Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Insults
People love to try to get your goat. Maybe you made a mistake, or maybe you just happen to be in someone's way. Maybe you rub them the wrong way, or maybe you rub them the right way and they don't want to admit it.
That's okay. Don't let them get to you. When somebody insults you, come back with one of my snappy answers:
- Insult: "You're a jerk!"
- Comeback: "Noun or verb?"
- Insult: "Loser!"
- Comeback: "Umpire!"
- Insult: "You have no class!"
- Comeback: "You are no teacher!"
- Insult: "Get a life."
- Comeback: "Get a death."
- Insult: "You have no friends."
- Comeback: "I have no problems."
- Insult: "You smell."
- Comeback: "You see."
- Insult: "You're a worm."
- Comeback: "You're humus."
- Insult: "Drive much?"
- Comeback: "Sorry, sir. The chauffeur was off today."
- Insult: "You're stupid."
- Comeback: "As an abstract concept?"
- Insult: "You have no idea what you're doing!"
- Comeback: "You have no idea what I'm doing, either!"
- Insult: "You don't know what you're talking about!"
- Comeback: "That's not fair. I know what you're talking about."
- Insult: "You're ridiculous!"
- Comeback: "I'm unique."
- Insult: "You're incompetent."
- Comeback: "How can you tell?"
- Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"
- Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."
- Insult: "You're a fool!"
- Comeback: "No fooling?"
- Insult: "Your writing sucks."
- Comeback: "Well, I guess you read it, eh?"
The "Comeback" as Diplomacy
Humor is a great tool for deflecting or deflating anger. The trick, in this comeback scenario my twisted little mind has created, is to say something inoffensive, yet funny. It is a fine line. Humor can always go two ways. Lots of things are like that; some people are, too.
When you use a snappy comeback there are a couple of advanced techniques you can use to help make sure your retort goes the way you want it to go. First, make eye contact to ensure you have your victim's attention. Then, smile! This is supposed to be fun. That's why it's called "funny:" because there's fun in it, hopefully. Now, when you deliver the comeback, have a little comic lilt in your voice. Come on, now, lilt with me. You can do it.
Choose Your Words Carefully
A few pointers.
- Know your audience.
- If you don't know your audience, temper your words. For example, avoid profanity unless you know it will not offend. The same holds true to insults directed at family members. Some will laugh, others will get angry.
- Keep your tone light. Deliver your counter-insult with a velvet glove. Make it clear that your goal is humor.
Be Prepared for the Counter-punch
They may have a comeback for your comeback - and that's okay. Some people just have to have the last word. That's their problem; don't make it yours.
Be smooth. If they come back with more anger, change your tone. Be concerned. Anger is suffering. Let them know it was not your intention to make them angry.
"I thought we were just having some friendly banter. No offense intended."
And, worst case, if they insist on being angry, don't join them. Anger consumes a lot of energy. They are sure to tire eventually.
If their comeback is better than yours, be sure to laugh. That's what it's all about.