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Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Insults

Updated on February 26, 2014

People love to try to get your goat. Maybe you made a mistake, or maybe you just happen to be in someone's way. Maybe you rub them the wrong way, or maybe you rub them the right way and they don't want to admit it.

That's okay. Don't let them get to you. When somebody insults you, come back with one of my snappy answers:

  • Insult: "You're a jerk!"
  • Comeback: "Noun or verb?"
  • Insult: "Loser!"
  • Comeback: "Umpire!"
  • Insult: "You have no class!"
  • Comeback: "You are no teacher!"
  • Insult: "Get a life."
  • Comeback: "Get a death."
  • Insult: "You have no friends."
  • Comeback: "I have no problems."
  • Insult: "You smell."
  • Comeback: "You see."
  • Insult: "You're a worm."
  • Comeback: "You're humus."
  • Insult: "Drive much?"
  • Comeback: "Sorry, sir. The chauffeur was off today."
  • Insult: "You're stupid."
  • Comeback: "As an abstract concept?"
  • Insult: "You have no idea what you're doing!"
  • Comeback: "You have no idea what I'm doing, either!"
  • Insult: "You don't know what you're talking about!"
  • Comeback: "That's not fair. I know what you're talking about."
  • Insult: "You're ridiculous!"
  • Comeback: "I'm unique."
  • Insult: "You're incompetent."
  • Comeback: "How can you tell?"
  • Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"
  • Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."
  • Insult: "You're a fool!"
  • Comeback: "No fooling?"
  • Insult: "Your writing sucks."
  • Comeback: "Well, I guess you read it, eh?"

Other hubs by Tom:

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    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 2 years ago from United States

      Nice. That's right, if you're going to be something, be the most important part of it. Keep up the good work, there, pal.

    • profile image

      Gavin 2 years ago

      I have a better I've for you're an a**h**e

      I'd rather be an a**h**e than the whole a**

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 3 years ago from United States

      Nice stuff, Katz. Love to get some play.

      1. A grown person eating Rice Krispies - that's just too funny. I can't beat that.

      2. I don't know my age because they invented numbers after I was born.

      3. Daddy!

      4. Not your monkeys? I think we need some DNA testing.

      5. I'm not offended either - we must be related! Daddy!!

    • profile image

      Cat 3 years ago

      1 Ha, I've heard snappier comebacks just by eating a bowl of rice krispies

      2 I would ask how old you are but you probably can't count that high

      3 you ain't no ones fool, so let's put you up for adoption

      4 not my circus not my monkeys

      5 being offended is a choice and I chose not to be offended so your words are clearly no match fool!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 3 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Katlyn! It is very difficult to make a snappy comeback to a compliment. Hey, I think that might be one! Thanks again.

    • profile image

      Katlyn 3 years ago

      These are amazing! I'm not usually good with comebacks and this stuff is just the material I'm looking for. Thanks!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 4 years ago from United States

      "... too comy (amusing, laugh provoking) to use..." you say? You needn't feel that way. Even a sad and boring person like you can use my comy prose if you like. Be my guest. :D

    • profile image

      johnsmithismyname 4 years ago

      all of these are just to corny to use, thanks for trying tho....

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 4 years ago from United States

      I think I would say something like, "Clearly my face is fertilizer for your imagination. I am glad you are grateful for it."

    • profile image

      Anthony Etienne 4 years ago

      my friend

      insult: ure face look like stool

      comeback: wa doh come out of you bum chin

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 4 years ago from United States

      Nice! Or,

      "You and me, we're gonna go."

      "No thanks. I think I'll stay. It's kind of nice here."

    • profile image

      Anhony Etienne 4 years ago

      here's one

      insult: u want beef

      comeback: nah i am a vegetarian

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 4 years ago from United States

      You honor me :)

    • profile image

      zaynmaliklover 4 years ago

      These r cool

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      My replies:

      "I understand and respect your desire to make my face look like yours."

      "If I were a kiddie pool, you would be a bacteria longing in vain to be allowed in."

    • profile image

      ChessBabe 5 years ago

      If your face was on fire, I would stomped it out, and that would be an improvement

      If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie pool.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Hula Girl! :)

    • profile image

      Hula girl 123 5 years ago

      Funny

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Those are both awesome! Thanks, Trollston!

    • profile image

      Trollston 5 years ago

      @tom Better one:

      Should I take that as an insult or a tip?

    • profile image

      Trollston 5 years ago

      Insult: Get a life!

      Comeback: I'm a gamer; I have lots of lives.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      That is a tough one. Let's see...

      "You're pretty, but your cousin is prettier than you."

      "Really? I was just thinking how much prettier she is than you! We think alike!"

    • profile image

      Chopstick 5 years ago

      Hi! Awesome list there. Need some witty reply/comeback help. I have a friend who just commented that my cousin is very pretty and that I look like her, but she is prettier. She's the number 1, while I'm number 2 she said. I admit my cousin is really pretty and I love her. I just hate it when someone compares you and says it to your face.

    • profile image

      sukhit 5 years ago

      gutum yiyin

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      To your first response I would reply, "If I leave you alone, how will you know if I shut up or not?"

      To your second response I would say, "But how do you manage to play ping-pong?"

      Otherwise I would say your responses would be very effective ;)

    • profile image

      Baseball 426 5 years ago

      I get all my comebacks from my dad such as " just shut up and leave me alone." and then I just walk away. If that just doesn't work, I'd say" hey I'd would like to go back and forth like this, but I'd be wasting time."

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      ... and lived to tell the tale! Fantastic. :)

    • profile image

      legs2 5 years ago

      hood advice i used all ready on my brothers

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Seriously. :)

    • jessica.written. profile image

      jessica.written. 5 years ago from Flagstaff, Arizona

      haha such a joker

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Wait! I can be as negative as the next guy! JK. :)

    • jessica.written. profile image

      jessica.written. 5 years ago from Flagstaff, Arizona

      SO good. taking negative and making them look foolish by being clever and positive :) loved it

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, and a good one, too!

      But I would retort, "Yes. How am I doing?" :)

    • Tom Koecke profile image

      Tom Koecke 5 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

      Are you trying to be an [idiot, a$$h0!e, jerk] or does it come naturally?

      Great hub and comments!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      It has drawn a crowd. Thanks for stopping by, Sachini!

    • profile image

      sachini 5 years ago

      Oh My Gosh! this is Histerical! It is awesom. I love this damn website.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Nice. Quick wit, there, JT! :)

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Ashley, I guess I would look really disappointed and say, "Aw, darn. Are you sure?"

    • profile image

      J.Turner 5 years ago

      My Grandfather wanted to get married once more and most of my family members were against it. The conversation goes like this:

      I would say: "Well, age is nothing but a number..."

      My smartass brother: "Yeah in granpa's case, a big, big number."

      Then Grandpa comes and shocks everyone, "Well woman did always prefer it big..."

      And then another time when my colleague though it funny to pull me down in front of a group of girls.

      "Hey J, I seen apes with more pretty arses than your face."

      I would reply, "I'm glad you attended your family reunion!"

      That day went pretty smoothly afterwards...

    • profile image

      Ashley 5 years ago

      Soo sorry I meant to say tongue the phone corrected me

    • profile image

      Ashley 5 years ago

      My friend uses this comeback on me when I stick my young out at her she says no thanks I use toilet paper how do I counter that

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      I would probably say something like, "Yes, she is really, really kind. She actually found something nice to say about you one time, I think."

    • profile image

      tikitiki 5 years ago

      See,this is the situation-

      ME(To one of my friend's compliment to my pic ,which is :Well, i'm not surprised)--Aren't you kind?...:)

      Other annoying friend of mine := Yes,she is!

      What do you think my comeback should be Tom?

      P.S-I'm thinking of replying with this-'I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.'

      I want something better.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Short? I'm sorry. Would you like to help me be longer?

      Can I close your door? I don't know. Sounds complicated.

    • profile image

      Ed 5 years ago

      Office fun... Can you close my door and be on the other side of it...

    • profile image

      Carisse21 5 years ago

      what if someone calls you short?

    • Cookies are bliss profile image

      Cookies are bliss 5 years ago from I know this one, um......don't tell me...

      Anytime.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      I think I was talking and then someone used that one on me! Thank you, Cookies!

    • Cookies are bliss profile image

      Cookies are bliss 5 years ago from I know this one, um......don't tell me...

      Friend was given credit to this.

      Person: blahblahblah so this happened and blahblah I wasn't able to make it in time blahblah (excuses excuses)

      You: *sneeze/cough* I'm sorry, I'm just allergic to BULLSHIT! :b

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      The best comeback is to look at them tolerantly as if they are a two year old. The second best comeback is to laugh at them laughing at you. The third best comeback is to say, "Yay! My comedy routine is a hit!"

    • profile image

      mikaap 5 years ago

      what if someone is laughing at you??

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, I am so glad you enjoyed! A good comeback can make your antagonist think. Oooh, they hate that. :)

    • profile image

      vanessa-anne george ♥♥♥ 5 years ago

      lol this is hilarious!!! how do you come up with these?

      and the a$$hol3 one is perfect!!!! thx sooo much!

      (my sister always calls me that and i dunno wut to say so i just ignore)

      once again thx :)

    • profile image

      funnygirl 5 years ago

      yeah i usually do that too but i have alot of jokes but barely any mama jokes so i coming up with them

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Very nice. I'll have to dump these - excuse me, I mean add these to my collection :)

      Thank you!

    • profile image

      Eron:) 5 years ago

      Me and my uncle have always had comeback wars since I was old enough to talk, my family have always said i'm to smart for my own good a few i use fit for any occasion:

      I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

      I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

      What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

      You! Off my planet!

      I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

      Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

      Do I look like a people person to you?

      Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

      Who crapped in your cornflakes?

      I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.

      When did you decide i cared about your opiniun?

      I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.

      Go jump off the world

      I have loads more but its hard to think of neutral jokes:L

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      That's pretty funny, funnygirl. The moms game usually ends up vile, so I usually stick out my lower lip and say, "You know, I never had a mom." That usually shuts them down.

    • profile image

      funnygirl 5 years ago

      I love what you wrote it makes me want to insult ppl more lol jk jk

      Dont you hate when someone says your mom all the time here's a comeback"My mom is a nune she told me she saw yours on a couner on the street she tried to help her but thy wasn't enough change to do it."

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      You and your sister have a special relationship. I have that with my younger sister, too. We love to laugh. Now, since we are more than a thousand miles apart, we perhaps laugh less - which is too bad by any standard, I think.

      My favorite of the ones you shared: "Earth is full. Go home." :)

    • profile image

      Rae 5 years ago

      Me and my sister have little comeback wars all the time, to keep us sharp for a real life incident. Unfortunately, until recently, all we had were lame animal comments. For example, my sister has a hook-ish kind of nose, so I would respond to her ugly comments by calling her a toucan. It worked for a while, but then got old. . . She broke the pattern by looking up "How to make witty remarks" so now im making a list of good one I hear and find. This list went right on it, Thanks so much! and PS, these are a few I found someone might be able to use.

      Well theres a clever answer

      "Well, I'm now thoroughly convinced of your ignorance in the matter."

      do you want to lie down? You look stressed. . .

      Sorry I can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.

      Let's see, I've walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping and gossiped with my friends...Nope, this list doesn't say that I'm required to talk to you.(good with a sibling or family)

      Earth is full. Go home.

      Cancel my subscriptions ... I'm tired of your issues.

      I am not anti-social..I just don't like you

      “We are so alike in some ways, aren’t we?” (This witty comeback is particularly effective if someone has made an insulting remark about your weight.)

      Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

      He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

      sorry for the long post!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States

      Too funny, too funny :)

    • profile image

      I love Justin Bieber 5 years ago

      *giggles* I'm gonna marry this Tom guy.. Jkayss.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      Nice material, Hugh J'. I'll have to use the next time I'm alone. :D

    • profile image

      hugh jass 6 years ago

      what's the diffrence between your mum and a killer whale?

      about 20 pounds!

    • profile image

      hugh jass 6 years ago

      you remind me of that fat italian guy from kick-ass

      i think you'r mistaken, i am the fat italian guy from kick-ass

    • profile image

      hugh jass 6 years ago

      you'r mum is a poopy-bum-head

      YOU'R MUM

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      That's an easy one.

      Insult: "You're so aggressive!"

      Comeback: "Shut up and get out of my way!"

    • Annie Aneesch profile image

      Annie Aneesch 6 years ago from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

      dear Tom..

      what'd be the comeback of Insult: aggressive ....?

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      No! YOU are!

      Thank you :)

    • profile image

      Katlyn 6 years ago

      haha these are awesome!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      Thank you! That's a good one

    • profile image

      jmax 6 years ago

      very funny jokes fav 1 is i'm busy can i ignore you some other time?

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      Hey, I've got competition. :)

    • profile image

      Noa B 6 years ago

      My 2 favorite come backs:

      1. "You are so stupid"

      "Well unlike you, atleast I have a brain"

      2. "Your fat"

      "Well when you go near the ocean the whales start singing 'We are family'"

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      That's an easy one.

      "No... still."

    • profile image

      joe 6 years ago

      How about one for "Wrong......again"? and it's coming from a holy roller

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      I resemble that remark.

      Good one!

    • profile image

      madaline Paulsen 6 years ago

      insult: your ugly

      comeback: quit talking to yourself.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      Beats getting angry. Anyway it's good to be controversial! Thank you

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

      •Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"

      •Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."

      I wish I didn't have to admit that this one will come in handy for me on numerous occasions. Great hub.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States

      The "Suggest Link" tool is a handy one. Thank you!

    • SamboRambo profile image

      Samuel E. Richardson 6 years ago from Salt Lake City, Utah

      I found you by pushing the 'suggest links' button. You're now linked from my own hub named "Become Quick-witted Overnight."

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
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      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Sure, Jmame. If you link back to the original I would appreciate it. :)

    • profile image

      Jmame 7 years ago

      Okay these are so funny ! Can i post them too ?

      What i tent to use is 'save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date'

      lol x

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Something could help you, MW? JK.

      Post all ya want, Tinklebell.

      "So's your mom" works good too, unless you're disrespecting a sibling. Then it is mechanically unsound.

    • profile image

      Izzy 7 years ago

      Personally I think saying "So's Your Face" after any direct insult like "You're ugly.", is pretty effective.

    • profile image

      tinklebell 7 years ago

      do you mind if i post those comebacks on fb? coz i'd love 2! and i am.. so.. if you don't.. urm.. sozzy. i'll post ur name soo you can get the watcha ma call it... the.... the.... the... well. people know its u. :D

    • profile image

      MW 7 years ago

      This will help me

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

      Precious. Truly precious. Thank you.

    • profile image

      KrisseGirl 7 years ago

      Here are a few of my own favs!

      1. I'm busy, can I ignore you some other time?

      2. Shock me, say something intellengent (or keep talking, you might say something intellenget one day!)

      3. Hello there! Did somebody leave your cage door open?

      4. I'd call you an idiiot, but that'd be an insult to all stupid people.

      5. Hi! I'm a human, what are you?

      6. Can I ask you a question? (Suuure...) As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

      7. Are you always this arigent (stupid, mean, annoying, ect.) or are you making a speicl effort today??

      8. I do whatever my rice kryspcs tell me to do...

      9. I refuse to have a battle of wits with the un-armed!

      10. You're just jealous because the vioces are talking to me

      11. I'll try to be nicer when you try to be smarter!

      12. I see you've set aside that specil time to annoy me (or humliate yourself in public, lol!)

      13. He deosn't know the meaning of fear... but then again he doesn't know the meani ng of a lot of words...

      I really hope this helps! Also, I make falsh cards to help me remember them, seriosly! Now everyone thinks I'm quick and witty!

      Krissie

    • profile image

      ryan 7 years ago

      thos are dumb, There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize your like that with coming up with retarded come backs

    • profile image

      Sumer 7 years ago

      haha freaking awesome nice one :)

    • Michael Shane profile image

      Michael Shane 7 years ago from Gadsden, Alabama

      That's some good stuff!

    • profile image

      Caitlinn.x 7 years ago

      Right, if someone ever calls you a bitch, reply saying

      "A bitch is a dog, dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are a part of nature and nature is BEAUTIFUL, so thanks"

      Works everytime ;D

    • profile image

      naomi 7 years ago

      it really helped me to read your list

    • profile image

      hilary 7 years ago

      Lol! you're brilliant.

    • brightforyou profile image

      Helen 7 years ago from Florida

      snigger, snigger... some good ones here Tom ~ thanks!

    • profile image

      7 years ago

      insult from a man :

      Nice shirt, does it come in men sizes ?

      Why ? looking for a present for your boyfriend ?

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 8 years ago from United States

      My personal fave:

      "You have no class!"

      "You are no teacher!"

    • profile image

      Am I dead, yet? 8 years ago

      "you have no friends--I have no problems" pure classic!