Superhero Smackdown: Get out of Losertown!
Superhero Smack down: Get out of Losertown!
The mainstays of the High School football team's offense fifteen years ago are eating dinner together and having a good time. "Can you pass the salt?," Catman asks Fatman. As Fatman passes Catman the salt, Catman drops it. "Uh-oh," says Fatman, "I thought that you were never going to drop anything again after you dropped that one pass in the playoff game...." "Hey, that ball was overthrown slightly," replies Catman, "and maybe it would not have been overthrown if you wouldn't have missed your block..." "Hey remember that playoff game?," chimes in Not-So-Super-Man, "why don't we just agree to blame the loss on the defense....like, giving up thirteen points in one game, where's the excuse?." "Says the "star" running back who rushed for fifty yards in the whole game," Catman and Fatman reply in unison. Captain-Up-A-Creek decides to stay out of the debate, because he remembers who dropped the pass late in the fourth quarter on fourth down in the same playoff game. "Can we pick a place to eat where they serve alcohol next time?," asks Not-So-Super-Man, going to a different topic. "Dude, you should thank us for having mercy on your liver," says Fatman. "But I like the wings at the bar, too...," says Not-So-Super-Man. After a while, the only person still eating is Fatman. Catman, Not-So-Super-Man and Captain-Up-A-Creek are all full and ready to leave, but have to wait for Fatman. In the meantime, Loser-Man and Loser-Woman walk in for dinner. "Remember her?," asks Catman to Not-So-Super-Man, smirking as he points to Loser-Woman, "I'm sure glad that I turned her down when she was trying to flirt with me fifteen years and one hundred and ten pounds ago back in High School..." "Are you sure that she only put on one hundred and ten pounds since High School?," asks Not-So-Super-Man as he tries to hold back a laugh. "Hey, she didn't exactly look like a million bucks back then either," says Catman. Loser-Woman can hear all of this. However, she already lost all of her self esteem long before ever walking into the restaurant, so it doesn't hurt so bad.
As the four friends are all sitting together at the table, a man walks in with two camera men and a male gymnast. He comes to the four of them. "Hey, my name is Ned Burner, how would you folks like to be on television?," he asks them. "As long as I don't have to be in handcuffs this time," replies Catman. "See, I hear that you guys are both an extremely fat and an extremely interesting city here in Losertown," says Ned. "Finally, they are doing a study on the correlation between being fat and being interesting," says Fatman in between bites, "I knew it all along!" "So what is your TV show even about?," asks Not-So-Super-Man. "I'm making a show about this town," says Ned. At this, Fatman pauses again in between bites. "You better delete any footage you get of me not being able to make it to a bathroom," says Fatman to Mr. Burner. "Don't worry, I'm just looking for interesting or humorous footage," says Ned. "That's what I'm worried about," says Fatman. "Well if you're looking for interesting, he's your guy," says Not-So-Super-Man as he pats Fatman on the shoulder," this guy made it to Mount Vomi on American Binga Warrior." The questions and replies go on for a while, until Ned Burner convinces them to participate in the show by offering them enough money- or in Fatman's case, a free all-you can eat buffet. Loser-Man and Loser-Woman overhear what is being talked about and ask Ned Burner if they could be main characters, too. "Remember why I didn't give you guys the role in my production Fat and Fatter?," asks Mr. Burner, "do you at least recall the reason?" "That there is a good-looking type of fat and an ugly type of fat and you were looking for good-looking fat people," says Loser-Man sheepishly. The gymnast at this point turns to Ned Burner. "Did those four guys agree?," he asks with a heavy Scandinavian accent, " I don't want to be stuck with those two dough-balls (Loser-Man and Loser Woman)." When the gymnast is told "yes", he does backflips out of the restaurant in celebration as he leaves. "Who needs to rob banks?," says Catman to his pals after Ned Burner walks away, "this show business is way better." "Dude, I thought that you were just robbing banks to impress Cat Woman?," asks Fatman. "Oh yeah," says Catman, "that's right..."
When Fatman is finally done eating, they divide the tab 15/15/15/55 (Fatman had to pay 55% out of fairness) and leave. Little did they know that camera men were already stationed outside of the restaurant. Seeing all the cameras distracts Fatman, so he trips and falls down. When he hits the ground, a loud sound that sounds like concrete crumbling is heard. "I didn't make the crack in this sidewalk panel," he calls out, " it was cracked before I fell." For some reason, nobody seems to believe him. Suddenly Fatman has an epiphany. "You're not filming this are you?," he asks.
Around town, the search for the mayor continues, but to little avail. Then, suddenly, the search team has an idea. They leave an open suitcase marked "City Property" with wads of $100 bills in it. Within thirty seconds, the mayor can be seen slinking along, and then making a dash for the suitcase. A few minutes later, the mayor is in the back of a city vehicle being driven back to Town Hall. "I was afraid that somebody might steal all of those city funds, so I had to do something," says the mayor. "Then why did you close the suitcase and try to run away with it?," he is asked in reply. "What is it with you people and your hard questions," says the mayor, "you're just like those reporters." When the mayor is taken back to his office, he can see that his wife is there waiting for him. "You two won't get away with this," the mayor says to the officers taking him back to his office, "you'll get tried as accomplices to a murder..." Thankfully for the mayor, the Police Chief is at his office too, so his wife can't hit him over the head with the iron skillet until they get home. "Good to see you, Mr. Mayor, " says the Police Chief, " that interim mayor was going to reduce our funding if we didn't solve a crime in the next month...so it's good to have you back." "As I told you before," the mayor says to the Police Chief, " all you have to do is not try to fight crime in the bad part of town and then you will never have to risk an incredibly politically incorrect shooting of an armed suspect by a police officer." "What would we do without you," says the Police Chief. "Incidentally," continues the Police Chief," planting a tree in front of that stop sign on Market Street was a huge success. With how many tickets we have given out, we may have the budget deficit fixed soon."
In the meantime, Ned Burner and his crew are trying to have the gymnast that they have with them train people and get people more fit. With nothing else going on around town, this is all that they can think of doing to at least get some footage. "You rob banks every time you get acquitted of your last robbery charge, " Ned Burner says to Catman when he sees him again, "what happened?." "You think that I am that stupid to rob a bank in front of all of those cameras?," says Catman, "I may actually get convicted this time." Unfortunately, not everybody considers it very fun to have to hang out with a gymnast who wants to spend all of his time doing flips and cartwheels and the like. "Do we really have to imitate this guy while he kicks and dances and does flips and cartwheels?," they ask. Pretty soon, the production is getting somewhat costly as Ned Burner is being forced to pay more and more people to participate in the reality show. The production is not going as planned, since nobody in Losertown wants to do anything actually interesting in front of a camera and the costs are piling up as everybody has to be paid to deal with the gymnast who wants to "get Losertown moving." After a while, Ned Burner is beginning to get really frustrated. "Do you really have to speak with that heavy Scandinavian accent and flip around like a fish out of water all day," he asks to the gymnast. "My name is íþróttir and maybe you should have hired my twelve year old sidekick with pink hair along with me," says the gymnast, "the kids always seem to like when we dance and kick on TV..." "This isn't a kids' show," says Ned Burner, "I thought that we were doing this show so that parents would stop thinking of you as íþróttir and wanting to strangle you if they ever saw you for being that annoying gymnastics guy that their kid watches."
Trying to film in Losertown can have other drawbacks, like fat people knocking over your cameras with their "beer bellies" as they walk past. Walking on foot is a better idea for the filming crew, since the Police Chief has his officers looking for traffic violations everywhere, so the crew decides to just park their cars somewhere where they will not get a ticket for a parking violation and then walk everywhere. "If this is the future, I think that I need to just lock myself in a room now," says Ned Burner.
In the meantime, Fatman has gone home. It took ten minutes to make the exhausting two block walk to his apartment, plus another ten minutes trying to get unstuck in the doorway of his apartment. Fatman promptly sits down on his couch- he considers it more of a recliner than a couch since it can only hold three average sized adults- and turns on the television. The local news seems to be dominated by stories about Ned Burner filming his new show. Fatman tries to relax, but suddenly is jolted out of his relaxation. "While it is yet to be seen whether this show will fly or fall," says the reporter, "we can certifiably say that this Losertown resident did take a fall...." Fatman sees footage of himself falling on the sidewalk and breaking the sidewalk panel by falling on it. "If this show is to fall, we can only hope that it doesn't fall this hard...." the reporter continues.
Back near the filming, the gymnast soon spots Ned Burner prostrate on the sidewalk. He appears to be reaching unsuccessfully for an object in the storm drain. "What are you doing, Ned?," asks the gymnast. "There's a $1 bill in there and for some reason, I think that it might be an entertainment dollar bill," says Ned Burner, "it might be the last entertainment dollar that I don't own ...I...have...to...get...it!!"
TO BE CONTINUED