Tequila and Happy Bombs
Happy Bombs for Everyone!
We’re coming upon a new year. In celebration of this momentous occasion I would like to offer the solution to the majority of the world's conflicts. It sounds simplistic; but I’m sure of its success. The solution is Happy Bombs and Tequila.
Happy bombs are for the wars over-seas when we need to take over a large area of enemy combatants. For the areas with the fiercest enemies, I believe we should take bombs filled with laughing gas and drop 50 or so of them.
Then we wait.
Fifteen minutes later our guys can walk right in and take over the place without a shot being fired. Awesome. That would make me happy. Odds are, even the enemies would rather be laughing than dead.
"Ohh, dude, we're so captured."
"Yeah, but nothing's been blown off. Sweet!"
For everything else… tequila.
You’re boarding an airplane, and the detector goes off, they pull you out of line. What will it be? A strip search? A body scan? A cavity search with Bubba? How about a few shots of tequila? I’ve never known anyone who can keep a secret- or their clothes on- after a certain amount of tequila. Come to think of it, you may end up doing your own strip search; but it will be way more fun.
The FBI catch a suspected terrorist, they’re holding him at Guantanamo Bay, interrogating him. They waterboard him. The information they have may or may not be the truth. This is not very efficient.
Half a bottle of tequila for that boy. (Not Top Shelf, of course, keep the good stuff for the Americans-sorry, but if I'm fighting with you, I'm not going to give you the good stuff- deal with it. OK, if you're a law abiding citizen in your own country, and not trying to kill me, I may share.)
Drink, my little terrorist friend, drink. After he’s one drink away from being wasted enough to kill a shark with his bare butt, he’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Apparently, sodium pentathol that is supposed to do the same thing; but is that stuff really any good if they have to waterboard? I say tequila is what they need; the FBI can shoot it into the terrorist’s veins if it makes them feel better.
Just think how efficiently everything would run if we just used Happy Bombs and Tequila instead of blow-em-up bombs and beating the crap out of criminals.
Criminals. They can’t have Top Shelf either; but they should definitely have tequila. Can you imagine? Instead of this conversation:
“I’m sorry Sergeant Tuff Guy, but we’ve tried everything. We know he’s the guy, but he won’t confess and we don’t have enough evidence; we have to let him walk.”
We would hear this conversation:
“Hey, hiccup, Sergeant Tuff-n-gus, I did it. Yeppppp. Thas right. Me. Ok, sho Tommy onefingersh helped me ‘caush I can’t loads guns very wells, but I shot that gun. That wass some fine shootin’. I killed ‘em dead wish one shot! Is it hot in here? I feel like I shhhould take my clothesssh off.”
“Book ‘em Danno”
What about all these domestic squabbles you see on shows like Jerry Springer?.
“He’s not the daddy.”
Really? Have some tequila.
“He’s the daddy, wanna see my boobs?”
(Woman)“He was sleeping with my sister, I know'd he was!!”
Really? Why don’t you both have some tequila?
(Man)“I was sleeping with your brother, (beep), take that!”
Problem solved. Oops, wait, sister needs some tequila….
(Sister) “You were sleeping with my brother, Hell, I was sleepin’ with my brother!!”
Perhaps a Happy Bomb would be in order here.
The moral of the story is make love, not war. No, wait, that’s not the moral.The moral is drugs can be good when used properly, and there is always, always, always a use for tequila.
OK, there is no moral. Just a hope for the future. Grab some Top Shelf Tequila Gold and toast to a better tomorrow. Have one for me.
Is it possible the government has already considered some of the above?
- Laughing Bullets Aren\'t Funny...OK They Are
During a 2002 project for the government, Agentai developed a non-lethal round of ammunition that could be shot out of a regular gun, and also contained a chemical agent. One suggested chemical agent to be used? Laughing gas.