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Tell Me Again Why We Need A Miss USA

Updated on May 8, 2011

And we would need a Miss USA, why?

Well last night was the big Miss USA pageant 2007 and who really cared? Even me, a professed guilty pleasure pageant loving homosexual left my house before the pageant was done and didn't even Tivo it. Does that give you any indication about how even I don't get what Miss USA does or why we need one at all? I guess that Mr. Trump would have us believe that Miss USA represents us as a country but as I've lamented before about this pageant, the Miss USA pageant has nothing on the Miss America pageant and never will, no matter how much money he dumps into it. So I have to ask Mr. Trump and the girls in the pageant to tell me again why we need a Miss USA? - Don't Get Me Started!

The one thing you find out right away about Miss USA is that while Miss America seems like an 18 hour bra commercial (non-sexual and so large that there's no chance of you ever seeing a nipple) the Miss USA pageant is a Victoria Secret meets Fredrick's of Hollywood affair. Exactly, Miss America's are for marrying and Miss USA's are for screwing in a bathroom at a fraternity house after they've spent too much time on the beer bong.

Kudos for a well produced and coordinated show but even from the introductions, there was a need for some help with the direction and choreography. The girls did their intros themselves and as we know these gals aren't the smartest in the world so it's a little like asking them to chew gum and walk at the same time. They can't do the put the foot behind you and spin around until you almost fall over and then walk out of it (an apparent classic move as they did this through all of what I saw for every part of the competition) and introduce themselves in the odd way that they were directed both at the same time. They would say their name then they would mention their city with the same emphasis as their name and then they would walk and do the classic almost falling over turn and then say their state so you kind of didn't know if their city was an additional last name or what? It sounded like, Magen (yes, that's how one girl's parents actually spelled it - welcome to illiterate America) Muldoon Ft. Wayne....Indiana. It also looked as though these intros were pre-recorded before the audience came in (I'm sure so that nothing would throw them off) and then they would cut to the live show where the six or seven girls in each category would pose in their coordinating outfits.

A pregnant Nancy O'Dell and some guy who was awful (but he has an Australian accent and as we know, that's all it takes to be a host on an American TV show these days, an accent) did the perfunctory bad dialogue (who writes these shows anyway and do they think they're good?) and did their best (which wasn't all that great). The male host, I think his name was Tim, would say something (usually about being around so many hot looking chicks when we all know the only way he'd be taking one of those gowns off those girls was if he was hemming it) and then make the classic goofy host face while Nancy would give us the next piece of information.

But the real "main event" was seeing the outgoing Miss USA, Tara (I need rehab too) Conner and what she would say about her indiscretions that almost had her drugged up, slutty ass out on the street before she could give the tiara up at the pageant this year. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then her hair dresser knew what he was doing by giving her the most annoying bangs in recorded history that covered her soul-less eyes. And I'm not talking in a sexy, one eyed look like Veronica Lake. No, I'm talking in a Prince Valiant, straight across, fried out blonde, Sam you made the bangs too long kind of look. Her false eye lashes were fighting to get through the bang like a car through those huge brushes in a car wash. She didn't mention drugs or rehab really, just that she was glad she could "feel" what was going on tonight as opposed to repressing her feelings as she had done for so long in her life. As if we care, right? Get to the good stuff sister and do a little asking of forgiveness to at least give the illusion you weren't just bouncing on The Donald's lap in order to keep your tiara a few months ago.

They kept going to the backstage for footage of the pageant as it was happening and as an actor, I can tell you that the backstage can be really exciting but not in this case on any of the times they went back there with their cameras as they were going to the commercial breaks. To be honest, the pageant was dull and that's why I had no trouble leaving it. The girls would come out and then they would show the judges score on the screen for that part of the competition. The finalists were all getting 8.something or other scores except for Miss Tennessee who was getting 9's all the time so there was no surprise when I Googled today to get the results and found out that she had won.

I'm sure that there are some die hard fans of this pageant (though I don't have any idea why as there's not even a talent portion - hello) but for my homoney, I'll stick to the Miss America gang. At least with Miss America you know that they have those platforms where they actually try to do something to help society as opposed to Miss USA that flashed up "hairstyling" on the screen as one of the girl's "interests" as she walked in her bikini and did the almost falling down turn once again. Tell me again why we need a Miss USA? - Don't Get Me Started! 



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