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Shortage of Tofu, Gluten-Free Bagels, and Almond-Encrusted Swordfish Due to Approaching Weather
Residents are bracing for the incoming bad weather, and food shortages are causing panic everywhere. Folks are stocking up for the two-day storm, and the pickings at the grocery store are getting thin.
Crowds of angry patrons are fighting over the remaining "health food" section of the store, with items like gluten-free breads and cereals long gone, with no reserves in sight.
We interviewed local grocery store manager, Bronson Rice, about the unrest:
“I have no idea why people are saying we are out of food. Just look at the shelves! They're jam-packed with Ding Dongs, doughnuts, and cheap hot dogs. I don’t understand it; I saw two soccer moms battling over the last box of Envirokidz Peanut Butter Puffs, and I was like 'ladies, there is a whole shelf of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch right over there.' It’s the same exact stuff for half the price. The women just called me a New World Order sheep and told me to have fun eating my GMO wheat. I finally had to get security to come over and pull them apart. It’s getting really crazy in here; I can’t wait for this storm to be over.”
Fights in the cereal aisle carried over to the "dairy" section. A lone stock boy, Darryl Perry, stood on a milk box, angrily looking over an agitated group of shoppers:
“For the last time, you bunch of hippies, we don’t have any raw milk, organic milk, organic butter, or even goat cheese sour cream. We also ran out of all the fake milk, too! No almond, soy, rice, or even hemp milk. I’m sorry you damn hipsters didn’t plan better, so just stop asking.”
Shopper Brian Hagen looked confused as he stood mid-aisle, searching for a Tofurky for his dinner. With his hipster beard unkempt, and fedora askew on his head, Hagen grumbled, “How am I expected to eat? This storm will keep me trapped for days--days, I tell you--and with no Tofurky for my nourishment, I will surely die!”
Ian Freeman, spokesman for the Genetically Modified Food Association, contacted us about the issue via email:
“We are greatly discouraged, and confused, about the situation unfolding at regional grocery stores. What shoppers don't seem to understand is we make all of the food: organic, genetically modified, all of it. There is no difference except for packaging. With that said, we encourge shoppers to calm down and grab a pack of hot dogs. They have the same nutritional value as the tofu dogs, which, actually are a mix of chicken lips and tofu. We apologize for any confusion.”
Hours later, the situation turned dangerous as a group of skinny men wearing goatees and biker shorts stormed the store. They barricaded themselves in front Amy’s frozen pizzas and formed a human chain. One of them rode in his reclined bicycle that had a two-wheeled cart attached. Some of the men turned and quickly loaded the cart with as much vegetarian frozen meals as it would hold.
Voice-over artist Mary Kraft told us what she saw: “They acted like they were escorting a hostage out of Iraq. The beatniks all surrounded the guy on that manly bike and escorted it to the self-checkout. They made quick work of the frozen vegan enchilladas and eggrolls. Although I never understood how vegans can eat egg rolls. They do realize the word egg is in the title, right? Anyway, I've got to go and get these kale chips to the checkout before I get lynched.”
Food Shortage Causes Buyers to Purchase Everything in the Store
Fights Break Out
The situation continued to grow all the uglier. We witnessed an all-out brawl in the "meat" section as the workers put out the last bit of trendy fish, overpriced and with a name nobody has ever heard of, let alone could pronounce.
Both women and men threw elbows, hitting each other with faux-leather purses, carried by the men, and hand-made croquet bags adorning each woman's arm. Once the yelling, punching, and bloody noses subsided, a clear victor, complete with crimson smile, emerged.
Can You Survive 2 Days Without Almond Milk?
Kianne Bolt bent over and as she caught her breath said, “I knew I was going to get that damn fish. I need it more than the rest of them. I’m having the women’s group over from church and I couldn’t do that unless I got this. The theme of the Bible study is how to be more judgmental to others. How can I do that if I don’t cook something fancy that they’ve never seen or heard of before? You have to ask yourself, 'What would Jesus do in my situation?' I think he’d rub their noses in it, that’s what I think.”
One fact is certain: people might starve to death in this two-day storm. Stock up and don’t’ let yourself become a statistic. The risk of bodily harm is worth it to avoid having to eat the slightly older food in your refrigerator or some older, rancid cans of soup. As this reporter signs off to go battle for Annie’s gluten-free mac and cheese, I just want to share this somber post from Chris Baumann: “Out of bread and milk. Tell my family I love them and I had a good life.”