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Top Three Essential Items needed to Survive on Attack on Titan (Shingeki no Kyojin)

Updated on February 19, 2016

Congratulations Cadets Welcome to Hell

Attack on Titan was one of the hottest animes, I've seen in a while. For one thing it had me afraid to leave my house or look through my window in fear of being attacked by a flesh eating giant. Here's a quick synopsis, don't worry about spoilers, it's 2016 for chrissake. Giant, skinless Titan, appears (mysteriously) outside of Wall Maria. It kicks the hell out of the wall, kills a number of citizens, and then; It. Got. Real. Titans start rushing in, people forget that everyone deserves to live, giants close to fifteen feet tall start turning humans into mincemeat pie, it's a great opening to the series featuring the protagonists; Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. Now, if you want more of a synopsis than above, check out the anime yourself.

Now, here's the thing, let's say you're in Trost on your first mission. You've got your homies, your gear, a freaking horse, and that chick that eats potatoes without butter, salt, and where the hell did she get that potato from? What are you going to do? Are you going to allow one of these punk Titans rip you in half like Eren's mama! Or are you going to fight back? There's always running, apparently running is a good tactic to use.

This Hub is going to teach you how to survive Attack On Titan in Three easy steps.

Fastest thing on four freaking legs in the Shiganshina District
Fastest thing on four freaking legs in the Shiganshina District

Tip 1: Forget the Wagon, Ride a Horse

I'm assuming that this Japanese animation takes place somewhere in super old school Eastern Europe or some German mash-up of an agrarian society with a caste-system. Seeing as there's no rice paddies or beautiful mountainous regions nearby, I'm going to assume my assumption is correct. Now, seeing as this town was once bustling, filled with humans, and now it's filled with Titans tall enough to kick buildings like a toddler screwing around with Lincoln Logs, you're probably wondering, hmm, how am I going to get the hell away from something that's faster than say a freaking wagon pulled by my greedy wealthy friends? In enter's the noble creature; a horse. For the most part of the movie, I saw no cattle and no signs of farms, though this is an agrarian society, horses on the other hand are in high demand and are useful not only for that yummy white paste they make (glue, kids), but because of their speed.

A healthy horse on Attack on Titan runs at 30 miles per hour. That means, Titans run a little slower than a horse, unless they're lurking in the shadows like a perv. This means ladies and germs that you're going to need a strong horse, one that can carry your body weight, your tree climbing gear, and your weapons. Of course, if said horse is carrying a wagon filled with bodies, well you might need to dump the bodies.

Also on a side note, you'd think that throwing a bunch of dead bodies at a bunch of flesh eating zombie giants would deter them from chasing you and your spirited away horse, but it looks like they ignored the bodies. I would suggest leaving the bodies to begin with. I mean they're already dead, what are they going to do transform into titans? Right?

This spud has saved countless lives and will be deeply missed.
This spud has saved countless lives and will be deeply missed.

Tip 2: Attack with... potatoes?

What you need is someone who has your back, someone you can trust and who will save you when the Titans come running up on you. That's when you need people like Sasha Blouse. Sasha is what I'm assuming a hick who has no common house training, but a really big heart. Not only did she use an unassuming potato a means to define her commanding officer, but in a large way she continued to eat said potato before him. Nuff Said!

Okay, here's the point, a new cadet, like yourself needs to keep your identity while kicking these Titans in the arse. One way to keep your identity is to not follow the flow of the grain. If you haven't noticed the MPs and their trainees are lazy, most of the people who are afraid to escape from the walls are usually laid back piles of potatoes that do absolutely nothing until their life is on the line.

If you want to survive and dodge being devoured do these things:

  • Screw the chain of command, fight when someone needs you
  • Avoid pissing off Eren
  • Avoid walking in general, Titans tend not to look down, they just step on you (or use their teeth to rip into you)
  • Focus on having a friend that has your back, if you can't trust your friends, well they're probably a Titan.

Quick Survival Survey

If a freaking Titan has you in its clutches about to gobble you down, who would you want to save your life?

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Tip 3: What's in the Freakin' Basement?

To survive the attack by the big, bad giants, you need to return to Eren's basement and find out what the hell his father was hiding from us during the last couple of seasons. I'm sure the manga's dripped some answers to the mystery, but I need to know now, in a fast paced, bloody, and somewhat endearing fashion. It's not every day that someone holds the key to saving mankind, as in literally, it's a key, hanging on some kid's neck, and where does it go when Eren turns into a Titan? Apparently nowhere. What are the Titans anyway? Well, that's a Hub for another day right?

Conclusion

Titans are tall and bad. Humans are short and apparently yummy. You want to survive an Attack by a Titan. I suggest you do the following:

  • Keep the Horse leave the bodies
  • Eat the freaking potato and stick it to the man
  • GO TO THE BASEMENT!!!

This list is far from exhaustive, I just want to make sure that you are aware that there are monsters out there, big ones, with big teeth, and some of them who look like they need to pee. Here's the point, don't let them catch you, don't let them eat you, and maybe you need to lose your humanity in order to take them on.

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