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Survive Infidelity | How Stars Heal Their Hearts

Updated on October 13, 2009

THIS is how you get over a break up

If you look to the stars to determine how you should behave in your own life (which is something I absolutely recommend, there is nothing like choosing a plasticized, heavily drugged performing monkey as your role model), then you will probably be well advised to copy celebrities in their post break up behavior. Nobody has as many break ups as your average celebrity, because the mating habits of celebrities are influenced by media trends as well as popular drugs. Everyone knows what a fickle mistress the media is, and so too must the hearts of celebrities be fickle if they are to make it through so many liaisons. Here are the secrets of the stars when it comes to recovering after a painful breakup. Read them well and use them wisely, for they are truly powerful.

Become Incredibly Self Absorbed

Being obsessed with yourself will mean that you will always be happy being alone. Break ups will hardly affect you, as you barely noticed that the other person was in the room. There are other upsides to being incredibly self absorbed, including the fact that you will probably be very hot, because of all the time you spend on yourself, and people with low self esteem will be irresistibly drawn to you. You can milk them for all they have before discarding them, empty shells of their former selves. The only downside to this is that you may be constantly trailed by the sounds of wailing and crying, but you can probably learn to block it out, or even find it soothing after a while.

Move On To Someone Much Younger Or Older

Once you break up with someone, try to date someone as least like them as possible. Someone much older than you, or much younger than you will probably work. Which way you go will depend on your age. If you're in your twenties or so, go older. If you're in your 50's or so, go younger. Attempting to reverse this pattern will result in dating infants or corpses, and neither one of those will ever work out. Both tend to smell funny, and are terrible conversationalists.

Self Destruct

There is nothing like being incredibly self destructive to get over a break up. Sure it won't help you any, and your life will be in tatters, but at least you will be able to truly feel like you've expressed your rage. If you take your clothes off enough you might be able to get work as a freelance stripper, and that's always good money.

Lose Weight

If your heart has been broken, it is probably because you're not skinny enough. After all, relationships are never about what a person is like, how loving they are, what they bring to a relationship ion terms of companionship and support, or anything like that, but are mostly about the size of the ass. Loosing a lot of weight will be good for you in many ways, you'll be able to fit in tiny spaces you never could before, you'll be able to shop in the kid's department, and your menstrual cycle might stop. Bonus!

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    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 

      11 years ago from San Francisco

      I think becoming (or continuing to be) self-absorbed is something celebrities are exceptionally talented at doing.

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