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The Absolute List of Dance Club DON'T's
FACT: GUYS LOVE DANCE CLUBS
In My Mid-Twenties
I loved to drink. Beer, whiskey, wine, vodka and well, just about any beverage that contained alcohol. This proved to be a near-fatal mistake. In years to come, I grew to regret my playful decision of "being my elbow," and "partying hearty," with my big boy friends who made this kind of life look glamorous. Easy. And actually, kinda cool. I found out (a few hard) ways that the newness of this "burn the candle at both ends" lifestyle can have serious consequences.
Consequences and blurred memories for example: wondering where you were the night before. And the night before that. How did your car not get wrecked in the condition you were in? And what did you promise to that "friendly" girl with no morals at some party you were seen dancing on the dining room table in your Fruit Of The Look underwear?
My two main "bar club buddies," were Kenneth "Wild Man" Stone and Wayne Rea, both of Hamilton, Alabama. And these are their real names. We visited clubs with names such as: The Shade Tree Lounge, formerly in business in Tupelo, Mississippi and The River Club once in business in Muscle Shoals, Alabama. Now don't credit us too much. We were not the reasons these clubs shut down. We were only frequent visitors to this side of life that presented us with smoky rooms, loud, untalented bar bands (who always played too loud) and plenty of booze to make our nights out complete.
And to close "my" time of bar-hopping or clubbing as it was called during this time of my life, I do not recall that many rules when it came to visiting one of these wild clubs. The only thing we guys had to remember was do not get into a fight for we were always the out-of-town guys and he local authorities always side with the locals, so we three practiced being cool. That was pretty much it. No wardrobe rules such as having to wear a black tie. Or suit. Just have your nakedness covered and of course, wear shoes, and we were in business. Clubbing in my twenties. Distorted times.
HOT CHICKS LOVE TO VISIT DANCE CLUBS
It wasn't until many years later . . .
that, being my nature, I found a valuable, well, near-priceless list of Don't's when it comes to visiting a dance club. Did you know that a list of this nature even existed? I didn't. That was until one day, with nothing really productive to do, I fought my boredom by "surfing the web," on a cheap PC with very little hard drive and power, and I believe that by accident, I stumbled upon a true "treasure trove" of information that would benefit anyone, male, female, American or European, even a well-trained gorilla named, "Jake," if he were to choose a dance club for a few hours of leisurely Friday (or Saturday) night fun.
This "Absolute List of DON'T's Concerning Dance Clubs," is not for sale. I'm very sorry. Even if you begged me to take your bag of cash in denominations of 10, 20 and 50-dollar bills, I wouldn't have the nerve to take your dough. Go on. Try me. I would rather GIVE you, the would-be guys and gals, who have never been inside a swanky dance club, my inside information that would guarantee, that's right, guarantee YOU a night free from hassles, harassment and humiliation. Sound good? Well just read the remainder of this hub and go for it. What have you got to lose?
PEOPLE LOVE TO CONSUME ALCOHOL AT DANCE CLUBS
This List is Broken Down into 5 Strategic Areas
1. PARKING LOT/VALET PARKING
2. DANCE CLUB ENTRACE
3. DANCE FLOOR
4 BAR and
5. PERSONAL CONDUCT IN DANCE CLUB
The reason being that it is in these FIVE areas are where most newcomers to dance clubs either face trouble or walk smack-dab into a troublesome scene that they don't know any better than to just run off and avoid questions from authorities who love to investigate this type of social trouble.
THIS PERSON IS YOUR BEST FRIEND AT A DANCE CLUB
The DON'T'S in
the PARKING LOT/VALET PARKING
DON'T show up in a "beater," a car or truck that belches smoke. Back-fires. And has a a seat torn in shreds by your dog, "Lucifer." If there are any hot chicks watching you, they will judge you as a "poor loser," by a vehicle such as this. And the valet parking guys will make fun of you to your face. If you cannot afford a luxury car, lease one. Or borrow your aunt Sophie's vintage Studebaker. Girls love "old money" and so so valet parking guys.
DON'T start acting "tough" with anyone in the parking lot. No one. Just keep your head down and walk slowly to the dance club entrace. If you are carrying a wad of cash, do not flash it as you walk. Thugs who thrive on innocent club patrons might choose you as their next prey. Be cool. Talk very little to the parking valet guys and please tip them generously. You will thank me later.
DON'T say stupid things to people coming out of, or going into the dance club, including the valet parking guys, "Wow, what a tall building," this statement alone tells people that YOU are a country rube. A bona fide bumpkin. Keep your mouth shut. That way no one will know where you are from.
DANCE CLUB ENTRANCE
DON'T get in line and start mumbling things (to impress the hot girls) like, "Don't have all night here," or even worse, "I'm an important man. Got people inside to see. Drinks to drink. Let's move it up there," or else, "Bruno," a six-foot, six, 280-pound, ex-Navy Seal, the security guard, or bouncer, will suddenly tell you to 'beat it,' for your kind of people (rubes, bumpkins) are not welcome inside the swanky dance club.
DON'T over-react if a local club-goer bumps into you. This might be an accident. And for you to yell at the top of your lungs, "Thief! Pick-pocket here!" might get your butt handed to you by several of this guy's friends who by the way, are World Class boxers out on the town.
DON'T start "acting" as if you are chatting on your cell phone to look cool to the hot girls in line. "Yeah, this is Doctor Williams, Chief of Staff at Boston General Hospital. I pull down around $5 million a year, drive a Bentley and have perfect credit," who are you kidding--standing there in slacks from TARGET, shoes from Shoe World, and your shirt from Dollar General? Hey, city girls are sharp. They know without you saying word that you barely have enough for cab fare when your night is over. Be cool. Do not talk. This way you will appear mysterious. Girls love that.
DON'T "barge right up" to the first hot girl on the dance floor of a dance club and start doing the current dance, namely, the "sprinkler," or you will end up looking foolish. No, you WILL BE A FOOL. Just be casual. Find a girl who is as out-of-place as you and take it easy. First talk to her. Tell her the truth about yourself. And ask in a gentle tone if she wants to dance. That works pretty much all the time.
DON'T yell to the crowd, "get back, people," wave your arms in the air and squat while you walk and say, "can anybody do this new dance?" Of course you will be a laughingstock. These city girls and guys know all of the current dances. Why? They are paid party people. It's their job to keep in "the know" about dances.
DON'T shove or push a guy aside trying to pull that outdated, "may I cut-in," move, or you will be hit in the mouth. Hard. This might work at the barn dances where you reside, but not in New York City or Los Angeles, the Dance Club Capitals of The World. If you are lucky, a lonesome hot chick who's drinking hard, will want you to be her friend for she has lost her guy, an investment banker to her best friend, "Rose," so be her friend. That's all. DO NOT act on your impulses. She is hurting right now. Show some class. Be a gentleman.
at THE BAR
DON'T squeeze in between two guys or girls who are enjoying themselves with a drink. You don't know these people. And they might not want to know you. Find a secluded place, maybe a booth, order your drink and drink it quietly. The best way to taste success in a big city dance club is not to bring attention to yourself. And be sure to tip your waitress generously. Word will soon get around that you are a man of taste. Manners. A civilized man. Girls love that.
DON'T yell at the bartender who is at the other end of the bar, "Am I gonna get a drink 'TONIGHT,' or what?" Talk about bad karma. All of a sudden. This will do it. Every time. The bartender will get to your drink order. Be patient. Eat the free peanuts on the bar. But do not anger this bartender. They are pro's. They know how to handle themselves.
DON'T get into any argument with anyone, while you are at the bar. This does not pay. Agree with the guy who swears that Elvis Presley is his brother. Say they favor a lot. Buy him a drink. Laugh. If he gets violent, let him bash your face in, but do not take matters into your own hands. The security guard, "Bruno," whom we met at the dance club entrance, will remove this troublemaker from the dance club. Not you. Be a good dance club patron.
in YOUR PERSONAL BEHAVIOR in a Dance Club
DON'T "drink like a fish," and get drunk in any dance club. Terrible things might happen to you. You might be robbed. Beaten up. Or worse, thrown out. Take it easy. You are here for a good time, not to compete with "Budd," The Dance Club Beer Guzzling Champ, for a free round of beer. You will lose this game. I promise. "Budd," knows how to sucker you into betting your last $50 dollars you can beat him in downing Schlitz beers. Just walk away. Save your money. And do not get intoxicated. You need your wits about you in order to get home.
DON'T force a girl to let you buy her a drink. If she says no, that means no. If you insist, she will think you are a stalker. Or a freak who likes to aggravate strange women. And she might be "Bruno's" sister. You remember "Bruno," the ex-Navy Seal who is the security guard? Just relax. Walk around. Talk to people who really want to talk to you. You will have a better time if you don't force yourself on anyone.
DON'T (if you are feeling your drinks), start belting-out the lyrics to the songs played by the professional club band, for you will not get the words to the songs right in your intoxicated condition. People will soon realize that you are drunk and put you up to singing as loud as you can for a laugh. You are better than this. If you feel as if you are drinking too much, sit down. Eat something. Stop drinking right then. Tell the bartender you want a cab to take you home. This way you will get home safe and sound. And with your dignity intact.
If you will just
follow these easy rules for having fun inside a dance club, I promise you that your headaches the next day will be nominal. You will feel better about yourself. And just maybe you can educate some of your friends who are always nagging you to take them to a swanky dance club.
If I were you, I would start by indoctrination with my friends by telling them first, all about "Bruno," the ex-Navy Seal and how much he enjoys his job as the club security guard. The easier you make his job, the better.