun to play with. I can imagine a snowy night in Brooklyn, the blanket of virgin snow having chased the cabs and traffic away for a short reprieve, and us, next to a gentle fire with a hot coco and hotter libido, and much, much more than a reflection of the fire in our eyes. There is beauty everywhere if you will but look for it, and if you see the deep down beauty of Sunny, she will see it in you, and then you will be a king, top of the mountain, enveloped by her substantial goodness, languorous in her feminine pulchritude. And satisfied, my friend, imminently, thoroughly, richly satisfied.
You can hardly write about female chefs on the Food Network without including Rachael Ray. I remember our first time, the first time I saw her, that is, on her show, 30 Minute Meals. She was cute and bubbly and adorable and...well, other things. This was before the unfortunate franchise of Rachael began. The horrid talk show, then the absurd $40 Dollars A Day, and now there's some show with her husband, who's the last person we want to see. No, no, friends, pay no attention to these blemishes on Rachael's enticing derriere. The talk show will horrify you, the $40 Dollars a Day will only teach you that she's a lousy tipper, and the other will only remind you that she's taken. Stick with the original, for that is what she is, original. And she can be sexy too, as sexy as she wanna be, and she can do a lot more to you in 30 minutes than prepare you a meal. Douse her in EVO and have a delicious sammy!
With her Italian-American and French upbringing, Aida Mollenkamp learned how to cook at a very early age, and as a graduate of Le Cordon Bleu Paris, she has the Diplôme to back it up. But enough about her cooking chops, because this is about her savoir faire, her grace and beauty, and she's got it by the bucketful. Her fashion model beauty is stunning, and a smile from her is a promise made by heaven, an acknowledgment that all is well with the world and the planets are indeed aligned. But the question raises itself again: Does the Food Network just not know what to do with a truly extraordinary beauty? Do they just stand there and stammer, tongue-tied as they stare at the floor, too terrified to ask her to dance? First they saddle her with that stupid premise of her show, Ask Aida, and then give her a nerd computer geek sidekick and wonder why she isn't more popular. (Never mind the premise was actually the idea of a losing contestant on The Next Food Network Star.) And now she has been bussed to the new sister channel, The Food Channel. Aw, for heaven's sake, have a ticker tape parade for her in Manhattan. Promote her. Welcome her to New York. The city, and America will embrace her. Her loveliness demands it.
They say that we begin eating with our eyes, and these rare beauties prove it, for we have already feasted long before we've even gotten to the main course. And dessert, that sweetest of confections, no matter it's form or substance, as long as it's delicious and beautiful, is only a dream away. An exciting, enticing, satiating dream. And that is a promise that these lovely ladies can keep.