Still More Popular Movies of 2014 I Won't Be Seeing
And We're Back!
This article doesn't really lend itself to some elaborate opening that explains everything in detail. I mean, all I'm doing is reviewing movies I've never seen before. How confusing could that be? So to summarize: in Part II of this article what we're doing is taking a look at movies that will be at the top of the 2014 box office but that I also have no interest in seeing. I know, it's a weird combination, but I think it makes for an interesting article. Well, fairly interesting anyhow. Alright, without further pointless meandering let's get back to the movies!
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) -- Release Date: June 27
You know what three action movies averaged out to be pretty good? The first three Transformers movies. When I saw little Shia all grown up I smiled proudly, as I had remembered him from his Even Stevens days and knew he would become a great actor someday. This new movie stars Jack Reynor, an unknown apple-cheeked young man as Shia, or whoever Shia's character was and Nicol Peltz as Megan Fox. And apparently Michael Bay didn't think these unknown actors were enough of a draw so they added Mark Wahlberg as, I don't know.. Bumblebee.
Remember how previously I mentioned that successful trilogies should just take a break instead of running the franchise into the ground? Apparently they have such little confidence in Reynor that they cast Wahlberg as the lead and Reynor as some sort of goofy sidekick. Nicol Peltz isn't a bad-looking woman but she just turned 18, almost making me feel bad for the thoughts I will now have about her. The problem is that I keep getting older, and Hollywood stays the same age.
Fast & Furious 7 (2014) -- Release Date: July 11
I know there has been much talk about whether this movie will still be released and much flip-flopping. But current entertainment news says that indeed this movie will be released, though the date may be changed. Now, I know this may be a bit callous considering the timing, but I assure you this review would have been the same regardless. I can say with much certainty that this movie will do very well for itself considering the whole franchise has made over a Billion and a half dollars already. I did not make a typo--that's with a big, fat capital letter B.
I, personally, have never seen a single movie in this series--er wait, heptalogy/septology/septet. Apparently there's many different words for this particular -ology. However, I have seen Gone In 60 Seconds starring Nicholas Cage, and I can say with much certainty that these movies are probably pretty similar. I mean, they both have cars that go fast and people who drive them. I liked that movie though, but that was really Cage I liked more than the actual movie. There's just something about him, isn't there?
The Expendables (2014) -- Release Date: August 15
Have there really been two other The Expendables movies already? I remember when I heard about the first one and the laundry list of legendary actors who were going to star in it: from Stallone, Stathan, Li, Lundgren, and Rourke. So in the sequel they said to themselves, 'How can we possibly top the first one?', to which they realized the only possible answer would be to include Arnold Schwarzenegger--The Terminator himself. So surely for the third installment there must be another legendary action star present, right?
Well, there's Harrison Ford and Mel Gibson. Though I must admit I am curious to see how ol' Mel's been doing since Hollywood pretty much blacklisted him. Oh, and apparently he's going to play the villain. Well as long as he stays sober he should do alright. Perhaps I'm getting too old for action movies. Maybe I just need to find me a girl and settle down and watch romantic comedies. That's what you do when you're married, right?
Paranormal Activity 5 (2014) -- Release Date: October 24
I like how these two movies--Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones and Paranormal Activity 5--are book-ended on my article, one beginning it and the other finishing. And that is the only nice thing I will ever say about this series of awful horror movies. I think I am beginning to understand though, why The Marked Ones was spun-off from this--mainly because after awhile you need to either reset the numbers or create a new franchise. No one wants to see the 7th sequel of anything--except for the Halloween movies which are something of an anomaly. I would not be surprised to see something like that happen with Final Destination soon. Perhaps a spin-off movie called Final Destination: Vegas Nights where people die from gambling.. or something. I'll work on a draft and send the script to Hollywood.
Seriously though, these movies are just like that awful show on the SyFy channel, Ghost Hunters. Except that apparently there's actual ghosts in these ones. You want a good horror movie--watch Cabin in the Woods. You want the same old boring, rehashed garbage--well then, here ya go! Still, I'd prefer a nice romantic comedy to either of them.
And that's it for my review of 2014 movies I hope to never see. I know everyone has different opinions, especially on something as opinionated as movies. So if you have any comments or just want to yell at me for awhile, write it below! And go ahead and take the poll as well so we can see what movie actually is the worst.