The Bachelor Jake and Vienna: A Very Special Break Up Episode
He Said, She Said
I could seriously write enough to fill the entire internet about what is wrong with Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi. Alas, neither one of them is worth that much of my time.
As usual, Chris Harrison hosted this friendly little sit down between the two recent exes, and his intro was amazing. He made it sound like almost all the couples that go on The Bachelor find love. What’s their real track record? One in fourteen. How does he keep a straight face while trying to sell this bologna?
Jake and Vienna both came out swinging. Jake claimed he was blindsided when he read about their breakup in a magazine. Meanwhile, Vienna claimed their relationship started going downhill a month in—so why did she stick it out so long? She said he put a show on for the cameras, while she was sitting “lonely” at home. Did she not realize that her contract expired at the end of the season? No one was forcing her to stay in a bad relationship.
Vienna made some serious claims that Jake is emotionally abusive. That isn’t something to throw around lightly. She said he never wanted to kiss her and their relationship was far from “normal.” Umm, it started on a TV show—did she expect it to magically turn into an average situation?
About a third of the way in, Chris Harrison made the astute observation (as he usually does) that their story sounded like a typical relationship that had turned sour. As Vienna was trying to justify how their relationship was different since they had tabloids involved (she’d know since she was the one who placed calls to them), Jake interrupted with an “I’m so disgusted with you.” That’s always a nice thing to hear.
Jake felt like Vienna sold him out to a magazine for money, like he doesn’t have Us Weekly on speed dial. The creepiest part was he kept calling her “baby” in a snarky way which just made me want to upchuck.
Jake said he heard the news about Vienna selling their story from his publicist. What is the world coming to that a clown like him has a publicist? I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t release the text messages to Star Magazine. This whole situation is already too icky for words.
One of my other favorite parts was their pissing contest over Jake’s job. Is he a pilot? Is he an actor? Professional fame whore? Either way, his retort of “at least I was looking for a job” was priceless. I wonder what kind of fool gave Vienna a “marketing” job. Maybe it was Jake’s publicist…
I really wonder what happened during the commercial breaks. Did the three of them sit there and smile at each other? Did they discuss their previous dinner date? By the way, why was Chris Harrison going to dinner with those two dingleberries anyway? What kind of contract does he have? At these rendezvous, did Jake put on a show for Chris, like he allegedly did for the cameras? I’m so intrigued.
Another mystery was when Vienna was discussing how Dancing With The Stars prevented her from getting a job. How is that possible? Now, I’ve used lots of excuses for not being “fully employed” but to blame a reality TV show that I wasn’t on is out of even my realm. She said they had to move around a lot while Jake was filming. Did she not realize he was just moving around the dance floor and not physically packing and moving to new locations? This conversation piece ended with Chris Harrison telling Vienna to leave LA—not that he was playing favorites or anything.
In an interesting twist, after Vienna bitched and complained about being a prisoner in LA it turns out she has no intentions of leaving. She made it sound like she had no money to move back to Florida (as if Daddy wouldn’t have paid for a plane ticket home) then confessed that she couldn’t return there anyway because everyone hated her. Which is it, friend?
Chris Harrison had a couple more amazing moments. He strongly encouraged both of them to stop calling the tabloids every 10 minutes. He also blew his referee whistle when the conversation wandered into how-much-Vienna’s-dog-sucks territory. “We don’t really care about the dog” was probably the best thing I’ve heard out of Chris in awhile. It made me giggle.
Nobody cares who dumped whom because they both are terrible human beings. However, it was hilarious that Vienna asked “who gets sick of someone in 6 months?” Is that a serious question? That happens all the time, especially when at least one (if not both) of the people in the relationship are high-maintenance pains in the toenail (pardon the harsh language).
Vienna took the opportunity to tell Jake that he will probably be alone for the rest of his life (Hello Pot, I’d like you to meet Kettle). According to V, Jake needs a girl who looks pretty, sits silently, and has no self-respect. I wouldn’t go that far, but he should have known better than to take on a girl like Vienna in the first place.
We got a glimpse of Jake’s anger when he finally said “stop interrupting me” very sternly which led Vienna to turn on her best waterworks. I don’t buy either of their acts.
In the end, I’d have to say that they are both losers. He’s an uptight, over-planning snoozefest with a bit of a temper and she’s a needy drama queen. They are not meant to be together, and good luck to any sorry fool who ends up with either of them.
"I didn’t do anything wrong”-Jake
“You are a fame whore”-Vienna
“Baby, be quiet.”-Jake
“Can we get a poly-o-graph test?”-Vienna