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The Best Bar Jokes

Updated on December 22, 2016

50. A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I’ll have a ... a ... um ... yeah ... um ... maybe a ... um ... a ... a ... a ... um, a ... perhaps a ... um ... a beer. The bartender says, "Why the large pause?"

49. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How much?" he asks. The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."

48. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Hey fella, why the long face?"

47. Three men walk into a bar, the fourth one was smart enough to duck.

46. A Centurian walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. "Five beers, please!"

45. A dog limps into a bar, looks around and says, "I’m looking for the fella that shot my Pa."

44. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar, but doesn’t.

43. A screwdriver walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver looks perplexed and says, "You have a drink named Phillips?"

42. Helium walks into the bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here." Helium doesn’t react.

41. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

40. A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a beer and a burger. He quaffs the beer and swallows the burger in one bite. Then he promptly pulls out a gun and shoots six rounds into the ceiling. The bartender yells at him, "Hey, what the hell was that all about?" The panda walks out of the bar and yells back, "look it up!" The bartender googles, "Panda," and gets the following results: "Panda: large black and white bear native to south central China. Eats shoots and leaves."

39. A man walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any Ramazzotti?"

"Sure don’t," replies the bartender. The man returns the next day and asks again, ""Do you have any Ramazzotti?" "No sir, I do not," replies the bartender. On the third day the man comes back in and asks again, "Do you have any Ramazzotti?" "Listen Mister," replies the bartender, "I told you the last two days, I don’t have any. I won’t get any either, so quit asking." The man returns again the next day and asks, "Do you have any Ramazzotti?" The bartender angrily replies, "Do you spell that R A M A Z Z F O T T I?" The man cocks his head and replies, "There’s no F in Ramazzotti." "Exactly!" says the bartender.

38. Three logicians walk into a bar and the bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says, "I don’t know."

The second logician says, "I don’t know."

The third logician says, "Yes!"

37. A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says nervously, "Alright Mister, just don’t start nothing!"

36. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

35. Two atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost an electron!"

The other atom says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

34. A Centurian soldier walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"You mean a martini?" retorts the bartender, clearly annoyed.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for a double!"

33. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, " Give me a beer and a mop!"

32. Natural resources walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry Fella, we cut you off because you’ve been getting wasted for years!"

31. Socrates walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, but don’t get any ideas."

30. Two salmon walk into a bar and order beers. The bartender says, "Okay, but do you guys know your limits?"

29. The letters C and G walk into a bar. The bartender quickly says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors."

28. A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That’ll be three dollars." The duck responds, "Put it on my bill."

27. A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food here."

26. A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar and the giraffe just lies down. The bartender looks at the giraffe and says, "What’s that lying there?" The guy responds, "That’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe."

25. Rene Descartes walks into a bar and saunters up to the barstool. The bartender asks, "Do you want anything?" Descartes responds, "I think not," then disappears.

24. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, etc. After the tenth beer order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

23. Justin Bieber walks into a bar ... but there’s no punchline because crappy music isn’t funny.

22. A teacher walks into a bar ... it must be June 1st!

21. Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a chair, then a table....

20. A man walks into a bar with some asphalt and says, "Bartender. Give me a beer and one for the road!"

19. A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar and the rabbi says, "Bartender, I’m not drinking tonight." The rest of the evening was filled with theological debate and all the world’s problems were solved.

18. A chocolate chip cookie walks into a bar and demands a beer. The bartender looks at him and asks, "You got some kind of chip on your shoulder?"

17. A Centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers!"

16. A calf walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender quizzically asks, "Isn’t it pasture bedtime?"

15. I’d tell you about how oxygen and water entered the bar, but I don’t think I’d get a reaction.

14. The present, past and future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

13. Two elk walk into a bar and order beers. The bartender declares, "That’s two bucks!"

12. A blind man walks into a bar and starts smashing all the bottles with his cane. The bartender screams, "Hey, what the heck are you doing?" The man responds, "No worries, I’m just looking around."

11. A man walks into a bar and orders four shots of the most expensive Bourbon the bar has and shoots them all down one right after the other. The bartender says, "You in some kind of hurry, Mister?" The man responds, "You’d be in a hurry too if you had what I have!" "What do you have," inquired the bartender. The man responds, "Three bucks."

10. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He hears a small voice say, "nice hair." Looking around, he sees no one but himself and the bartender. He hears other voices say, "You’re quite good looking, nice shirt, and you’re hot." He asks the bartender, "what’s going on? I keep hearing voices!" "The bartender responds, "Oh, those are the pretzels sir, they’re complimentary."

09. A fine New York strip steak goes into a bar and says, "One beer, please." The bartender answers, "Sorry, mister, we don't serve food here."

08. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar at the same time. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

07. A colander walks into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, I can’t serve you." "Why not," asks the colander. The bartender responds, "Because you can’t hold your liquor."

06. A twenty dollar bill walks into a bar and before he can order is manhandled out of the bar by the bouncers, saying, "You can’t come in here, this is a singles bar."

05. A one-armed and one-legged man walks into a bar and before he can order a drink, the bartender says, "Wow, mister. That must have been some accident! You lost both your left arm and your left leg." The man responds, "yeah, but I’m all right now."

04. A jaguar walks into a bar and orders a cosmopolitan. "That’ll be eighteen dollars," says the bartender. The jaguar pays the bill and sips on his drink. "You know," says the bartender, "we don’t get too many jaguars around here." The jaguar responds, "With these prices, I can see why!"

03. A stalk of corn walks into a bar and before he can order a drink the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, you wanna hear a joke?" The stalk of corn replies, "Sure, I’m all ears!"

02. A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a rum and cola. The bartender looks at him and yells, "Get out! We don’t serve your kind around here!" The mushroom, dejected and sad, mumbles, "Why not, I’m a fungi!"

01. A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender angrily says, "Get out, we don’t serve your kind here." The string walks out and sits dejected on the curb. Another string comes up and asks, "What’s the matter, pal?" "Bartender doesn’t serve strings," he replies. "Well, we’ll see about that!" says the second string. He walks out into the street and promptly gets hit by a bus. He picks himself up and rubs himself vigorously against the sidewalk and road. He stumbles into the bar and picks himself up onto the barstool. The bartender angrily asks, "Hey, are you another string?" The string replies, "No, I’m a frayed knot!"

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      donar-m 2 years ago

      Laughed out loud!