Sonic Gloom

By Wes J. Pimentel

Creation as a whole is miraculous and beautiful. There are, however, certain things in nature that make you wonder what God was thinking when he made them. Furthermore, there are some things that are downright ugly. It is my contention that the human ear is the single ugliest body part in all of creation.

Now, you might be thinking, “hold on, I just saw a rhino ass on the Discovery Channel recently and damn! It was ugly.” OK, granted. Rhinos have some pretty ugly asses, but you have to consider the context. Rhinos’ bodies are almost entirely covered with armor-like flesh. They have huge heads and snouts with little beady eyes and little, stubby three-toed feet. Taken as a whole they end up being cute rather than hideous. And, so it goes for the rest of the animal kingdom. There’s a lot of crazy shit out there; angler fish, ant-eaters, snails, jellyfish, hammerheads, wild boar, hyenas… But these little ugly bastards have a lot of personality and their least attractive traits end up being endearing rather than detracting.

The human ear is a different story. What the hell?! Look at it! It’s a floppy, wrinkly flap just sitting there in the open, in broad daylight like, “what’s up?” Nothing, flesh flap. Absolutely nothing! It looks like a deformity. It looks like it was meant to be inside your body somewhere. It looks like it should’ve been one of those useless organs like an appendix or a tonsil. I mean, I’m sure it’s an acoustical marvel! I’m sure that when biologists and sound specialists study this little device they’re amazed at how effectively it conducts sound, but that does nothing for me. This is obviously a classic example of sacrificing form for function.

Have you ever wondered why it’s so traumatic for a woman you’re involved with to cut her hair short? Her facial structure hasn’t changed, her body remains intact, so what is it? Could it be that she has now exposed these two ridiculously shaped devices on the sides of her head? Maybe. Ever wonder why HalleBerry is one of the only females we’ll accept short hair from? Could it be that in order to counter-balance the hideousness of the human ear, a woman has to possess an extraordinarily unmatched level of beauty? I think so. Why are lesbians sexy while gay guys are gross? It’s the exposed ears, man!

Now, at this point you’re thinking, “hold up, guy. I think feet are hideous, and what about scrotums?!” OK, I agree. Feet can be pretty nasty, especially when it looks like you’re related to Frodo. On the other hand, feet can be attractive. I’m no foot-fetish guy, but I’ve seen a couple sets of really pretty feet. When properly manicured and possibly dressed up in the right footwear feet can be downright beautiful. Ears are beyond rescue. There is nothing you can do to it to improve its appearance. Not the prettiest earrings, not the most expensive ear-stapling surgery, not the coolest ear-stretching tribal ceremonies… Nothing.

Now, the human scrotum is right up there. Granted, structurally the human scrotum is quite possibly the most displeasing item on the human body, but again, one must consider the context. On a daily basis I’m not confronted with the grotesquely misshapen form of anyone’s scrotum. As a straight male you hardly ever see them; not even your own. Frankly, I hardly ever interact with my scrotum at all, much less inspect it. Now, if we were all walking around with a set of nuts hanging off our foreheads, I might be inclined to dethrone ears.

OK, since we’re addressing ugly body parts, I feel it’s my duty to add a special mention about the vagina. Now, like any red-blooded, heterosexual male I am head-over-heels in LOVE with vaginas. I am the president of the International Vagina Loving Committee. I practically worship the damned things, but there’s a tiny little piece of my brain that can still remain objective about them. I know if I could shut off my animalistic attraction to this orifice I would see it for what it really is; a weird set of humid skin flaps that’s prone to fungal growth and infection. Although the vagina is also right up there among other ugly body parts, remember I said that the part of my brain that can remain objective is tiny. It is impossible for me to overcome the fact that my reaction to seeing a vagina involves every part of my body (some more than others). I can’t ignore the fact that at the sight of a vagina every cell in my body becomes aroused; my senses become heightened, zero-in, and begin to scan the vagina in question to acquire as much information about it as they can receive; I will immediately start moving toward it; my mouth will water; my genital region will flood with blood; my mind will start formulating witty things to say to gain entry into said vagina. So, all things considered I cannot express any real displeasure with the appearance of the vagina. That’s what keeps it off my ugly body-parts list.

So, whether you agree completely or not, I think you have to at least concede that our ears look like handles for people with really weird hands. You’ve probably ignored this physical deficiency your whole life, but it’s time to wake up. Take a look in the mirror, look around at other people, but don’t overdo it. There’s a lot of ugly to obsess about in those little bad boys. Be careful.