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Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens - *sobs into pillow*

Updated on December 25, 2015

“Last call!”

I was a little tipsy. I had been drinking for several hours, and it was getting to be very early in the morning.

“God, I can’t believe it.” I mumbled to myself, as I had over the past two hours.

“You’ve been grumbling to yourself all night, what is it?”

“It’s this movie.”

“What movie?”

“The new Star Wars.”

“What about it?”

“I liked it.”

The bartender raised one of his eyebrows. “I liked it, and I needed to hate it.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it’s making money. I have an ethical responsibility as a film critic to hate any movie that makes money, but I just can’t think of all that much to complain about.”

“Well, you’ve paid your tab, and you haven’t gotten in any fights, which is rare for somebody who has been drinking for six straight hours. Tell me about the movie, maybe I can help you hate it.”

“Well, its derivative, and its attempts to remind the viewers of A New Hope would make Pavlov roll his eyes.”

“Didn’t A New Hope borrow shots and plot beats from films like The Searchers and The Hidden Fortress?”


“I’m not being much help, I know. I’m sorry, continue.”

“and we’re introduced to these new characters; there's Finn played by John Boyega, Poe Dameron played by Oscar Isaac, and Rey played by Daisy Ridley. The whole time I was just sitting there looking for something to be offended by, and I just really couldn’t think of anything. These characters are diverse, they’re smart; they are mostly really likable. I just don’t get it, man, am I losing it?”

“Well, I mean, you could always take something in the movie out of context and wildly misinterpret it. The internet loves that.”


“Well, what about Rey? I know there’s a shortage of good female characters in blockbusters. Is she interesting?”

“She is really good at a lot of things, and continually makes good decisions to get her out of tough situations.”

“Well, since she’s good at things, doesn’t that technically make her a Mary Sue, and since she’s a Mary Sue, wouldn’t the way that the character is written be sexist?”

“I don’t think that’s how that works.”

“Oh, see, I don’t watch a lot of movies. I’m just spit-balling trying to come up with something for you.”

“And all of the old characters are back! Han Solo has the biggest part of the bunch, and a big part of the movie focuses on his relationships with Finn and Rey. This is the most interested Harrison Ford has looked in a movie in some time.”

The bartender sighed. We weren’t getting anywhere. “Ok, what’s this movie even about?”

“Well, this organization called the First Order has risen from the ashes of the Empire, and this guy named Supreme Leader Snoke is trying to eradicate all of the Jedi. To do so completely, they need to find Luke Skywalker, who has gone into hiding. There is a map that leads to his location that is hidden inside the droid BB-8 that contains information the resistance, led by the now General Leia, has about various former Jedi temples located across the galaxy, one of which might house Luke.”

“That sounds like it could have been developed better.”

“I assume you're just supposed to go with it (suspension of disbelief and whatnot) and there are a few plot inconsistencies like that throughout the movie.”

The bartender looked content “well, there you go. There’s something to go after the movie for.”

“You don’t understand. A flawed plot isn’t enough. I can’t find much fault with the craft of the movie, its well-directed, gorgeous to look at; and I loved almost all of the characters. And see, I am a man with principles; I am a deeply loathsome contrarian hipster and need to find a way to destroy this film on every level.”

The bartender rolled his eyes; “I don’t know what to do for you.”

“I mean, how does this make money while masterpieces like VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN are tanking?”

“Get out.”



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