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ThanksKilling - Spoiler Alert: Dreadful The SAD Movie Review
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Now is the time of year for the whole family to get together, eat way too much food, and watch football. This holiday is different, however: there is no definitive movie to be watched. Christmas has tons: A Christmas Story, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman. Even The Nightmare Before Christmas. What does Thanksgiving have? Every Thanksgiving, my family watches National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, but that’s still a Christmas movie. Now, I think I have the new tradition: ThanksKilling.
What Is This Movie About?
This movie is about a killer possessed turkey. It was shot in Heath, Ohio, about a half hour from where I live, for $3,500. That’s right, this entire movie was shot for under FOUR GRAND.
That’s all the intro I am going to give, because my notes for ridiculous things that happen in the movie are basically a shot-for-shot retelling. So, HUGE Spoiler Alert starting right now, if you don’t want the nuanced and deep story of ThanksKilling ruined, please do not continue. Otherwise…
Oh God, Why?
Well, here we go. Grab your sixth plate of the day, and read on...
- Starts in 1621, moments after the first thanksgiving. Great start
- The first image is a boob.
- The lady with no shirt…Oh, I’m sorry, let me start over, I will call her by her character name.
- Naked Pilgrim runs away from something, trips and falls, and is killed by the turkey.
- On the credits, someone’s name is “General Bastard”. I don’t know whether I hope that’s a real name, or if it is like on The Wizard of Oz credits, where The Munchkins are played by The Singer Midgets.
- Now that you’re back from IMDB.com to see if I was telling the truth about The Wizard of Oz, the make-up special effects were done by former Heisman winner Troy Smith. Or someone similarly named
- WE ARE STILL IN THE CREDITS
- We see what appears to be the four main characters, getting out of school for THANKSGIVING BREAK!!! They talk, then they walk towards each other, then out of the shot. Except, when they are walking towards one another, it is sped-up, Benny Hill style, and when they’re about out of frame, it’s in slow-mo… What is going on?
- I’m going to name the characters, so you can keep track:
- Jerky McFootball (second string quarterback…)
- Redneck P. Fatguy
- Glenda The Good Girl
- Stupid Chick (she doesn’t deserve a clever nickname)
- Nerdlinger Von Geekinstein
- WE JUST HIT THE SIX MINUTE MARK
- Nerdlinger Von Geekinstein says they should all say what they are thankful for, and Redneck P. Fatguy makes fun of his mother. When Glenda says she’s thankful for her friends, and that they’re all in good health (is it too late to name her Stupid Chick?), Redneck hilariously says “GAAYY!!”
- There’s a flashback to “all those years ago”, when McFootball remembers when his dad taught him how to throw a football. It is the same actor, oh sorry, “actor”, and he looks exactly the same. It might have even been the same shirt!
- “Your legs are harder to shut than the JonBenet Ramsey case” said to Stupid Chick by GLENDA THE GOOD GIRL!! Man, if she’s saying it, it must be true…
- There’s a dog that I didn’t mention before, (because I thought it wasn’t important), that pees on this miniature totem pole. Apparently, that’s whereTurkeyis buried, because he comes back to life, and kills the dog.
- Pause for a second: I just went to IMDB, to see if the turkey had a name, and noticed that the main characters have names AND NICKNAMES!! I swear on the evil turkey’s grave, I did not see this before writing my names. The ones on the site are:
- The Jock
- The Hick
- The Good Girl
- The Nerd
- And Ali, because she’s TOO STUPID TO BE GIVEN A NICKNAME!!
- TEN MINUTES IN!!!
- We see a sheriff, sorry, “sheriff” be given a cup of coffee by his wife. He spits it out, and asks her if she took a dump in the pot, because it tastes like it. As a matter of fact, she did. And we are shown it. She wants a divorce. And he says “…Alright then…” Not “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CAN’T YOU JUST ASK LIKE ANORMALPERSON?!?!”
- Sheriff Crapcoffee is Glenda’s dad, who asks her if she is going with him to the Annual Policeman’s Thanksgiving Ball. Then he says “By the way, your Step-Momma left me! Well, bye!” WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?
- The car overheats, out of nowhere. Fatguy remembers they have tents and beer, so they should just party there tonight. They were going home for Thanksgiving why did they have tents?
- The owner of the dog, Oscar The Hermit, who I didn’t mention until now, finds his dead dog. The turkey is still there, and talks to the guy. He TALKS BACK, like it’s no big deal, and theTurkeyruns away. O the H drops to his knees, and screams NOOOOOOOO. This is turning into my new favorite movie.
- Glenda goes to make a phone call to “Sheriff” Crapcoffee, whenTurkeyshows up. Everything out of the turkey’s mouth is either a terrible joke, or a bunch of expletives. Glenda does run away, though, but no one believes her.
- A BABY RABBIT COMES FLYING FROM OFFSCREEN, ONTO THE CAMPFIRE!! Nerdlinger says it was ripped open by a beak. BUT NOT JUST ANY BEAK!! Nope, it’s a TURKEY BEAK!!
- WE ARE TWENTY MINUTES IN!!!!
- Fatguy says F#&KBALLS
- McFootball tells them to calm down, because they are in the woods, and that kind of stuff happens all the time. EVISCERATED BABY BUNNIES FLY AROUND ALL THE TIME!?!?!
- A guy picks upTurkey, like he’s a hitchhiker. He says the whole “GRA$$ CA$H OR A$$, NOONE RIDES FOR FREE”, then tries to have sex withTurkey. Turkeypulls a shotgun out or NOWHERE, kills the guy, and steals the car.
- “Your legs are harder to shut than the JonBenet Ramsey case” Glenda says it….AGAIN! And they laugh as hard as the first time!
- McFootball gets home, and talks to his mother. Apparently, he doesn’t talk to his father anymore, because he is the SECOND STRING QUARTERBACK! Which he says only happened because he BROKE HIS LEG. His mother says “Oh McFootball, that was TWO WHOLE WEEKS AGO, I’m sure he’s over it”. If he broke his leg two weeks ago, it’s like way better now. WAAAAYYY better.
- During the awkward scene between father and son…. The effects guy added a fart.
- McFootball lies to his dad, and tells him he is starting quarterback. THEN, dad says he is the best son anyone could have. How sweet…
- Oh, wait a minute,Turkeycuts dad’s head off with a knife, and throws it to McFootball, after telling him to go deep. Serves both of them right.
- Oh, wait a minute, Mom’s dead too.
- McFootball is driving away, asking God why. He says “No more pumpkin pie! No more cranberry sauce! Turkey! F%@kingTurkey!” I can’t wait for this idiot to die.
- He doesn’t call the cops, by the way, he just goes to Fatguy’s house.
- Stupid Chick and Rando, The Random Guy, are in her room, having sex. Fully. Clothed. Turkeykills Rando (RANDO!! NOOOOO!!!), and starts having sex with Stupid Chick. She barely notices. He then says what they obviously thought would be the tagline for the movie, “YOU JUST GOT STUFFED”. He then breaks her neck…
- “At least her legs were harder to close than JonBenet’s legs” WHOA, Nerdlinger. Not cool!
- Some Dialogue
- Nerdlinger “I don’t know how to kill it, it’s survived everything we’ve thrown at it so far.”
- McFootball “….we haven’t done ANYTHING yet”
- Nerdlinger “….. Ooohhhh yyyeeaahhh”
- The sheriff is in a turkey costume, and he is talking to the Turkey, in a human costume… and awkwardly have a cup of coffee….he leaves…after murderizing him.
- Glenda tells McFootball how to get to her house, to which he responds with “…Yeah, I know. I brought you here last night?” I would bet that wasn’t in the script.
- They go to her house, and THE TURKEY IS WEARING THE SHERIFF’S FACE AS A MASK!! AND SHE DOESN’T NOTICE!!! NONE OF THEM DO!!!
- Once they figure it out, almost five minutes later, he says “Man, you kids are retarded” So true,Turkey, so true.
- Fatguy has had it with the whole thing, and leaves. McFootball says “Well, he’s dead”. Alright, now they’re just saying what we’re all thinking.
- Glenda and McFootball almost make out. After both of their parents have been murdered by a turkey….
- Turkeycatches up with Fatguy, and tricks him into swallowing him, and his shotgun whole. I don’t know, guys. He then blows Billy open from the inside…
- The three remaining people, seemingly in the entire town, catchTurkey, and tie him up. After they say the demonic prayer backwards however, he escapes. O the H is there, though, (oh yeah, that guys still alive…), and shoots him dead. He gets thrown into a trashcan.
- He says he finally got revenge on that turkey for killing his dog. Glenda says she’s sorry, saying that must be hard. YOUR FATHER, MCFOOTBALL’S PARENTS, AND TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD!!!!!
- “We just killed the most demonicTurkeyon Earth. What now?” “Let’s go back to Kristen’s, and watch some movies”. HER DEAD DAD IS STILL THERE, WITHOUT A FACE!!!
- Turns out, that open trash container in the middle of a park contained RADIOACTIVE MATERIALS
- mcFootball is kind of glad this whole thing hapeened. Really. He says he may have lost his parents, but he gained a girlfriend. Way to keep it in perspective, dude! They start to make out, with Nerdlinger still on the couch.
- It’s okay, because after that, Radioactive Turkey comes back. He gets his tongue ripped out, followed by his still-beating heart. Awesome. He sees Fatguy waiting in Heaven for him. Fatguy says “Come on man, God’s A-waitin’!” IS HE, FATGUY? IS HE? “ No turkey’s up here, dude”
- Glenda is concerned thatTurkeyisn’t dead. McFootball says “He’s got to be dead. Unless he fell into some radioactive waste or something…What are the odds of that happening, right?” She says “Come on, something like that only happens in movies!” WHAT WOULD POSSIBLY POSSESS SOMEONE TO SAY THESE THINGS!?!?
- McFootball goes to check on Nerdlinger, when he gets stabbed by one of those electric carving knife things. It shows a close-up if him, and blood pouring out of his mouth, and he TOTALLY smiles. Because he knows this movie is ridiculous.
- They run, she sets him on fire, and hits him with a baseball bat. Into a big pile of sticks, similar to what they used to burn withces on, which is what they needed to do. Man, they’re lucky that was set up in the backyard in advance, right?
- A DEEP FRIEDTURKEYLEG COMES FLYING OUT OF THE FIRE, AND GLENDA EATS IT!!!
Wait, Did That Just Happen?
So, Nerdlinger Von Geekinstein starts telling “the most infamous story in Pilgrim history” ….okay. We are treated to this really weird animation drawing scene, with voiceover. So the main pilgrim’s name is Something Fatguy, because Redneck P. Fatguy says “Hey, that’smylast name!” To this Nerdlinger replies “Yes, I’ve never thought about it before, but he was probably one of your ancestors”.
So Fatguy’s ancestor disgraced this Indian, so he cursed all white men (totally unfair), by “necromancing (?)” a turkey. To rise, every five hundredAND FIVEyears, to kill…. white people, I guess. They don’t believe him, so he uses the word TURKEYOLOGISTS to sound more legit!! He says they call it Thankskilling. McFootball actually says “Oh, so what, it’s been five hundred and five years then, has it?” To which Nerdlinger replies “….No! (pulls out his phone) But it will be in 45 minutes…” TURKEYOLOGISTS KNOW THE EXACT TIME OF THE CURSE!?!?
To be honest, everything about this movie is bad. And that’s what makes it amazing. It’s like 50 pounds of crazy, stuffed into a 4 pound platypus wearing a turkey costume or something because I CAN’T DRAW ANY COMPARISON TO THIS MOVIE IT IS INSANE! If you enjoy movies that don't take themselves seriously at all, this is for you.
Five awkward cups of coffee with a turkey-human and a human-turkey out of five
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