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How To Be A Stalker To The Stars

Updated on October 13, 2009

If you can't get famous on your own merits, you can at least try to get a little bit of the reflected glory that comes with stardom. Stalking is a respectable and time honored tradition. Ever since there have been stars, there have been people who become obsessed with them to the point of insanity and who do their best to get as close as possible to the object of their desires.

Stalking is still any body's game these days. Essentially a stalker is just a paparazzo with a better telephoto lens, and a lot more personal lubricant in his back pack. This guide has been specially formulated from real life and movie stalker evidence to help you attain stalking success.

Being a good stalker requires:

An extraordinairy ability to masturbate in strange places

If you get the chance, you're going to have to masturbate on the bed of the star you worship. I know this is kind of gross if you think about it, but the 'masturbating on the bed' thing is pretty much a staple activity, and you won't get any stalker cred if you miss this step.

Cutting the eyes out of pictures

I personally don't at all understand why this is such a big deal amongst the stalking set, but there you have it. There is just something incredibly creepy about eyeless photos I guess. Make a nice collage out of the eyes in your spare time, this will be part of the evidence that is presented at your trial, and the sort of authentic memorabilia you will be able to flog off on E bay after you are convicted.

A lot of free time

This may seem obvious, but you have to be truly dedicated in order to be a successful stalker. If you must have a job, make it a low paying part time one. This way, when you get caught, you'll once more cast a pall over the minimum wage job industry, and make people treat food service workers and the like with a little more experience for 5 minutes at least.

A strange mannerism

Whether it's a nervous tic, a compulsion that causes you to lick your food before you eat it, or something much more original altogether, having a strange mannerism will serve you well as a trade mark over time. You don't want to appear too normal, or you risk never getting caught, and if you don't get caught, well then, you don't get any fame at all do you?

You must also be prepared to spend time in mental institutions, prisons, and the occasional press conference. Being a stalker isn't an easy calling, but it is one in which much notoriety can be gained relatively quickly. The overall standard of stalkers has decreased markedly in recent years, so a good effort at stalking could easily catapult you into the headlines, right where you want to be.

IMPORTANT: Celebrity stalking is only okay if based on a quirky personal addiction, or a desire for fame. Under no circumstances should you plan to, or desire to hurt your chosen celebrity in any way. In the long run, that's just a waste of good celebrities, and then you get the chair, which is a total career dead end.


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