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Some things to laugh at

Updated on November 8, 2013

just hangin' around

What the hell, cry anyway

Things to Laugh At

So I was thinking about the world today. It’s a pretty rotten place. Maybe the world is not rotten and I am the rotten one. Maybe I am not rotten, just stupid. Yup! Just stupid. Not depressed. Everyone is depressed these days. It’s the middle class affliction. Way back when, during the John Donne days, women called this condition ‘melancholia’. Men were able to experience it as well, but the women were really the receivers of this gift. Now, it’s open to everyone! Now John Donne really knew about depression. He actually began working for a self help company. He made rope.

On second thought, maybe I need some meds. Amen and Halleluiah! I need some meds. Heroin sounds great. My drug of choice is food, but that really does not do much for me. It just makes me look like I feel. Ugly.

Speaking of ugly, I remember when I was a kid and I grew up in a really rough neighborhood. Now back in the day, gangs didn't use guns per se. They used what we called zip guns. Essentially, zip guns were single shot pistols that fired enough to hurt but not enough to kill. Oh for the good old days. I digress. My neighborhood was so tough and I was so pimply faced that the gang kids would stop by the house about once a week. They would pick me up and take me to the park. They would hold me down and use my face to play connect the dots.

My sister was a deaf, mute, anorexic blind woman. Because we were poor, Christmas gifts were hard to come by. One year my sister got a special gift. What did the deaf, blind, anorexic mute kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

Why am I so angry? Why not? Everybody can be happy. The whole world knows that by fooling people into thinking that things can be better than they really are will help Wal-Mart fat cats make more money. We need THINGS! If you don’t believe me, turn on the TV. Things make you happy. Things make you young. Things make you good looking.

I've heard it said that a real friend is the one who knows that necrophilia puts the fun into funeral. I was reading about the upcoming Olympics. The story said that the reason Mexico has no Olympic team is that all the guys who can run and swim and jump have left the country.

Why be serious? Why take yourself seriously? We’re all going to die anyway so what the hell? The only hope you have is that Jesus is real. That’s the only reason I have to keep living if you want to know the truth.

My wife gets mad at me, but the reality of things is that she would be better off if I was dead. I’m just too selfish or too scared of what happens when I kick the bucket to actually take the trouble to drive off a cliff.Think of how my insurance rates would go up if I did that. Oops, not my problem. The last time I kicked the bucket I broke my foot. I couldn’t walk to the tavern for two weeks.

I was thinking about all the terrible shooting tragedies in schools and public places. The funny thing is, homicide victims NEVER talk to the police! Don’t you think it’s funny that there are so many homeless people seeing as how the stock market is at record highs? I want to smoke some of the same stuff that makes the stock market get that high. But back to homeless people. Why don't they just go home?

Our government is so great with healthcare that I wish it would be so good at getting guns off the street. I think I can help them. Here’s the deal, ATF people….. If you go raid gun shops, I bet you’ll find weapons. I am glad I am a Christian. My church doesn’t pass the plate on Sunday. They have a sign that says, “Leave your weapons at the door before you sit down. The holsters jangle when Pastor is spewing."

I am so glad that I am not a teenager any more. I know how to stop the teen age baby problem. They'll stop having sex if schools stop giving them condoms. It’s hard to buy Trojans on a minimum wage job.

What else can we laugh at? I went to the doctor last week. He told me I needed to give him a stool sample and a urine sample. I just took off my underwear and left the office.

There’s nothing new under the sun. Speaking of that, I am reinventing myself. See? I told you there was nothing new. Instead of being a success coach, I have decided to be a failure coach. I figured it was something that I was an expert at, and that I was really skilled in doing.

road kill - the recipe for success

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Stats on depression: If you can't beat 'em......

depression and suicide
economic impact of depression
who is affected by depression
30,000 suicides per year, 2/3s caused by depression
leading cause of disability in 15-44 year olds in the US
14.8 million American adults
70 billion dollars in lost time and medical costs to companies
1 in 33 children
third leading cause of death in 15-24 yer olds
1 in 8 adolescents
(Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 Jun; 62(6): 617-27) U.S. Census Bureau Population Estimates by Demographic Characteristics, 2005 Brown University Long Term Care Quarterly, 1997 World Health Organization, 2004

My latest head shot

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Submit a Comment

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

    That was truly funny, and it bothers me deeply that I thought so. LOL

    That road kill is one ugly creature. Whatever it started out being, it's better off dead. :)

  • Abundant old soul profile image

    Abundant Old Soul 4 years ago from united states

    you're sick!