ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens - *sobs into pillow*

Updated on December 25, 2015

“Last call!”

I was a little tipsy. I had been drinking for several hours, and it was getting to be very early in the morning.

“God, I can’t believe it.” I mumbled to myself, as I had over the past two hours.

“You’ve been grumbling to yourself all night, what is it?”

“It’s this movie.”

“What movie?”

“The new Star Wars.”

“What about it?”

“I liked it.”

The bartender raised one of his eyebrows. “I liked it, and I needed to hate it.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s making money. I have an ethical responsibility as a film critic to hate any movie that makes money, but I just can’t think of all that much to complain about.”

“Well, you’ve paid your tab, and you haven’t gotten in any fights, which is rare for somebody who has been drinking for six straight hours. Tell me about the movie, maybe I can help you hate it.”

“Well, its derivative, and its attempts to remind the viewers of A New Hope would make Pavlov roll his eyes.”

“Didn’t A New Hope borrow shots and plot beats from films like The Searchers and The Hidden Fortress?”


“I’m not being much help, I know. I’m sorry, continue.”

“and we’re introduced to these new characters; there's Finn played by John Boyega, Poe Dameron played by Oscar Isaac, and Rey played by Daisy Ridley. The whole time I was just sitting there looking for something to be offended by, and I just really couldn’t think of anything. These characters are diverse, they’re smart; they are mostly really likable. I just don’t get it, man, am I losing it?”

“Well, I mean, you could always take something in the movie out of context and wildly misinterpret it. The internet loves that.”


“Well, what about Rey? I know there’s a shortage of good female characters in blockbusters. Is she interesting?”

“She is really good at a lot of things, and continually makes good decisions to get her out of tough situations.”

“Well, since she’s good at things, doesn’t that technically make her a Mary Sue, and since she’s a Mary Sue, wouldn’t the way that the character is written be sexist?”

“I don’t think that’s how that works.”

“Oh, see, I don’t watch a lot of movies. I’m just spit-balling trying to come up with something for you.”

“And all of the old characters are back! Han Solo has the biggest part of the bunch, and a big part of the movie focuses on his relationships with Finn and Rey. This is the most interested Harrison Ford has looked in a movie in some time.”

The bartender sighed. We weren’t getting anywhere. “Ok, what’s this movie even about?”

“Well, this organization called the First Order has risen from the ashes of the Empire, and this guy named Supreme Leader Snoke is trying to eradicate all of the Jedi. To do so completely, they need to find Luke Skywalker, who has gone into hiding. There is a map that leads to his location that is hidden inside the droid BB-8 that contains information the resistance, led by the now General Leia, has about various former Jedi temples located across the galaxy, one of which might house Luke.”

“That sounds like it could have been developed better.”

“I assume you're just supposed to go with it (suspension of disbelief and whatnot) and there are a few plot inconsistencies like that throughout the movie.”

The bartender looked content “well, there you go. There’s something to go after the movie for.”

“You don’t understand. A flawed plot isn’t enough. I can’t find much fault with the craft of the movie, its well-directed, gorgeous to look at; and I loved almost all of the characters. And see, I am a man with principles; I am a deeply loathsome contrarian hipster and need to find a way to destroy this film on every level.”

The bartender rolled his eyes; “I don’t know what to do for you.”

“I mean, how does this make money while masterpieces like VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN are tanking?”

“Get out.”



    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)