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Techniques for Picking Up Girls
How to pick up girls is a hot topic on the Internet. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Google "pick up girls" and you get over four-and-a-half million results! Haven't you idiots got anything better to do with your time? Well, clearly (and hormonally), no you don't. Nothing is more impo'tent to you than picking up a girl. Well then, so be it. Here are some techniques that will help you do it without injuring your bad self.
Keep your back straight. Good posture is really the unspoken double secret key to picking up girls. Anyone who's been on the dating scene for any length of time knows that wimmen value a stand-up kinda guy above all else. So don't come slouching over like a schlep. Be erect. Erectness is vital. Remember that and you've won half the battle.
Relax. Girls don't want it to be over quick. They want to be picked up slow and they want it to last until they are ready for it to be over. They want to feel your strength in your control over your own body, not in your speed or your ability to exert force. So when you feel yourself getting all rigid, let those knees relax. That's right, the key to pleasing a girl is letting your knees bend. Simple, isn't it?
I call this one the "Piggy Style" pickup, and it really emphasizes what I am trying to come across with here. Just tell her you want to do it piggy style. All girls know what that means. Trust me.
In the illustrations at right you see the step-by-step directions for a deeply satisfying pickup experience. How deeply? Well, that, bucko, would depend on you.
- Squat down. like in the first picture, and let the pretty young thing climb on board. Your knees are bent so you are super-relaxed, and though you are bent at the waist, your shoulders are back and your erectness is happening in your spine.
- Place one hand under each of her lovely thighs, straighten your legs, and bingo! The girl done been picked up!
Now you are her trusty steed and she can ride you where she wants so desperately to go!
I call this one, "The Sweep." That's right, you're gonna sweep her off her feet. This one is classic and sure to please.
First, of course, bend your knees. Then keep your back straight as you bend and place your hand behind her knees, your other hand behind the small of her back, straighten your knees and lift! She done been picked up again!
Since this is the position one assumes to carry a bride over the threshold into the honeymoon suite to meet her fate, this is the most romantic of all pickups. Use it only if you are serious, and be sure to remember to stay erect the entire time. You don't want to hurt your back.
This technique is more advanced and you definitely want to try some easier ones before you try it. If you have back problems, this technique is not for you.
In the "Sack O' Potatoes" technique, as I call it, erectness is absolutely compulsory. If you do not keep your back straight while attempting the Sack O' Potatoes, you will hurt yourself. Therefore you must remain erect before, during, and after the pickup. Stamina is very much a requirement here.
Also you must be extremely gentle for an extended period of time, so do not attempt it if you are over-excited. If you do, your erectness will fail and injury to more than your pride is extremely likely.
The chief difficulty the less experienced encounter is the need to exert as litte force as possible when initiating the lift. Too much force and you will knock the wind out of your partner; too little force and you may have an erectness problem as I mentioned before.
Yet if you are successful, your prize will be displayed on your shoulder for all the other Neanderthals to see. Girls love this kind of primitive display, so primal and ape-like. Trust me. Be sure to walk around and show off your prize to everyone around.
"Look what I got, ha ha."
She'll LOVE you for it.
Once you have lifted the girl to the place of honor, undignified though it may be, it is quite easy at that point to simply walk off with her to some romantic spot. That's right. She done been picked up!
Oh, and if you see a police officer, be sure and show them as well. They love a good laugh.
This is the sexiest of all pick ups. I call it the "Full Frontal", and you should only use it on girls you know really, really well because it requires a high degree of cooperation from the girl. Your mother or sister might be a good choice - well maybe not. At any rate, the girl effectively picks herself up by jumping onto your body and wrapping her legs around you.
The Full Frontal pickup technique is very good for beginners because it requires almost no experience and presents very little danger of injury to the picker-upper.
Relaxation is a nice addition, but not necessary. Erectness is usually not a problem. Nevertheless, be sure to remain erect until your partner has fully dismounted in order to avoid injury.
I cannot stress enough how important erectness and relaxation are to the pick up process. Serious emotional and even physical injury has resulted by guys trying to pick up girls the wrong way. You need to face the fact that you just cannot pick up any girl you feel like picking up. Sometimes it's just a bad idea, and sometimes it's just downright stupid.